Dawn's Blog

A new start

2010-07-26T18:39:00.001Z

It had been a while for her to feel like this, the trepidation masked by the clothes she wore and the mask her facial expression provided. She needed tonight to count and to feel like she could once again fulfil her desires at the direct offerings of the boy she had planned to hurt and hurt badly.

During the same afternoon she had dusted off her favourite cane and caressed it like a long lost love. She found out of her storage more of the things she used to play with with such ferocity they had the echoes of screams and whimpers within the wooden handles as she touched them. Memories long since gone but about to be created again, this time to bring her back from the darkest depths of normality into the more comfortable reality she once knew.

She had phoned him earlier that day and told him to be naked and kneeled ready for when she got there. A place determined only by luck as she was passing through.

She readied herself in her power suit, with case which looked professional, ready for that meeting. With a final check, a small tug on her skirt and checking there were no snags in her stockings she climbed out of the car and towards the reception of the hotel she was meeting him at. She looked classy, her hair bobbed, glasses and 'professional' looking. Head held high she asked where the bar was and headed towards it.

She decided to let him know via text that she was there, she decided to have a small drink to calm her insides before going up.

She didn't rush her drink. She sipped and watched the people around her, going about their business like ants in a school experiment. She pondered long and hard, would this really be what she wants? Too many questions, too many answers needed and longed for but she decided she'd taken long enough as it was over this. This was it. This was the time to put it all right again.

She got up and went to the elevator and with a heave of her busting cleavage she pushed the button to the floor where she knew he would be waiting. With a sigh the doors closed and she was on her way up. It didn't take long and before she knew it she'd reached the floor and was stood outside of the room. With a small shove she entered and shut the door with a certainty that he knew she meant business.

She said nothing.

He was alone in the middle of the floor. His clothes folded neatly as instructed and kneeling waiting for instruction himself he sighed. An almost deadly calm was thrown across the room. Both knew that this evening was going to be one neither one would forget.

She said nothing as she went over to him and placed her feet a his knees, giving them a little jolt. He knew exactly what to do as he bent down and held one in his hands before delicately putting his lips to the point of her shoe. He didn't look up as he caressed her feet, one by one, first by kissing her shoes and then removing them to give her feet a small massage whilst kissing them also. The stockings became slightly dampened by his tears as she shoved her foot a little harder into his mouth than he'd expected her to, choking him slightly but he never gave up. No complaints. Just compliance.

He worked his way up her calves as when she instructed him to do so with her finger under his chin. She still said nothing. He knew what to do. His hands were very soft, and surprisingly attentive. For someone so clumsy she'd never have expected him to be like this and he certainly never showed signs of this capability before now. His hands massaging all the time, his kisses so gentle but with a greed of someone wanting much much more than he has ever had.
His hands finally came between her thighs and he could smell her dampness. He couldn't ignore this and groaned heavily. His body convulsed slightly as if possessed by something. His excitement visible.

She opened her legs to allow him access to her cunt and he greedily lapped away. His hands on her hips she ground onto his face with soft thrusts until she could bare no more and with one big thrust she came onto his face, showering him, her skirt, thighs, stockings and the floor with that familiar smell of cum. When she calmed herself down a little whilst holding onto his head under her skirt she motioned him with her finger to look at her in her eyes. They are always the most powerful thing about someone. Before this time he'd not looked at her. She bent down a little to meet his gaze but stayed standing. Out of her pocket came the collar which was then fixed round his neck. Just enough for him to breathe comfortably.

His eyes glazed over as he knew now she was there to get it out of the way. Still not saying a word she spun him round and bent him over the bed. She went to her bag and got out of it the cane she had found earlier and some rope. She walked back over to him and placed his hands behind his back so he was holding his opposite elbows with his hands. She tied his wrists tight enough to be able to see he'd not be able to move and if he did it'll be very sore to do so. And stood back.

He knew what was coming but lay still for her. He had closed his eyes when the rope went on but it seemed like his body was aching now to be hurt. Finally they were going to be as one.

She raised the cane and gently but firmly stroked it across his bare arse. A welt appeared almost immediately. She didn't want to waste any more time so started hitting harder slowly at first but rhythmical. As though a ticking watch were counting down with seconds. She knew what she was doing and she felt so alive when each stroke fell against the reddening skin. The welts were small and visible now showing a clearly warmed-up behind.

His body still and awaiting even more. She knew she couldn't keep it soft for long so let the cane come down so fast and hard he stifled himself not to yelp out. A small shiver went through his body as he fought against his body reactions, he tried to try and relax as best he could as he knew that was the first of many she would deliver.

Soon the cane was coming down fast and hard yet he kept himself still, offering her his everything. Still the cane came down. He was aware there were bleeding welts but he ignored it. He knew that this was for the best and he knew that it would be over. Eventually.

He could hear her grunting now. Bringing the cane down as hard as she could. Almost banshee-like in some of the wail-like noises he heard coming from her.

With every lash she felt herself becoming lost in the moment. Only in this place and time she felt complete. She didn't want it to end. She'd missed this with unbearable quantity. She couldn't control herself for a small while and she was so elated that he still kept still for her. She slowed down and stopped. Looked at his arse which was bleeding and red raw. She'd never caned anyone quite like it before. Her sweaty hand from the cane dropped it and the hand she had been balancing herself with was drawn across his arse. She felt him jump a little as it was cooler than he'd expected. With such gentle, softly drawn movements she traced every single line and mark she had created.

She was pleased with her work.

She untied his wrists and sat on the bed with him for a while. Just stroking his head. Her hair still looking tidy but her suit thrown about with the force she had been giving her instrument. His body shivering under her soft touch. Her breath and his returning to a slight normality.

His and her faces and bodies glistening with beads of broken sweat and exhaustion.

With a few final touches she gets up from the bed and goes to look into the mirror to get herself looking respectable again. She isn't' worried that her eye make-up is now slightly worn looking, neither does she care.

He just lays on the bed.

She stands up straight adjusts her jacket, puts her bits away in the bag she came with and walks out of the room without saying a word.

The door closes.

It has only just begun.

Remind me

2009-08-24T19:23:00.002Z

I need to update my stories, there have been a few goodies in the past few months I really need to upload here :-D

That's all for now :-D

Expecting something?

2009-08-06T13:57:00.000Z

"Get your arse over here. You have a two hour timeslot to be with me, if not you can kiss goodbye to any D's with me". I didn't exactly shout it but from the gulp I heard the other end of the phone you knew something was up. You didn't even have time to respond before I hung up on you.

"Right you little fucker. Let the party begin!" I said to myself. I find it amusing to play with the mind as you well know so summoning you round, without giving you reason has you curious, frightened but inquisative all the same. Your want to please me totally has always been prominant in our relationship so far so I was sure that with my tone on the phone just then you'd be shitting yourself, wondering what it was you had done to get me angry enough to growl those words down the phone to you.

Little did you know what I had planned for you. This was going to be a night we would both remember for a very long time!

Just as you thought you had me worked out the boundaries seemed to be expanding. You knew I knew of your desires, none moreso than to please me. Your submission had shown itself before but I knew this would bring it out far more than your wildest dreams.

