I am having to go on a journey now
I haven't exactly been as honest as I'd like on here. I love K dearly but his recent efforts to see me or contact me have been few and far between. As most of you who are reading this are aware I am going on my own journey with BDSM and have been curious about the need for it and who much of an effect it will have on me and K.
From the very beginning of our relationship he has asked if we could experiment and I really had no ideas as to what extent this meant. I am scared yet am also excited at the thought of finally having control over some aspect of my life.
My mentor and great friend P has been a great source of strength for me on my own minds journey as this will be one of the toughest things I have ever done in my life. Bugger even childbirth was easy compared to a punishment which I am to bestow upon K.
I had been at my emotional wits end and when someone doesn't contact you, for whatever reason, starts you wondering if they really were serious about you in the first place.
A few months ago K had found he had an illness, something which he is totally unable to do anything about and he has obviously been thinking the he be a failure of some sort. What crap. When your body tells you something like this it isn't a fault of yours, it isn't a sign from above that you have to endure a sentence of any kind it is just something that happens. Manageable but it happens. He isn't less of a man, he isn't less of a wonderful person, and isn't going to be loved any less because of it.
This is something that I am going to have to instill into him though. I think that this is what he is needing, some sort of reassurance, as do I, that he is wanted and loved, for what ever he has going on right now.
The punishment sounds harsh but we have both spoken abut this before. I am now just summoning up the courage to actually give it to him. I have to be able to shut the emotions off for the duration. That is gonna hurt me so badly. But if he wants me to have ownership over him it is the only way that I think he will be able to relinquish the guilt he has.
I am not sure as to whether I should say about the punishment just yet, I think I may save that for the post punishment blog. The one where it is that I have to cry and diminish my demons for having been so cruel to him.
Watch this space. (and wish me luck)
From the very beginning of our relationship he has asked if we could experiment and I really had no ideas as to what extent this meant. I am scared yet am also excited at the thought of finally having control over some aspect of my life.
My mentor and great friend P has been a great source of strength for me on my own minds journey as this will be one of the toughest things I have ever done in my life. Bugger even childbirth was easy compared to a punishment which I am to bestow upon K.
I had been at my emotional wits end and when someone doesn't contact you, for whatever reason, starts you wondering if they really were serious about you in the first place.
A few months ago K had found he had an illness, something which he is totally unable to do anything about and he has obviously been thinking the he be a failure of some sort. What crap. When your body tells you something like this it isn't a fault of yours, it isn't a sign from above that you have to endure a sentence of any kind it is just something that happens. Manageable but it happens. He isn't less of a man, he isn't less of a wonderful person, and isn't going to be loved any less because of it.
This is something that I am going to have to instill into him though. I think that this is what he is needing, some sort of reassurance, as do I, that he is wanted and loved, for what ever he has going on right now.
The punishment sounds harsh but we have both spoken abut this before. I am now just summoning up the courage to actually give it to him. I have to be able to shut the emotions off for the duration. That is gonna hurt me so badly. But if he wants me to have ownership over him it is the only way that I think he will be able to relinquish the guilt he has.
I am not sure as to whether I should say about the punishment just yet, I think I may save that for the post punishment blog. The one where it is that I have to cry and diminish my demons for having been so cruel to him.
Watch this space. (and wish me luck)
posted by dawn's blog at
11:55 AM
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