Still in thinking mode... it does me NO good whatsoever

Recently I have been made to reasses what it is I do want fom the people I know and love. The week, last week started off so brilliantly.. wonderful friends and everything.. everything going swimmingly..

I have been attending my local munches now for just over a year and the people, experiences and suchlike I have had along the way have made my life choice one that I really cannot ask more of. People I can rely on and who have been with me throughout, I thank you all. The people I have had more dealings with, thank you for the experiences.. even if you have let things come to an unmissable halt.

But even with these things happening.. I have had a very bizzarre weekend, making me really sit back.. and even regress slightly. Someone I know , or rather thought I did.. has made me take stock of myself.. maybe making me think of even ending the communication between him and myself. This is possibly something that is LONG overdue.

I have proteced my heart so strongly and thought I couldn't be hurt so easily anymore... but WHAM! My heart feels as though it is breaking.. and maybe time for closure. Not just the. Oh fuck off.. dont' waste my time kinda thing. But more.. more final.. It hurts when you are told that you are special to this someone.. that you are what this person feels most 'connected' to. But when you learn of a possibility that they weren't ever 'available' for being yours in the first place. Not just lying to you, but also to themselves. That hurts. Big time.

I do make HUGE blunders when it comes to men for my personal life. PLay partners, to be honest, I am not short of if I so wanted. But anything longer lasting is proving like a really huge hurdle.. and I am not looking for all the settle down commitment from the first date thing, I am looking for someone in whom I can trust and share my life with.. nomatter how long the partnership lasts.

I have my desires.. but I think I have to put these on a back burner until I find the right partner in 'normal' terms to act on my more kinky side, Play will be just that. My Progression into a Pro position in my kinky life will allow me to explore and envelope my ways and keep that side of things on the go. But if you're contacting me now just to ask if I could be your Domme.. please, go looking elsewhere.

This is my journal.. YOUR insight to how I am feeling and right now. I am in a very strange place in regards to knowing what I need/want.. I think just talking to people helps, I know I have a lot of friends out there but even still I find myself burrowing back into hermit'ism.

Early hours of Saturday morning something very strange happened and completely knocked my soul for six. This feeling has been seomthing that I knew was going to happen for quite sometime. I even had a good friend of mine contact me and ask if everything was alright as he must have been linked to me somehow at that thought time. I don't know why this event did what it did to me, but left me with such a sense of confusion it was very hard to describe. After it was 'over' my mind has since just been on overload of emotions and just such bafflement. It has been a few days and still I haven't been able to make sense of it.

One of my good friends J is coming over to mine this afternoon to read the Tarot for me. Hopefully put my mind at rest for something, as I just cannot fathom how to deal with my inner stuff right now.

PLUS the milk I used in my cofee this morning is absolute RANK URGH!! Never a good start to the morning. SO off to the shops I go.... well in about half hour anyway as it is too bloody early for normal people to be up...



SAYING THAT, I HAD SOME OF THE BEST NEWS IMAGINABLE FROM A VERY DEAR FRIEND OF MINE LAST EVENING>> AND JUST WANTED TO SAY JUST HOW HAPPY I AM FOR HER!!! SHE KNOWS WHO SHE IS :o)