You don't particularly deal with the iconology of dressage but tonight will be different. I have chosen to wear one of my more seductive dresses ready for when you show up, one that will allow easy use of my strap on with you. A dress which is also wipe clean.

I hate to admit it but I have butterflies in my tummy knowing what you're coming into and you just a dribbling wreck at my feet when you arrive. This is such a turn on knowing I have you under a spell of sorts, your body mine to do with as I wish and as I need, selfishly so, rightly so.

Putting the finishing touches to my ensamble I realise I've not made another phone call, one which would be an important part of this evenings' adventure with you.

I dial the number and simple say." Delivery for nine O'clock please."

That's all that is needed on that front so now I can relax, knowing you will be walking through my door, into the unknown within a half hour.

A surprise knock makes me jump, red wine in hand that I'd managed to pour when getting ready and spills slightly down my dress, thank fuck I'd thought about wearing that instead of my normal clothes or I'd be fuming!

"Can I come in?" Comes a shakey voice from the doorway.

You've managed to not only come early but you chose to come without even getting tidied up from your day.

"Get yourself undressed and take a shower, christ you think coming to me in THAT state is going to lighten your load this evening? I think not.. Go, shower, now!" Before I could finish you had already got your clothes around you on the floor and are headed up the stairs.

The time is nearing half eight, I hadn't realised the time had gone so quickly.

"Come on, what are you doing up there? Only girls take that long fannying about!" With this I walked up behind you. You were just drying yourself down but you couldn't look me in the eyes.

We hadn't spoken apart from me barking the orders since you got here and for some reason you couldn't find your voice.

"Look at me" I insisted. Your head still bowed and it seemed like an automated response to sink to your knees.

"Look at me" I said more softly raising your chin with my fingertips. "Tonight is going to be special for the both of us. If you had have been later you'd have missed out on all the fun!". I smiled as you then looked me in the eyes with a certain disbelief. Like my Jeckill (sp) and Hyde had been absorbed into the nice me again.

"B..b but I was so worried I'd done something wrong" came a reply at long last. "I thought you wanted to call me here for.. Well I don't know what for.. The phonecall scared me"

With that I bent down and kissed you ever so gently on your lips and I'm sure I spyed a little wetness in your eyes.

I resumed my position above you and smiled. "You like home delivery, don't you? " I must have had a glint in my eye because you seemed unsure quite how to answer.

"Um.. Yeah?!?"

"Well I want to play before we get ours, we only have a little time so get your arse into my bedroom and assume the position!"

I don't think I'd been this blunt with you before but everything seemed to be going exactly as I'd imagined it to.

I walked in after you and saw you 'praying' by the side of my bed " you know your God won't help you here, bitch!" I said and tried my hardest not to laugh, failing miserably.

You looked round at that moment and caught sight of what I was wearing under my dress.

Looking at my watch I notice it is ten to nine "oh fuck" I say internally and hope you didn't feel any of my body language give it away.

I grabbed a small piece of rope which was ready and waiting and tied your hands behind your back. Your semi very obvious. You knew what was coming but instead i got you to turn round and suck it instead. You do give very good head so I'm gonna make you take it properly this time, and with that thought rammed it into your mouth, knowing it'd hit the back of your throat.

"Hummm.. How beautiful" I said.

Managing to control as much of your gag reflex as you could you just looked up at me with those beautiful eyes and I could see your tears. I stroked your face as you carried on, unaware that our delivery had come and was being prepared downstairs.

"Baby" I whispered, "close your eyes." No sooner had I said it but you did and you mouth continued bobbing with my cock.

I came. Was a wonderful feeling running through me but did my best to stay stood up. I managed it, thankfully.

As I withdrew I told you to keep your eyes closed and that I needed a minute to compose myself as that had to have been one of the best blowjobs you'd given me! Your body, just kneeling in front of me made my tummy twitch. This to me is romance. Here is a boy willing to do ANYTHING for me and doing so damned well at it too!

My concentration broke when I realised that I had something to remember.

"Just going to put some music on, think tonight may get a little noisy!" I giggled. "Keep those eyes shut!"

As soon as my music was playing I started stroking your face coming round to one side of you I stroked your cheek with my hand as you feel something very familiar touch your lips and you go to take it in your mouth.

It takes a couple of second before you realise that it isn't my cock now in your mouth but someone elses. Your eyes open for a flicker and I catch you doing so.

"Suck it, you little whore" I say to you calmly. "Show this nice man how well you give those blowjobs. Be a good boy for me."

Unable to move your arms and almost in an impossible situation you accept defeat and carry on sucking. His rythmn is slow to start with and gets a little faster.

"Slow down a little and let him enjoy this." I said to our delivery guy. " He needs to know just how to do it properly, but you also know that you mustn't come yet!" I continue to stroke your face for a little while and usher him to sit on the bed so I can bend you over. I lube my cock up ready and thrust into your aching arse and realise our guy needs to explode. "Nonono not yet, mister". I motion for him to take his cock out of your mouth and I carry on fucking you for a little while.

He comes round to my side and playfully touches

My neck. Knowing that you could hear my slight groan you look round just as he starts to kiss me.

Fucking you is awesome but being pleasure while i'm doing it is another thing entirely, and isn't quite what I'd set out.. But going with this flow is obviously good!! You can tell I'm near climax again as my thrusting gets a little more harsh. Our delivery guy had already unzipped my dress and is cupping my tits occasionally going down to suck on them too. This is too much for my body to handle without going into orgasm. You feel me thrust deep inside you and he catches me to hold me while I come through an almighty explosion, I rest on your back a little while and withdraw my cock from you.

"Don't move" I say through pants. "Don't move!'

I go to the bathroom and compose myself, knowing he is getting himself ready.

I come back in and sit in front of you. "Come on baby, now give me head!!" You eagerly oblige and start working your tongue over me and inside me. Your tongue feels so good against me that I loose track of what is meant to be happening, but only for a moment.

I motion him to lube himself up and you feel him come closer to you, from behind. Youlook up at me with a multitude of emotions but you don't utter a word. He slips right inside you and you bite on my cunt, making me jump and giggle at the same time. You both groan but I make sure you get your mouth back to what it should be doing.

I can feel every shake your body is having and can feel your eagerness by how your nibbling away at me. I look up and see his face and give him the prearranged nod to fuck you harder and to come as soon as he now can.

"Come on then my boys, make me proud!" Within a few seconds I am coming again, and can see that he is too. Using you completely.

Your body spent. His exhausted. Mine fulfilled. He goes downstairs and I lift your face to look at me.

"Baby, you're wonderful." Realising I can get away with it I also tell you how I feel. A magical moment. As you hold me closer than you've done before.

You look into my eyes. "Thank you"

Our hug becomes then more passionate than I though you had energy left and before I know it you've unzipped the rest of my dress and are making love to me. Slowly, deeply and holding me so close throughout.

Yerning

2009-02-22T17:56:00.001Z

As you walk through my doorway I reach for the bindings to enfold you. You stay still while your blindfold is placed on you and your arms forcefully tied behind your back.

