I really, really think I'm losing it...

Recently, not quite for how long.. I'm not sure but I have been feeling a little down. I'm just not sure quite how to lift myself outa this one. I have friends a plenty and it's great, they do all they can to ensure my smiley face stays in contact. But the last two days I haven't even been able to raise a smile. Things at home are driving me mad, it seems like my son and I are speaking from completely different languages. Feels as though I am knocking my head against a brick wall and there is no give way. All I am doing is shouting at him repeatedly telling him not to do something... then he does it and while dealing with the results of his bad behaviour for example cleaning up.. (endlessly) he decides he has to do something else, like eat the fish food, or feed our new dog his toys.

I have so much stuff to do around the house, I am trying to get his room back in a livable state, must be about five months or so that it has been in the doing. But everytime I attempt it all I am doing is running and clearing up after him, he seems not to uderstand simple things like DON'T PLAY WITH THAT SAW OR HAMMER OR YOU'LL CUT YOUR FINGERS OFF.

I don't know sometimes quite what to do. I am sure at some point my neighbours will call the RSPCC out on me or something for the amount of shouting I have been doing. Sometimes just feels as though I am so alone.. and it is a very strange place to be in. I don't physically hurt my boy and he is the most precious thing I have ever had in my life. But even with this in mind he winds me up so completely that all I wanna do is just leave him in the house and get out for just a few hours without having to think like a mum. (Needless to say for those doogooders that I don't).

The last few days my blood pressure has been raised so intensely that I have had dizzy spells almost constantly and have nearly passed out more times than I can count.

I have also developed what seems to be a very alien type voice when extremely angry. Bit like a hiss crossed betwixt a low 'i know what you did last summer' type voice, and it scares me even to find I am using it. Still he doesn't seem to listen and thinks it is fun to push me just that little bit further.

Battle of wills? I think he may finally be winning.

And you know what? I am so indifferent now, I am just at a loss as to even know how to feel. Robotic could be a word that'll fit there. Autopilot. Just don't know how to be.

Think if this lasts a few more days a trip down the docs wouldn't go amiss. I hate feeling like this, feels as though I have let him down as a mum, and let myself down as a person, not to be as strong as I am at this time.

Even feel like properly getting away from it all.. of course taking B with me.. but just packing everything up and starting a new.

Of course then there is my financial situation. Well may as well not even start on that.

Have just had enough.

I will hopefully post again soon. And with better news than me ranting, But I have to use something to let off steam.. and words for me are my best catharsis.

Sorry folks.. Just needed to vent.