Thinking about Him

There are time when I am alone, or rather when the wee one is asleep and the house is quiet bar the snores coming from him that I sit and I ponder upon my thoughts.

What it is I want from life? What it is I want from those I am close to, never actually coming close to an answer but more teasing myself with eventual possiblities which will, in all seriousness never actually happen.

I am lucky with my life, I have people around me I love and dare I say it actually 'trust'? There are rarely any loyal close 'best friend' types that I could honestly count up.

I have some people in my life which come and they go. Mostly the latter as I am aware I am but a stepping stone for them in their life. This I don't mind because I also know that this stepping stone will leave an ever engrained imprint upon their lives and one which will be there until the moment they leave this world. I like that thought.

I like it that I have a purpose of sorts. I like it that I am able to help them in some way, allow them to feel. Allow them to breathe and intake life. Life at it's best. And being able to be the one who introduces all of these feelings is a very wonderful feeling.

What I'm unsure of is, is.. of what could make the times I spend with certain people complete. And it is this which confuses me alongside the knowledge of why they cannot give me their everything.

I have repeated myself so many times throughout the years of my writings that I cannot find that person willing enough just to give a chance. Just one small chance to the thought of perhaps being one with me. I am either a perfect girlffriend or wife material but always a subsitute for what they are really wanting from life. That something is and never will be me.

Sometimes I don't actually mind this and to be fair I possibly couldn't give certain people what they want anyhow.

How can I offer them fidelity? When the last relationship (proper relationship) I had I cheated in? To be fair it was both ways. How can I promise children when I don't even know if my insides work anymore after my operation? How can I promise a future when my own past is so full already.. with a huge chunk of it carrying on into the present with me. Baggage basically.

Without actually knowing what I can offer a potential suitor how is he to be able to decide if I am actually what he wants or not. But what I do know is the 'he's' which know me have all found those objects I have I have in life a complete no go for them. And I think I'm finding it harder and harder to divert my eyes to new places for to find that special something I am and have possibly been missing for some time.

So for the time being anyway. I am thinking of what I could have on top of the fortunes I already have. The He that I may one day find. The He that would also be looking and perhaps one day our worlds will collide and smash into a thousand jigsaw pieces and then two lives will be started as one again. Picking up all of those pieces and making our own picture.

I'll never give up hope.

I'll never stop thinking.

Thinking about Him.