I stand in front of you and slap your face. You gasp. "You didn't expect that did you?" I giggle. You're at my mercy. Pah mercy?? fuck all those niceities. You're mine.. don't go thinking you can cry out for your words will not be heard.

I collect the blade in my hand and with a swift motion your t'shirt is cut from your torso.. a seating nervous torso. I release the belt that holds your trousers and they soon come down too exposing your rather large buldge. "You're rather excited at not knowing what is about to happen, aren't you?" He hears me come closer to him and motion his legs apart with my knee... and with one forceful bolt it lands in his groin.. with him unsure whether he should stand and bear it or if he should go with what his body is screaming to tell him and to fall to the floor. He stands firm. Red faced-breathing fast.

Another knee to the groin ensures he is on the floor without a moment to realise what has happened. "Stop making those noises, bitch!" I say as he lays there, quivering, I roll him onto his tummy and hoist his feet upto his thighs and quickly bind them. Grinning at how pathetic he looks. I wrap some more rope from his thigh bindings to his tied arms.

His body is shaking, from nerves? From pain? What the hell.. It looks fantastic. He is trying to wriggle free... a quick foot movement from me onto his neck soon stops him from moving too much. "Stupid shit, stop fucking wriggling!" He knows I could crush his throat at any moment. He does as he is told immediately.

A still, sweaty body is beneath me. A pool of spittle falls from my lips into his face.. I can see his lips open and his tongue try and catch the fall. "Who told you you could taste that?" His mouth closes again and he gulps. I get down to my knees and slap his face again. "Don't you EVER do anything without my say so.. who DO you think you are?? No don't answer I don't want to hear your voice. This is MY time, not yours."

I lift his body so he is now on his side. I get my blade again and run it's cold length firstly from his chest over his nipples, he quivers, and then back up towards his throat. "SO you Dare order my time then do you?" I spit in his face. "My time is precious. Now I am going to use my time wisely with you... "

I always tell them to be careful of what they wish for...

I leave him laying there. I walk out to the kitchen and pour myself a glass of wine. It has been opened for a few hours. I had been waiting for the little shit for a few days, bloody cancelling on me and then ordering that I should give him the time to 'make it up to me'. How many times have I heard him give me that bullshit before. But today... he pays..

Happy New Year

2009-01-04T22:35:00.001Z

New year. New start for a lot of people I know are having such shit times of it already and the year hasn't even started properly yet. People with relationships mainly. So whats in the water? God only knows but I hope to get new filters by end of this month.

Well today is the last

2008-12-31T12:45:00.003Z

Of 2008.

What to look forward to in 2009 I don't know. A few months ago I was sure as to what I wanted out of it, but today I am not so sure.

I will be seeing in the celebrations with the one guy in my life which means the world to me. Just hope he stays awake for me this year so we can bring in 2009 together. B is my world. He will be back to school on the 6th and so the last leg of infant school begins. He is growing so very fast right now and soon he will be off to junior school... then to secondary.... then... well who knows. I just hope he has the best life a little boy can have. He has parents who love him more than life itself and an extended family who feel the same. He is, quite honestly the reason I am enjoying life right now and the reason I am carrying on.

We're nearing the end of another decade now and with the recession hitting hard, job losses at an all time high, house prices just... well houses just not being able to be sold the future right now looks bleak. I am just hopeful that by the time B is old enough things will have settled down again. He deserves that much, to be secure in his life. He has bought me so much happiness I only hope he can pass that onto his children.

Life in general doesn't seen to have moved on really all that much. I officially became out of work in March last year after taking a five year maternity and career break to raise B. Nothing seems to be available to me right now. I have applied for only three jobs, each of which have returned a one or two sentance letter saying sorry but no thanks. All of which helped my ego no end ... I am alright really it just means i have to really sell myself to companies, something I am not actually all that brilliant at doing.

Dad hasn't been admitted into Hospital since Nov last year.... all good... he is managing well with his oxygen and nebs at home. Thankfully. He still gives me a scare when he does't answer his phones for a few days... although it is like being a teenager I guess with him.. :)

This year has been a wonderful year for meeting so many new people. Some of whom I have had good bonds with and have supported me through what has been a very tough time. Each year recently has had it's testing times. But at least with age comes the wisdom as to how to go about dealing with these issues and hopefully realising the better way of resolving particular problems.

New Year, New beginnings with luck. Starting with spending the evening with the one person who will and always mean everything to me.

So I am raising a glass to everyone I know, have known and have yet to meet in 2009 I wish you all a VERY JOYOUS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!.

Surprise, surprise!

2008-10-23T21:42:00.004Z

As I buttoned up my slightly see through white shirt I hear J's car pull into the drive.

Fuck, he is 20 minutes early.. he shouldn't have been here yet. I still have a few things to prepare.

He hadn't realised but we had been seeing each other for a year now, tonight was our anniversary. I had something very special planned for us to celebrate.

A long day at work, I thought should be rewarded with something a little out of the ordinary.

He hadn't known that whilst he was at work, slogging hard for the bills and my expensive taste in clothes I was hard at work entertaining people in my own way. Today had been no different. I had F round, someone who I hadn't seen for some time but he had just come off of holiday and his body was nicely tanned. He had been using the time away to soak up the sun, swim and tone his gorgeous body up.

We had both been ringing and texting each other through the fortnight vacation of his, readying him for our day today. I couldn't wait to see him. He gave me such pleasure and I can never get enough of him when he is here.

F had turned up at mine today just after eight, an hour after my lover had gone to work. He turned up with the chocolates and the expensive wine I asked him to get for me from his holiday, that was a speciality for the region. SO I could only have these things every six months while he was out there.

Within moments of his arrival I had F upstairs where we were ravishing each others bodies and lost in the moment, which seemed lasted more than a moment. But I had missed him completely.

The sound of the car in the drive was enough to bring me back to earth with a slight bump.

I look out the window and hurry F to get dressed and downstairs while I go greet my lover outside to allow F some time to compose himself.

"Have you been busy today?" I'm asked- I am sure I am still flushed from having to rush downstairs. Certainly obvious I have been upto something he hasn't been involved in.

"Yeah, but I have a surprise for you too" I smile as I lead him into the living room where F is sat.

"Why is HE here?" J asked. Not knowing anything but starting to realise that a jigsaw piece had finally slotted into the final gap of a puzzle.

"I thought I would surprise you," Say I, grabbing the back of a dining chair and shoving him onto it, securing his arms and hands to the back of the chair with the stockings I had been wearing previous to F ripping them off of me a few hours earlier. "You know it has been coming for some time.. I just think tonight will be the night"

He gulped. He realised what I had been telling him about for the past few months was finally coming into a reality. Far more lifelike than what I had been threatening him and with someone he had already met.

I tied his feet and legs to the chair too so the only way he would be able to move was by shuffling the chair.

I lifted my skirt and the stained knickers I was wearing confirmed the thoughts he was thinking. They were full of mine and F's mixed juices. I pulled them off and stuff them in J's mouth, he tasted and smelled what both F and I had been upto during the day.

Through muffled gasps and his eyes glistening. Almost teary but also widening knowing that his worst fears, but also his darkest fantasies were about to become a reality.

