Conflicting thoughts

Sometimes all I want and need to do is express how I am feeling through this blog. Usually because either the people reading it are total strangers or the words within would have some impact onto people who know me personally.

Sometimes I just need to put into words, or at least try to put into words my thoughts.

Recently I have been chatting with my man near on every evening for possibly a month or so, if not he has been with me. Now you can find a lot about someone by talking to them, especially when I've told him as much as I have and he has also been so sweet and taken the time to go through the past entries here and in other places.

I haven't hidden anything from him and at times he even opens upto me. Not very english like but still he does, in his own way. It seems we have a lot of common life goals. And I like the little things which have presented themselves this far between us.

For examples certain situations such as what happened last night (Tuesday) I am still a little confused if I am being honest about it. We had descussed so much leading upto last evening but nothing could prepare me for what happened. I am having conflicting thoughts about it. One where I am so very happy he felt at ease and did basically just what I had set out to happen but then, did he actually get the pleasure out of it too? I am sure we will talk about it at some point. I do find communication vital even if it is a simple yes or no.

I know long term things have been pencilled in and talked about. not much point beating around the bush on certain matters.. but what happens if I let go and start to actually have feelings for him? I don't know how I'd be able to express them (well there is one way ;-)) but also what happens if thigns go tits up just when I am starting to open up, as has happened on occasion before. Quite a few times actually.

It feels so good when he holds me. I can feel the warmth from inside of him oozing out. He is just very cuddly even though he would more than likely ask me to macho up his image if out and about.. possibly a reason we've not actually gone out yet ;-)

It has been a long long time since I have been even in such a similar situation and to be honest I don't knwo what I shoudl be doing. Usually everything over these last few years have bene organised. Or even done a while before they have actually happened. But not knowing is also something which is leaving me a little unsteady on my feet.

I'd hate to hold him back should he need to move onto pastures greener and I know I come with a lot of baggage and I am shitting myself over the thought that maybe he'd want to really be with me longer term. My insecurities tend to rear their head when I've not had much sleep and last night was awful for sleeping, possibly something to do with what happened as I have been trying to analyse it all. I also know that after seeing him a few times and knowing that I'll be seeing him some more it is something of a future prospect to-not exactly plan things but- to start taking seeing him for granted.

I don't want to take anyone for granted especially a partner. I am sure he will tell me to shush and to stop thinking about things so much but then we have both agreed to be verbal in our thoughts, much rather it be said and be open than keep it inside and then have implosions.

I have no idea wether I'm supposed to come to any conclusion with my ramblings here and cannot find a moral to this story.

I guess I'm shattered after not sleeping well again for a few days. Oh and i'm only on the second day of chocolate abstinance and haven't even had any cravings. This will lead to the afore mentioned man to eat his hat when I win the bet :-D