Friday, June 29, 2007

Another hospital visit

My pre operation admission thingamajig was today.

Suddenly everything is starting to feel real. I'm actually going to be opened up and be rid of this things which has been a part of me for longer than I know.

I don't know what my fertility will be like after the operation, more likely 50/50 is a hopeful.

I have thought about the what if's... too many of them to even start to write. But someone yesterday was very good at listening to my ramblings, and for that I am greatful.

I have really started to think about things and people who are prominent in my life right now. I don't know what it is I want from them. I don't know what I am able to even give myself anymore.

I am not depressed. I am just thoughtful right now. In the sense where I am just thinking everything and everything is just muddled and completely insane.

Before I went to Graspop I had completely started to loose track of who I am. I have gotten myself involved with things/people of which I don't know what to honestly do about. I also started to review how I am as a parent. I started to doubt myself so completely in everything. I am not feeling down. I am just wondering what it is people do actually want from me. Me to do everything and be everything they want? yet without even possibly considering what it is I want.

But what is it I want? I couldn't even tell you until I know what is happening within my own person. Not knowing is daunting.

There are times I want to scream at people and tell them how I feel, But for true fear of rejection I just go with the flow.

Just amble along and keep my own feelings to myself. I don't want to pressurise. I want to make THEM happy. I don't want to go back to how I used to be, not being able to say how I feel because I'm frightened of the outcome. I always have prefered having friends and knowing I can rely on them....but when you find yourself liking someone more than you should or need to.... What the hell do you do?

It has just been this last week I have been posing questions to myself. I am querying everything/anything. Just to make sense of something, just one thing would be good.

Why

good word that one. I am stuck. I don't know how to answer things, I guess time of reflection is upon me. I don't know what to do with situations right now. I am happy I know the people I do and share what I have with them. But i also know I want more. If they are unable to give me more.. what then? What do I do? Carry on regardless and figure out what to do when it is too late? Maybe just settle for being happy and not properly content? Maybe. Maybe. Possibly. I don't know.

Even the fortune ball I have isn't working for me.

I got my Osiris cards through just the other day but I didn't want to fill them with my negativity when I use them so have been delaying using them. I do feel though I need to read for myself, see where on earth things seem to be taking me.

I need to figure out what it is I want from life. I need some sort of guidance and right now everything has left the building, every outside source has taken a tea break and doesn't wanna get involved within my inner disputes.

Oh pass the chocolate, I see a long night looming.

Oh and i still have tomorrow to organise. Fun.

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