I went over to F, he had been told about this evening quite some time ago, but he hadn't realised that it would be now that we would be acting this desire of mine out.

I walked over to F, making sure J could see the look in my eyes but never looking at him again from when I shoved the knickers into his mouth.

Slowly, I straddled F as he sat on the sofa. His eyes met mine and we kissed. It was even more exciting than I had dreamt about. Having J watching us, knowing he could do fuck all about it. Me with my extra lover kissing passionately. I could feel F's erection through his trousers and I could feel my wetness growing unbearable.

I took my hands down to release his buldging cock from out of it's trappings and released it. After the use it had I am surprised F was able to sustain yet another superior toy for my use. J just watched, it was as though a porn video had become 3D in our living room. With added benefit of exchanged pheramones, smells of sex and body heat just surrounding us all.

I glanced over and J's erection was extremely prominent but he didn't notice me look.

With F's body twitching I took his length into me and with what we had done today my body was already primed for a huge orgasm rush just from his cock going in me. It didn't take too long for us to be riding in time with each other. F ripped my buttoned shirt apart at the front, exposing my red chest and my very blood pumped breasts. F bent his head down to suckle on a nipple, nibbling it and making my body shudder I was in a mind blowing orgasm again. I coudl feel the whole of my body heat up and then I slumped as the orgasm took a hold. F held me, still pumping his cock in and out of me until I came round and as soon as I had he too came.

It was out of the ordinary. It seemed he would never stop squirting his warm juice into me. My body was out of control shuddering away. We kissed until our bodies had finally calmed down. Such tenderness and a great fuck. J could see just how much F pleased me. He could seee F's body against mine and everything we had just done together but it wasn't over.

I got up from F dripping both of our mess and took out the knickers from J's mouth. usshered F to come over and I put F's dick into J's mouth, after all it needed cleaning, didn't it?

"I want to see that cock completely clean, do you hear me?" My voice was still husky post orgasm and it seemed to kick start F again into what turned out to be a wonderful erection, yet again. J must have been doing too good a job of cleaning him up... But what a beautiful sight it was to see my J sucking suck a glorious huge cock with F getting so much post coital pleasure from it too..

"I think you have forgotten something." I suddenly felt a huge amount of cum run down my leg. I got F to help me lay J down backwards enabling me to sit on J's face and get him to clean all the mess inside me up too.

I helped F get back his erection. J had done a good job of getting it hard so I just had to help him sustain it, didn't I? ;-)

As my horniness was at bursting point, seeing F's cock as hard as it could be, and knowing all three of us were turned on, I left J on the floor and allowed him to watch me fuck F again in front of him, doggy style, so he could see right where F was putting his huge dick into me. My cunt was dripping, soaking wet. They had both got me very very wet and my juices started spraying out over both F and shooting over J's face too.

There was no way on earth I could tell how long this went on for but it seemed to last a long time. I do remember coming round with my body tingling and F still fucking me from behind, it is a good job I was secure on my knees and elbows. Our bodies collapsed as F shot his load, once again into my already full body. I pointed to J and F, shakily, untied him. J got up from his half laying half sitting position and hungrily lapped all the juices from us. I don't think I would have ever produced as much ejaculate as I did that evening and neither did poor F. We were both completely spent.

After J had finished cleaning us up he took himself off into the kitchen and made us all a nice hot sugary cuppa.

See.. I can train boys to do a good job :-D

Feelings, emotions and heart strings

2008-09-30T14:45:00.003Z

For some time now it has become evident that I feel.. well nothing. In limbo I guess. don't have the magnatism I need for my partner and i don't have yernings as such for anything. Feels like everything is in a rut.

End of last week I had planned to start playing with someone, got myself slightly back on track with how it used tobe for me three years ago, when I used to like to entertain clients. The excitemend of dealing with someone fresh who I'd leave a permanent impression on. Unfortunately he had to let me down due to work commitments so as a last minute alteration I phoned another old play partner. I knew he would be back in the country by Friday evening so thought.. why not.. :-) D was up in scotland, but it isn't the partner type play I think I have been missing. But then as luck would have it, that bloody airport thingy end of last week something about one of the towers causing disruption meant I cancelling our session... so it kinda knocked me for six.

Having hopes built up and actually enjoying that thought of dealing with new people or people who you've played with on occasion in the past there is something a little more chemical about it I think. So all the excitement I had started to feel faded even quicker than it had come about.

I am a bit of a grumpy sod at the moment. I really don't know why. It could be that I am in need of stretching my wings again.. going away for a couple of days, on me tod. But I now have a partner who is feeling like life isn't fair on him right now. For a while now I haven't felt compelled to play with him and I don't know why. I am very happy that he gets to play with others when we go out. In fact I suggest this to him. At least then he gets what he needs. To a point anyhow.

To some I can be very tactile. To others very much less so. I haven't felt like I have wanted a cuddle from anyone for a while now either. Been very indifferent when it comes to intimacy. With anyone. I had hoped with the new play partners it could have bought about my feelings from inside being released. Obviously to no avail.

I try and laugh... yes I did type 'try' because I haven't laughed for a good couple of months properly, I don't know if it is to do with the whole hormone shift, or wether it is because I maybe haven't actually gotten out of the depression I found myself in after what I did six months ago. Most people see a front, you have to, it's called masking problems. That way people don't worry and you can carry on as normal day to day without anyone pestering you about your welfare.

D has been patient with me. I haven't told him I love him in a month or so, not that I don't I just don't feel like saying it. Usually when I say it I feel a warm glow inside me, this glow has vanished and I don't know how to heat it back up again.

It could also just be down to not having enough seratonin due to the lack of chocolate. I don't remember how many days there are, really before I eat the stuff again, but if it has these kinda sad feeling side effects from going cold turkey, no wonder people are addicted to the stuff. I can well believe it to be extremely medicinal. Either that or I am just now waiting for the 25th Dec to come around so I can make myself ill on some :-D

I don't know how to make things better. D, I think assumes I can make all of his problems go away as well.. but how can I when I don't know what is going on within me yet? It is as though when he talks he is hoping I can tell him all of the answers he wants to hear. But I cannot. Because I don't know how to answer most of them.

I'm not upset. I don't 'feel' down. I don't feel overtly happy, nor do I feel excited about, well hardly anything. SO feelings. They are there I'm sure. Emotions? Pretty much escaped me for the time being. heart strings... wel I know they get played when B does his cute thing :-)

Begger me sideways with a perch

2008-09-15T18:43:00.001Z

Well I'd rather not really but realised today that I hadn't posted on here in nearly a month.

Updates I guess just so I can catch back at some point.

D and I have been together 6 months+ now and is going well, although he is hating the PMT I have recently started to get. Am not all that happy about it myself .

I have just under 100 days left until I can get to get my lips round a bar of cadbury's again

And B is doing fantastically at school now.. after all these years, who'd have thunk it, huh?

:-)

SO so tired

2008-08-20T15:42:00.002Z

Sometimes recently especially this last week or so I have been incredibly tired. I could sleep all day if B would let me.

I have started to get PMT which for me until three months ago was unheard of so I know my hormones have definately taken a huge battering this last couple of years. Not so Fair on D ad he has come into my life when my body seems to be failing me. But he is persevering.

