I am just human

I did have a reason really for writing that joke before. I had spent an age on an essay type post that got eaten by the internet when my comp crashed, so here goes again.....

Who is really in control and is there really such a thing?

Whilst I fully love K and all that he has done for my emotional state while we have been together, I am finding it harder and harder to trust him to be able to talk to me about his personal life. I know that real life versus an intimate life is and can be very trying, especially if you want to try and be slightly idealistic about how you see your relationship.

As I have mentioned in an earlier post we are both single parents and have chosen to look after our children. He has something that is wrong with him which is completely out of his control and I tend to worry for England when there is nothing but silence coming from his end.

I am enjoying and loving the warmth, trust and power he has given me, although this almost only ever seems to me to be when he is actually with me physically. I as said in the title, am only human, I have emotions such as hurt, sadness and sometimes don't feel needed. This whole love thing has reminded me why I actually started to fade it out of my life, other than that for my own flesh and blood.

I have also been just deep in thought as to what it is that he really does want from me, whether it be just a quick fix or maybe something a little long term.. I know we have both discussed it, and we have both said we want more. But there is still a nagging doubt in my mind that he could be like "all the rest" I hate to put people in categories and to stereotype them and for some reason it may just be a human instinct to use what we have learnt before to find out what we can handle now??

The whole journey we seem to be going on starts, halts and just seems to spring back into action when real life lets it. I do feel as though I am not in a sort of control which is something which I had earlier said I thought I had started feeling. Sometimes when we chat he makes me feel like the luckiest girl alive. Then another time after he has had to let me down, through no fault of his own, he seems to go into hiding and doesn't respond to me which makes me feel as though all he wants to share with me are the particular times we are together and not the whole of him. The bits which make a relationship different to just a friendship.

As I say, I do love the guy and mean it, people who know me know I don't say it unless I really mean it, and they have also noticed a huge change in me since K came into my life. However saying this, I still have a awful feeling that if I start to tread onto ground that I am not familiar with him, I am still worried that things will end. I am strong willed mind, and it may not seem it but I am also so insecure sometimes and hate it when I feel like it. I just wish he could trust me with his emotions as well as his body.

That's my emotional state right now and with all the problems my family are going through it seems just another to add to the list of the "shit happens" account.

But hey, I am still happy and surprisingly still smiling lots.. So will hopefully post a happier thought very soon :) 'till then bye for now.