Saturday, November 17, 2007

Demoralisation

There are some times when I wonder whether it is even worth carrying on, wether I should stay and fight or just give into bigoted useless twats that find any opportunity to grass me up to any department they are able and see whether anything they can try and find to get a result of sorts.

Fuck knows what their end goal is. But Right now, this moment i don't feel as though I have strength in me. I cannot even put on a smile and sometimes I try and express my feelings... without being able to, properly.

I am not angry. Or I'd be properly venting and everyone would be stearing clear of me. I am not upset or I'd be in the same state as I would if i were angry.

I am however exhausted. Wondering whetherI actually have a fight left in me. This has been going on long enough. My phone call to the dept on Monday will I suppose nbe a start in something which may carry on.

The harrasment won't end, I know this, they will try it on at every opportunity. Wankers.

Someone will be round soonly so I can possibly chill out a bit. But right now I am just very heavy chested. Sighing constantly. Trying to make sense of why people can have such a vengance for someone they hardly know and for someone whose lifestyle they don't actually comprehend.

The was I am feeling right now is blank. I'm not at the stage where I want to give up, I just wonder whether it is all worth it.

At times like these I don't actually like to burden anyone. Friends, family, even though they are aware of happenings, they are never fully aware of how just blase I am to life. B keeps me going. When B isnt with me and stressing me out I am out allowing myself some time for enjoyment. IT ISN'T FUCKING ILLEGAL.

Ok yes I am a little scared about what the possible outcome from the letter I recieved today will be. As everyone would be I think. And I know the ways things are worded are generally a lot worse than they possibly could be. Just another chapter of their vindictive ways towards me. They have not succeeded with the police. Nor the housing ass, nor the council. SO now they are trying something else.

Is it actually worth it?

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