At the moment I am quite happy being in my own company, could be a sign of age or could be the PMT thing going on. But I can be very offish with a lot of people. Sometimes to be fair it is needed. Some people I am too polite sometimes. I should say what should be said and not just bluff any issues. It just takes the outragious hormone levels to get me to do so.

Recently life seems good. My boy accepted my proposal of a full collar (just a case of saving to get it now and doing the whole ceremony of sorts with it too). And we are progressing really well as a couple. Something, for years I had been doubtful would happen. His family seem to like me and my family (the ones he is allowed to meet ;-)) seem to like him too.

B is so much better than he has ever been. His maturity is really showing itself more and more as time goes by. If I had been told three years ago when ripping my hair out, that I would have a child as good as he has turned out to be I really didn't think it would be true. He is wonderful to be around now. I miss him terribly when he is at school now, I don't often dread those phone calls which I did before.

SO if anyone has a cure for extreme fatigue.. please send your answers on a postcard and winning tip will win... well me with more bounce :-D

x

All loved up and nowhere to go

2008-08-06T17:29:00.002Z

Thats right, I think I can say I have found some of that love stuff. He (with all his faults) is perfect for me. We laugh like laughter is going out of fashion. We have had to go through things in the short time we've been together that not a lot of people go through in a lifetime.

I think I'm in love, well and truely. Our vanilla life and our D's life is ever evolving and seems so compatable.

It has only been five months or thereabouts. But it feels right. You lot who have followed me through from the beginning know I wouldn't say this if I didn't think it to be real but it really is just perfect.

There are things he has done for me in the last few months, no previous boyfriend nor lover would even contemplate. There are things he has done for me which he has done for no other and will never do for anyone else. My heart swells. I try not to look into his eyes when I am angry with him because all I want to do is stare. Stare into his glistening blue eyes. Have him tell me that he loves me. Have him hold me in his arms.

It's upchurningly tragic. I know. But whatever ;-)

The guy has been a hero for me in so many ways. and I don't tell him how I feel too often. But it doesn't change the how I do feel. I love the guy so much.

Now to offset all this disney stuff with bad stuff... well you got to offset the balance ;-)

cunt bugger bollocks wankstains and all :-D

Making love, not fucking war

2008-08-06T17:19:00.003Z

The evening went so well

My boy being just him

A bit naughty a bit shitty

But I saw his eyes sparkle and shine

He gets a grope and a kiss from a few

The passion he shows to others really comes through

He kisses and gropes most people he meets

He makes me so proud, I'm so pleased he is mine

He has agreed to be my submissive FULL TIME

I proposed to him through mail

He will be collared, a proud mistress I'll be

To hold him close, to kiss him tenderly

To finish the day on such a high

We'll go upstairs to consumate and fly

I'll lay him down and sit upon his chest

Kiss him tenderly and with each heavy breath

Make love to him until we're completely spent

Me in his arms completely content.

Breathe

2008-07-21T18:29:00.002Z

Blade on flesh
Glistening and fresh
Goosebumps all over
As my breath cools the air around you
I run the blade right over your skin
Then with the sharp point I start to cut in
Opening the wounds ever so
I like to see your blood flow
The single drip
Then the drop
it starts to run so like a hungry vampire I lick
I taste
Not one drip will I waste
I have your blood upon my tongue
I kiss you and share with you
This beautiful ambrosia
The marks an ever lasting symbol of my love.

Your submission

2008-07-07T15:35:00.002Z

Your submission to me should be give and not take

Your submission to me from your heart you should make

Your four months of consideration have now ended

What do I make of the times we have shared?

Considering taking you through your paces

I write a few words as your heart races.

I love you, you know this, it's true

But should I collar you, for real? Do I really want you?

We've had our ups mostly, some downs.

But we have come through them, a smile on our face, not frown.

We have descussed our vanilla times, and past

We have wants which match, I hope will last

For now though I think you I'll keep

Now starts another quite different streak

For now you're on your way to earning

That collar for years you've been yearning

Lets see just how much you want it

With your submission you give and never take

What you recieve you do so with thanks

DO your best is all I ask

Follow the orders and fulfill the tasks

Please me and treat me well, just like your Queen

We deserve so much from each other

It's been too long

Now You will be with me

Where you belong.

xx

Times

2008-06-25T23:27:00.002Z

Sometimes it is just easier to go along with things than to make your own decision about matters.

I have been following a wind of change, for the better I may add recently. Been busy with house crap, and life. Although life really is quite good, been concentrating more on that than events recently so really need to do something about that when Iget back off my hols.

I also got to start updating on things.. stories and writings. I have missed it, I will return :-D

xx

The Chase

2008-05-10T22:34:00.002Z

His eye started to see what was about him., He started to blink as though he could recognise what it was he saw, even thoiugh he was still very hazy.

"Get up" I demanded. He stil wasn't actually sure who I was but did as I said.

"You have an hour, you can either hide and we will find you or you can find your way out of this site and escape, the choice is yours. Now go!"

He really didn't quite comprehend what I had said until I pushed him into the wooded area. He started to run. Totally disillusioned stil not really able to see properly.

As he left us in the distance I could see he was running into the trees every so often and falling over. His tied arms not giving him any protection at all.

"He will be fine.." said I to the rest of the group as we sat down for a glass of wine. We intended to make the little bitch suffer but .. we may as well chill out a while.

The time went by and I had not heard a peep for a while now so I had assumed he had found his way through the brambles.. (obviously he hadn't reslised that the whole area was totally contained. The area surrounded by an ultimate high fencing system and barbed wire something which he would never be able to figure out especially in his state.)

I knew even if he were to run for a few hours he would still be contained. I wasn't worried.

But finding him, now would be the key. I doubt he would have hidden in the warehouses his mind wasn't of that thinking. I had made sure of that. But I also didnt know the area particularly well. My colleagues for the day, however were practiced in this kind of setting. I was just innocently along for the ride ;-)

Making him pay

2008-05-09T16:45:00.003Z

"Where the fuck are we?" He hissed through his teeth. I had only just about heard him say it under the sack cloth that encompased his pitiful face.

I dragged him by his tied elbow out of the van and soon had him on his knees in front of me.

The sun was shining brilliantly and as I wipped the sack from his head he became blind. Tears started streaming down his face. He was trying to see who it was that had bundled him into the back of his own van. All the journey there was silence and he was scared. Very scared.

"Pathetic. You useless piece of shit! You really shouldn't have fucked me off. Now you will pay!" With that I spat in his face, saliva starting to mix with his tears.

He had been driven from the pick up point for around five hours. He hadn't seen the light of day since six in the morning... christ he had only just about to get into his van to go to work when I had, along with my acomplaces grabbed a hold of him, tied him up and bundled him into his own van.

The driver did as he was told and drove as 'normaly' as he could away from the scene so as not to raise suspicion.

He had had a full day of work ahead of him that he wasn't going to get to now. How he will explain this one away to his superiors afterwards is his problem. He really shouldn't have done it. He had been warned. And now he has to pay the price.

A quick slap, hard and forceful, to his face soon had his attention.

