Thursday, June 15, 2006

Polyamory~polyamorous~'polygamy'

Polyamory~polyamorous~'polygamy'

All terms for which I have thought I may have been for years and years now. It is figuring out if I am in this catagory or not practically now.

I know I am able to have affection for more than one at once, it has happened in my past. But it is something I really have to figure out how well it would work considering my lifestyle choices I have made so far.

I am VERY aware of the fact that no ONE person can fulfil anothers complete desires but it is very hard to find myself thinking that I could be a prospective 'one of those strange outdated community dwellers, who may have more than one wife' kinda thing. I guess in a way this is how people who haven't come out yet feel.. whether they are gay or in some sort of kink itself.

I wouldn't be worried about people knowing, it is more to do with the inner thoughts that surround these notions I am noticing come more and more to the surface.

I know I have a lot of goals I want to reach and fully embrace before my time is through in this ol' world. But I still have yet to feel fully complete. I have done so much so far and done more than most. I am very confortable with who I am and how I am. I just feel a huge void constantly really something that is missing. And I still as yet do not know what this is. Hence why I have been resigning myself to wandering thoughts about why things don't work in relationships for me and what I could possibly either a) be doing wrong or b) know what I need to do to be happy.

I am not saying my life so far isn't fulfilled in certain ways but I know I could just do a lot more with it to make myself feel not-so-empty in small ways.

I sat today, after a wonderful afternoon with F,(I will blog about that in a moment) just contemplating how wonderful it would be to be in a 'relationship' of sorts with someone (or people) again. It has been well over a year since I clicked with someone which was mutually chemical and that ended completely out of the blue and still really don't know why. But have since just got on with things. But also maybe subconsiously comparing others to this. Thats the only reason I could come up with anyhow lol it maybe complete bollocks lol

So mood for the moment and afternoon since F went home... contemplatious and laid back.

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