Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Feelings, emotions and heart strings

For some time now it has become evident that I feel.. well nothing. In limbo I guess. don't have the magnatism I need for my partner and i don't have yernings as such for anything. Feels like everything is in a rut.

End of last week I had planned to start playing with someone, got myself slightly back on track with how it used tobe for me three years ago, when I used to like to entertain clients. The excitemend of dealing with someone fresh who I'd leave a permanent impression on. Unfortunately he had to let me down due to work commitments so as a last minute alteration I phoned another old play partner. I knew he would be back in the country by Friday evening so thought.. why not.. :-) D was up in scotland, but it isn't the partner type play I think I have been missing. But then as luck would have it, that bloody airport thingy end of last week something about one of the towers causing disruption meant I cancelling our session... so it kinda knocked me for six.

Having hopes built up and actually enjoying that thought of dealing with new people or people who you've played with on occasion in the past there is something a little more chemical about it I think. So all the excitement I had started to feel faded even quicker than it had come about.

I am a bit of a grumpy sod at the moment. I really don't know why. It could be that I am in need of stretching my wings again.. going away for a couple of days, on me tod. But I now have a partner who is feeling like life isn't fair on him right now. For a while now I haven't felt compelled to play with him and I don't know why. I am very happy that he gets to play with others when we go out. In fact I suggest this to him. At least then he gets what he needs. To a point anyhow.

To some I can be very tactile. To others very much less so. I haven't felt like I have wanted a cuddle from anyone for a while now either. Been very indifferent when it comes to intimacy. With anyone. I had hoped with the new play partners it could have bought about my feelings from inside being released. Obviously to no avail.

I try and laugh... yes I did type 'try' because I haven't laughed for a good couple of months properly, I don't know if it is to do with the whole hormone shift, or wether it is because I maybe haven't actually gotten out of the depression I found myself in after what I did six months ago. Most people see a front, you have to, it's called masking problems. That way people don't worry and you can carry on as normal day to day without anyone pestering you about your welfare.

D has been patient with me. I haven't told him I love him in a month or so, not that I don't I just don't feel like saying it. Usually when I say it I feel a warm glow inside me, this glow has vanished and I don't know how to heat it back up again.

It could also just be down to not having enough seratonin due to the lack of chocolate. I don't remember how many days there are, really before I eat the stuff again, but if it has these kinda sad feeling side effects from going cold turkey, no wonder people are addicted to the stuff. I can well believe it to be extremely medicinal. Either that or I am just now waiting for the 25th Dec to come around so I can make myself ill on some :-D

I don't know how to make things better. D, I think assumes I can make all of his problems go away as well.. but how can I when I don't know what is going on within me yet? It is as though when he talks he is hoping I can tell him all of the answers he wants to hear. But I cannot. Because I don't know how to answer most of them.

I'm not upset. I don't 'feel' down. I don't feel overtly happy, nor do I feel excited about, well hardly anything. SO feelings. They are there I'm sure. Emotions? Pretty much escaped me for the time being. heart strings... wel I know they get played when B does his cute thing :-)


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