I stood in front of him in my menacingly alluring uniform I had obtained from the army store and wore a balaclava so as to hide myself a little. He was still very shaken up and was as scared as he could possibly be. My boots being that of a sargeants and being a little grubby from the mud when I pulled him from the van.

"Please, what do you want with me?" He started to plead.

I slapped him again, harder the other side of the face.

"You do NOT talk unless you are asked to, GOT IT?"

He nodded. He was still trying to get some sort of vision but when the sunlight still beaming upon his face all he could 'see' was my shape through very hazy eyes. Underneath my mask I was smiling. I had never seen this confident little shit so fucking scared in all the time I'd known him. Little did he know what lay in store.

I pulled my machette from my belt and held it right next to his adams apple. The blade so cold against his sweaty skin. I held my face close to his. Close enough, if he had any sense, to smell me and realise who I was. But I guess he wasn't expecting this. After all.. we had only ever spoken about it in pretence. Ha. That'll teach the little fucker. I chuckled to myself under my breath.

As I drew my blade across his throat I saw a darkened patch appear between his legs. He'd pissed himself.

"You dirty fucking shit!"

His tears from the sunlight now turning into sobbing. But a manly sob, trying not to show that this was the case.

I rubbed the grubby boots into his groin to wash the mud off and leave the horrid muddy stain between his legs. "Now it looks as though you have shit yourself too, doesn't it?" I laughed.

I lifted his head again with my knife so he was facing my face even if it was in the direct sunlight. Held his head there whilst I took the blade down his front and ripped the shirt from his torso.

His shoulders held back and his face now looking very sorrowful. Just the sight I adore. That'll show him for being an arrogant bastard. How fucking dare he do what he did?

We were in an unused building site. Warehouses all around us completely empty. With woodland around those buildings. It seemed that there hadn't been any signs of life there for quite some time, I knew we wouldn't be interrupted. Bar the odd rabbit and rat we, the four of us, were alone. The nearest residential area was a good hours drive away. Noone around to hear any screams. Perfect.

If you go down to the woods today...

2008-05-08T20:21:00.003Z

Be sure not to wander too close to a couple looking intimate... or you may find out more about the birds and bees, well more than I guess people would like to know ;)

There are times I fantasise about certain things. There are times when surprises happen, as in off the cuff things. There are times when plans are laid out and are acted upon in the next meeting of people.

I like them all in varying degrees.

D is just an absolute wonder to have around and I don't think I tell him enough just how much he means to me, even after this very short time of being together. It may be too soon to feel as though I'm falling in love with someone but you know what? I am. Since we first decided to give it a go I have had to really get to grips with someone actually wanting to be with me for more than what it is I do. It is very unusual for someone to honestly want me as much as I want them. Usually it is for their ends to be met and mine.. well I have settled for second best providing them with their titillation and enjoyment. Not saying I didn't enjoy being with them it just felt at times I was allowing them their fantasies without really properly going with my own. ANd I haven't in the recent years had someone of my own. Someone who isn't married, nor partnered. SOmeone with no baggage. Someone who is totally and utterly besotted with me.

D fell in love with me very quickly and it is taking time for me to really appreciate this. We have very good communication channels and he has been one of the most supportive partners I have ever had. I can put hand on heart and really say that I dont' think I have ever had anyone this supportive. Issues recently have meant we have had to be more vanilla than not. And we have found that we are able to deal with each other perfectly confortably in both settings.

I have introduced him to my son. My son refers to him as either 'the man who farts a lot' or 'the long/tall man'. He likes him. :-) But again it took me a while to want to introduce them to each other. They both seem to be perfectly at ease... which is nice considering I haven't introduced B to anyone for a few years and as he is getting older now I really don't need his life more screwed up than it is with his behaviour as it is. D and B get along like siblings at times and it is hard to figure out who to tell off first. But it really is a wonderful thing they seem to have started.

I am feeling confident enough to blog now I think. I am saying openly on here I think I have found someone I intend to spend quite some time with and him, me. We both seem to gel easily in our play. He responds so wonderfully when I have done things to him. He wears my semi permanant brands and has recently been given my probationary collar. Only the second collar of it's kind from me I have actually given in the time I have been D's aware. He is working towards a permanent collar. I have yet to properly get a system in place where he will be earning the rewards needed to obtain this. But I can see it happening :)

I am so very proud of my boy. My whore. My slut. That I find myself watching his face when I abuse his body as I see fit and watch his eyes and I melt. It is rare, or has been of late for me to mix sex and play due to nature of people I play with. But it is a very interesting journey for the pair of us. I'm quite enjoying it.

I am going to push him into places he has never been. I am going to be sharing with him my own twisted stance on life and love and romance. So far he has embraced everything I have shared with him and has been starving for me to try everything with him.

This weekend is going to be wonderful. I get to see him again tomorrow night. I cannot wait.

He makes me so very happy. I haven't felt like this for a long time.. I'm still very weary.. and that is something I have to overcome. I have had twangs of jealousy. Something which I really didn't expect. I will overcome it. I guess I'm looking for him to fuck up as I have had so much experence of previous partners doing before him.. but he has been as good as his word. He has turned up when he says he will. He has been there for me if I need him. I am finding myself trusting this man. ANd that for me is interesting. Trust. Hmm. he gains a little more everytime I see him.

He holds me in his arms and I actually feel safe. Something I'd not experienced properly for as long as I can remember. I am becoming dare I say it-slightly dependant on him for emotional support... :-O which isn't a bad thing as I'd really only had myself for that. But doesn't it make you weak then to feel like this? To know you need for him to hold you and tell you it really is going to be okay? After years of explaining to yourself the same.

I started this blog with the intention of writing a story but it hasn't really ended that way hahaha. Just feeling a little loved up right now. Must be the sun. I had a lovely walk with B earlier this evening and I think it cleared my thoughts of reent times, enough so that I can see the trees all seperately now :)

I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow I think. Have an hour or so sloggin myself to bits. Well I have to do something I have a race to do in a few weeks' time. I'm actually looking forward to it .... and..... and I've also entered the full marathon next year, just waiting for my acceptance into running for Dr Barnardos..

But for now I should sleep. My patterns have been all over the place and I can feel myself getting incredibly lathargic really :-( - Aint as young and fit as I used to be ;-)

Anyhow, signing out.

Night all. x

You know what you have to do

2008-04-27T16:52:00.002Z

Bowing down before me again

Serves you right, you shouldn't have denied me

Your legs shaking and those balls of mine sore

You start that pathetic begging

"Please Mistress, No more"

"Whose choice is it anyhow?"

I reply to your whimper

"Yours, Mistress" as you fall to the floor

"Get up, you fucking little shit" I say with spite

"You know you shouldn't have flinched when I go for them, Right?"

"I know, I'm sorry it'll never happen again"

"Bollocks" I say "Open those legs better than then!"

I take another fist right into the air

I knock into those bollocks right hard and square

You double over with pain

and head bowed down

Your breathing is quick

Your face has a frown.

"Only another five more to go"

I say as I lift you again..

