I'm grumpy-big rant-waffle whatever, just not worth going through really
The last few days I haven't been the best of company even refusing two people who offered to come round to cheer me up. Just wanted an early night last night (which I didn't get due to talking with someone else) and finally arranging something which should have been delt with a while ago.
R has taken it upon himself to block me on msn and ignore a mail from me so I am assuming that contact is now now longer viable. Oh well. I wish him luck with everything. Not much else I can do but I'll be buggered if I am civil to him if I see him at a mutual aquaintances 'do' at any time. I have an ability to help people's invisibility stay in tact when needed. Bollocks to it all.
Yes I am in a bit of a bad mood recently but it hasn't stopped me respecting those who have earned it. Those who have taken time to get to know me and understand what it is that makes me tick. Those who have contacted me in the vein hope of getting some action, one way of the other have been told to go away.. or words to that effect.
There are reasons people come into your life, I still am unsure as to why half the time as all that happens is rubbish. My priority is my home life. My son. And to be honest I couldn't give a crap right now about anyone. Not anyone else bar myself and him. Even friends who I went to see on Saturday I found a drain. Not their fault they are still happily going along enjoying their lot. I am pleased for them, all of them. But it feels as though I'm getting that niggle to break free. It has been a yerning for a while now and maybe I have been looking for an excuse to be able to just fly the nest and go.
Maybe all I need is a good lengthy holiday of sorts. One where I don't have to organise anything., One where I can relax knowing B is looked after in some way. And just some escape time.
I also got to thinking at how my life has changed in the last decade. A huge amount has happened to me, not altogether great for the most part but I am still here and that is what is supposed to be important, isn't it? My son is a very healthy very bouncy fellow of whom I couldn't be more proud.
But I want a lot more out of life. He wants siblings. He wants a bigger family but even only at five and a half he knows mummy needs a daddy figure to make his dream happen.
Most of his friends have a little playmate. Most of his friends and cousins have a family unit. We have us. Me and him. He sees his Dad but he has never known us to be an item. He just knows that he is loved and very wanted. A different story than what was even five years ago in his fathers mind.
I had a bit of a lucky escape really with R. The thing which happened was that he came in me. After us already talking about this whole me not being on any birth control etc so I did take a test, luckily was negative (wether I can even have children or not is a 50/50% chance anyhow) but the point being was that there wasn't any support one way or the other. Me having the thoughts of needing to go through an abortion should the test have come through positive. There would have been no way I could carry someone's child who clearly has no intention of even speaking to me. Again all this alone. I really don't know why and maybe he is thanking his lucky stars that things didn't get any more serious. RIght now I couldn't care less. I know how hard it is to finish with someone. But at least I have made it clear why I had to do it.
Men are such fickle creatures. Supposedly simple.. but only when it is on their terms. Simple my foot. I have had the (dis)pleasure of knowing hundreds of different types of the male species and all have in some way let me down. Not always apparent to them at the time.
My trust levels are at an all time low. I don't feel I can talk to anyone freely. Not like when I was younger and I had my best friend who'd do almost anything for me. (and visa versa) AGain and as I have said to him, I've not had anyone like him since and I think that is why I spout so much garbage on here. I do need to talk and those who have taken the time have known I am there in whatever capacity to help out and talk them through their needs and thoughts. But me? I have words, words and a keyboard. Floating aimlessly within my thoughts expecting to figure out what it is I need to figure out not realising that everything I come up with has a rhetorical answer.
I think over time (and without his teasing of me loving him) I could have gotten to like R. Properly like him. But it wasn't meant to be and to be frank I am glad I didn't get feelings involved. Friday is contact culling day, msn, yahoo, and even going through profiles deleting ones which I am a little narked about.
I cannot give more than I am. I cannot do more than I do. I'm exhausted. Guide me show me what I'm doing so sodding wrong and I'll be able to show you that I am so unable to be that perfect someone people are looking for. Yes it is time for me to say I want someone. And mean it.
R has taken it upon himself to block me on msn and ignore a mail from me so I am assuming that contact is now now longer viable. Oh well. I wish him luck with everything. Not much else I can do but I'll be buggered if I am civil to him if I see him at a mutual aquaintances 'do' at any time. I have an ability to help people's invisibility stay in tact when needed. Bollocks to it all.
Yes I am in a bit of a bad mood recently but it hasn't stopped me respecting those who have earned it. Those who have taken time to get to know me and understand what it is that makes me tick. Those who have contacted me in the vein hope of getting some action, one way of the other have been told to go away.. or words to that effect.
There are reasons people come into your life, I still am unsure as to why half the time as all that happens is rubbish. My priority is my home life. My son. And to be honest I couldn't give a crap right now about anyone. Not anyone else bar myself and him. Even friends who I went to see on Saturday I found a drain. Not their fault they are still happily going along enjoying their lot. I am pleased for them, all of them. But it feels as though I'm getting that niggle to break free. It has been a yerning for a while now and maybe I have been looking for an excuse to be able to just fly the nest and go.
Maybe all I need is a good lengthy holiday of sorts. One where I don't have to organise anything., One where I can relax knowing B is looked after in some way. And just some escape time.
I also got to thinking at how my life has changed in the last decade. A huge amount has happened to me, not altogether great for the most part but I am still here and that is what is supposed to be important, isn't it? My son is a very healthy very bouncy fellow of whom I couldn't be more proud.
But I want a lot more out of life. He wants siblings. He wants a bigger family but even only at five and a half he knows mummy needs a daddy figure to make his dream happen.
Most of his friends have a little playmate. Most of his friends and cousins have a family unit. We have us. Me and him. He sees his Dad but he has never known us to be an item. He just knows that he is loved and very wanted. A different story than what was even five years ago in his fathers mind.
I had a bit of a lucky escape really with R. The thing which happened was that he came in me. After us already talking about this whole me not being on any birth control etc so I did take a test, luckily was negative (wether I can even have children or not is a 50/50% chance anyhow) but the point being was that there wasn't any support one way or the other. Me having the thoughts of needing to go through an abortion should the test have come through positive. There would have been no way I could carry someone's child who clearly has no intention of even speaking to me. Again all this alone. I really don't know why and maybe he is thanking his lucky stars that things didn't get any more serious. RIght now I couldn't care less. I know how hard it is to finish with someone. But at least I have made it clear why I had to do it.
Men are such fickle creatures. Supposedly simple.. but only when it is on their terms. Simple my foot. I have had the (dis)pleasure of knowing hundreds of different types of the male species and all have in some way let me down. Not always apparent to them at the time.
My trust levels are at an all time low. I don't feel I can talk to anyone freely. Not like when I was younger and I had my best friend who'd do almost anything for me. (and visa versa) AGain and as I have said to him, I've not had anyone like him since and I think that is why I spout so much garbage on here. I do need to talk and those who have taken the time have known I am there in whatever capacity to help out and talk them through their needs and thoughts. But me? I have words, words and a keyboard. Floating aimlessly within my thoughts expecting to figure out what it is I need to figure out not realising that everything I come up with has a rhetorical answer.
I think over time (and without his teasing of me loving him) I could have gotten to like R. Properly like him. But it wasn't meant to be and to be frank I am glad I didn't get feelings involved. Friday is contact culling day, msn, yahoo, and even going through profiles deleting ones which I am a little narked about.
I cannot give more than I am. I cannot do more than I do. I'm exhausted. Guide me show me what I'm doing so sodding wrong and I'll be able to show you that I am so unable to be that perfect someone people are looking for. Yes it is time for me to say I want someone. And mean it.
posted by dawn's blog at
10:22 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home