"Okay, lets go"

The adrenalin now pumping right through your veins

You know from tonight you will know how

Just what you're capable of recieving

The pain as it sores right through your shell

The realisation, you may be in hell

I take your shoulders into my hands

Then my knee lands gracefully in your glans

Your body convulses

Your eyes they flicker

Number four, five and six come even quicker

I feel your body start to relax

It has had enough..

But you still have two more! Bloody soft touch!

You know that you deserve everything you get

When you're naughty, you think you'll regret

But now you know just how it can be

When you flinch and disobey me

With a strike of my knee into your groin again

You fall slumped to the floor, nearly passed out

I then use my foot to give you the last

Your body it shudders

As though you have passed

But I see from your face

You're flying

You're spaced

I bend down to lift up your head

Cradle you and take you to bed.

I hold you while you come right back down

I watch your face as it blossoms and frowns.

You look upto me with such a wonderful sight

"Thank you Mistress, did I serve you right?"

"You did me proud, boy, You did so well.

Just don't do it again... "

I look down and see the balls swell

:-D

The Moment when

2008-04-27T16:52:00.001Z

I bite your skin

and grab your balls

I see the look in your eyes.

Your face as it reddens

With the silky tie I have wrapped round your neck

And the clucking of your throat as you try and breath..

It takes my breath away seeing your eyes flicker

And the moment when you're just about to lose consciousness

I let go and allow you to breath

Making your body go into slight spasm

I take your length right up inside

And then use you for my own sexual fill

Grabbing again at the tie

Watching your face as you start to fly..

We both climax with an ecstacy of fulfilment

And I fall into your arms I realise

This is the moment when

I've fallen asleep on your chest

And you're still holding me close

I look back into your eyes,

I see such contentment and such love from you

And it is the moment when

I know you're mine.

xx

Will be a sad day

2008-04-14T20:26:00.002Z

Tomorrow I will be doing something I never thought I would ever have to do. It isn't something I'm particularly proud of either. Nor am I entirely happy about the decision. But the outcome cannot be a possibly any different.

Things always turn out okay though, for me anyhow. It is and will be the knock on effects from hereonin that will be something I have yet to figure out how to deal with.

Conflicting emotions

2008-04-08T10:26:00.002Z

Just as everything is going so perfectly I am tested

Just as I feel things are going my way

I have to take a hundred steps back

I feel sometimes life just takes it out of me

I don't know for what purpose as yet

But I know it likes to ensure my life is full of drama!

I have too much to do, and so little time to do it in.

Yet things still come my way and I feel asphyxiated

Everything will be fine.

All will become clear.

All be be fine.

I want your money

2008-04-03T20:34:00.003Z

Please take this opportunity to donate to a worthy cause I have uploaded a widget thingy which allows you to see how well I'm progressing.

I am going to be running the London Marathon next year so to keep myself motivated I have decided to do a few shorter runs beforehand. The first of which is the race for life and you can sponsor me through www.raceforlife.com/marinawood or indeed if you see me in person you can hand me an envelope which will go straight into the fund. :-)

Every cloud and it's silver lining

2008-04-02T17:49:00.002Z

Some people call it fate, some just thank their right decisions. Either way when two people meet and for some reason there is a proper instant spark it works wonders for the ego.

I met him on the 11th March at the U35's Munch in Cambridge. He was undecided as to whether he should come along or not but he got there with a little directional help from one of the team.

Must admit I am usually quite professional when I do the events but his eyes caught mine on a couple of occasions that night. And I had to steal my stare from his.

It was just the following day I found a memo from him (after saying that I liked him to one of my friends) and that started the flirting. He makes me giggle and has managed to turn me red on a couple of occasions.

Our first outing was at one of the clubs I go to the following Saturday because someone had let me down with about an hour to spare.. so he stepped in last minute and we had a lovely evening together.

Managed to find someone who can take what I give and then some. I had a marvellous evening that evening. And we've been inseperable since really. It feels a little surreal to think we've been seeing each other for such a short time.. nearly a month. But sometimes you just know.. fate gives a helping hand I think.

Nearly everytime we have gone out it has been 'kink' related one way or another so yesterday we both forced ourselves to get out of bed and into real world. It was lovely, the weather was shit so I didn't end up taking him round where I wanted to take him. But he did buy me dinner in a nice italian restaurant. I haven't been taken out for dinner properly for a logn time.

I have been missing this whole relationship stuff for some time. I've not made any lie about it. But just never thought it would happen, well not for some time anyhow. But I think I have found someone. Someone who isn't married. SOmeone who isn't short-nor ginger- and someone who takes care of himself. It does seem too good to be true and I have to keep reminding myself just how nice it is to find someone who means it when he says certain things. Who likes me to do as I wish with him and the body which is now mine to do with as I like.

This one is a bit gushy but if I don't spill on here I may never start reminding myself just how mych we have done.. and have yet to do.

*smiles*

Inches, feet and the length of it all

2008-04-02T16:39:00.002Z

I got him back to mine after what seemed to be a very short journey. The air was very cold and the moon was shining on us both but it felt as though we were both flying home.

As soon as we were in the front door it had dawned on him that he was in for punishment due to his inability to complete tasks and fuck up during the past few weeks.

I had made him write a short but informative report on all of the mistakes he had made and he handed this over to me so I could read it while he did some chores for me.

After the washing up he was instructed to make my dinner. Something quick which I had gotten him to get from Tesco's just after he got off the train. A nice light meal of pasta and garlic doughballs.

"You know your place" I said to him, my eyes ushering him into getting stripped and then beneath my feet so I can rest them whilst I ate.

He massaged my feet and generally relaxed me while I ate. It felt lovely, however it didn't click with him why I refused to let him take my plate out when I had 'finished' eating. I had left a few balls and some pasta. I wasnt going to let it go to waste.

Mwahahaha.

"Are you hungry?" I said with a generally nice soft affectionate tone.

"Well yes, I am actually. I haven't eaten since lunch."

It was now about eleven at night so I did feel kinda sorry for him. SO I offered him my by that time very cold leftovers which he thanked me for. He was to eat from the floor, as that was his place. But first..

"I think that cold food needs warming up some. I think you should pour some of your sauce over it". I smiled.

His face was a picture. Wasn't really sure what I meant and was possibly dreading me saying the next few words.

"Well you decided to break your wank ban. Tonight you pay for that mistake. Spill your seed over this before you even think about touching it. And once you've cum you eat it up and lick the fucking plate clean you dirty little wanker!"

Now if I could have taken a picture of his face at this point you could understand what I meant by saying it was a picture in itself.

He started wanking himself off at this point and finally spilled his load over the cold food on my plate. Then when he realised what he was about to do. I could see him gagging just at the thought of the repulsive humiliation I had thought about all day for him. What a perfect way to treat a dirty little wanker than allow him to take back in what he had spilled.

He lay down before me and started licking and biting at the food. Thinking I couldn't see the gagging and trying to hold the vomit in. I could sense there were tears. But fuck it. He deserved this. How fucking dare he disobey a direct order??

I had never been so insulted before by someone taking the cock they had given to me into their own hands and dealt with it the way they thought appropriate.

It took him ages. And a lot of the time he regurgatated what he had taken into his mouth.

I used my foot to ensure he not only had the food and warm tickly cum in his mouth, but over his face too. I pressed his nose right into the plate making sure it was smothered over his cheeks too.

When he had finished he lifted his head and thanked me. I could see the redness of his eyes. He had definately been teary. Like it bothered me.

"Get that plate washed up and get me another drink!"

He took the plate, very heavy headed and walked out to the kitchen and washed it up. I allowed him to go wash his face afterwards. It was like watching a child after I had told him off. Was fantastic.

"Now go get a glass out of the kitchen" I told him hurridly. He wandered off and found himself a hiball tumbler.

"There you go, now you have something to fill." I said with a wide eyed smile. His eyes widened again. I am sure his mind was racing. He had already licked his own cum from the plate.. surely I was going to get him to drink however much he had.... or was I?

He started wanking again. Soon he had spilled his second load. This time into the glass. I kept getting him to do this every hour or so and the masturbation took longer and longer.

Through a few of the times I held one of my shoes to his mouth so he could deep throat the heel. I also helped him along the way with other verbal niceities :-)

He was such a dirty little wanker.

He managed seven times that night and managed to fill the glass just a half an inch up, if that. I think he was even thinking I'd make him drink it all the following morning, all congealed. Nah I'm not that mean. I just found the headfucking a turn on on this one.

Before we went to bed. I emptied his wallet. I made myself a little extra that night as he had forgotten to take out his own money. He shouldn't have been that stupid really.

I also found his buines card out.... I still have a want to use it. But I am not publically saying how I intend on doing so... well not until afterwards ;-)

Feet, inches and (im)measurable pleasure

2008-03-08T15:13:00.003Z

As you walk with me I feel your nerves and your heart racing.

"Haven't I told you NOT to be nervous around me anymore?"

He replied "Yes, Marina" with a nervous giggle.

He found himself going a different route than the previous times I had bought him back to mine. He thought he had remembered the route by now but I change routes and rules as it suits. One day perhaps he will know the place enough to find his own way about. But not yet. I don't need him escaping.

I took a hold of his hand, something I'd not done before and led him through a darkened passageway. I could feel his shaking frame and I could sense his excitement.

I had this planned for a little while but as yet it hadn't felt right to do this with him. He had refrained form allowing me near him and I really didn't know how to go about finding that doorway into his inside. SO I knew I needed to break him somehow. Show him how truly submissive he could be.

I found a suitable place. I took his coat off. Reached into my bag and got the gaffa tape out and made him hug a tree whilst I taped his hands together round the other side. I needed his back, so I cut the t'shirt from him with the knife I had with me.

The moon shone through the trees showing his half naked form off to me brilliantly. he had goosebumps but I am knowing that was more nerves than being cold.

He has a good enough body but it is untouched. Untouched by my hand properly and he knew he would have to face this side of our relationship at some point. Now the time was here.

I took down my pants and showed them in his mouth "I don't want to hear a fucking peep out of you, GOT IT?"

He nodded.

I tore a strip of gaffa tape and secured the knickers into his mouth. I could see tears starting to form. "I'll be making more of those before the night's out".

He closed his eyes. He knew exactly what I was going to do. This time without the safety net of a safe word or a get out clause. He was going to be mine and I wanted him to remember this night for a long long time.

With his body now starting to react with the cold I thought it best to warm him up, readying him for the pain he was going to receive. I took my flogger and started lightly caressing his frame with it's tails. Teasing him ever so softly. I could see him starting to relax. Ha. He thinks this is it... (I laugh internally) and land a heavy blow upon him to which I hear a muffled scream. I think he had realised then it wasn't going to be a fluffy affair.

I started going heavier with the tool rhythmic with my own heartbeat as that is all the tempo I could hear within. Crossing over his shoulders going a little further down and then.

THWACK.

I land a very stingy hard stroke across his ribs a part I'd purposely not warmed up. He felt it and I had to hold him a little to keep him from collapsing down the tree. "Keep standing you piece of shit".

"uh huh" I heard with a few muffles of what seemed like crying.

"You crying?? What the fuck are you crying for, I've give you some thing to fucking cry for you pathetic wimp"

THWACK, THUD, THWACK. I continued abusing his back until I could see some proper sweating. "Good, finally you're seeing what a good workout can entail". THWACK THWACK. There seemed to be a dull echo from the flogger and his skin. The music was tremendous. The harmony of my heart beating, the flogger finding the perfect but now ruined skin on his body and the echo enhancing the sounds.

Fuck knows if someone had walked past. How would I have explained it away without going up to his body and holding him as though we were Any newly formed couple amidst late night debauchery.

I didn't care.

I started seeing a familiar sight. It wasn't welts anymore which were prominent but lines of blood dripping through the broken skin. A perfect vision. Him still in the same position, back stretched arms round the tree, Back glowing with red stripes. To have explained it any other way wouldn't have done it justice. Like some of those colour enhanced photos mainly black and white with a very vivid red. But my black and white was everything but his blood. That was a very vivid red. His t'shirt wettened by his sweat. And now being stained by his life source too.

He stopped groaning which I had noticed he had started to do a little heavier a little while before and was now sobbing uncontrollably, trying to stifle as much as he could for fear of me using that as an attack button.

I know I had given him a lot by this point so went up to him, gently untied his hands and allowed him to fall upon me. We collapsed under his weight as he was as totally exhausted so I allowed him to just lay in my arms. Bloody and soaked in his own fluids.

He looked beautiful. The moon had moved since I last looked god knows what time it was. His back glistening and very raw. His tear-stained bark rubbed face also glistening. I took his gag off and he sobbed. He didn't look into my eyes.

I put my hand under his chin and lifted his head so he had to look at me. "What a fucking mess you look"

He just nodded. He was spent. He was very unsure as to how he should be feeling but he also knew he didn't want me to let him go. Not then anyhow.
I got up. He stayed.

"Clean my shoes, Look how dirty they are. It is your bloody fault, get them clean and only then we can go home."

He didn't hesitate. He started wiping away the leaves with his tongue, and eagerly so. I feel he wanted to get home quickly, to get warm as he had been shivering badly since I let him down. He did a very good job although I had hoped it would have taken longer. His suffering didn't need to end so quickly.

I ushered him up and took the remaining remnants of his t'shirt from around his waist. I put his coat over him and got everything ready to go.

I kissed him softly on the lips and he responded greedily. "It was only a small well done. Don't get above your fucking station. I haven't finished with you tonight yet."

The look on his face was a picture. Never before had he endured anything like I'd given him nor wondered how it would be to have it continue. His mind was racing, what on earth could I have extra in store for him?

Complications

2008-03-07T17:46:00.002Z

Where would life be without complications and people thinking that they know me well enough to make my decisions for me?

Obviously they know better than I do about how I feel, how I perceive and how I should be with them and others.

I like their ability to decide that they know what I'm thinking... and cock it all up completely.

I say what I mean. I do as I say (generally) so there is no need to read inbetween invisible lines.

Now all I have to do is crack on with my decorating. WOOHOoooooo .. yeah.. fun :-D

BUT I NEED MY BEDROOM BACK. So it has to be done.

Over and out.. for now.

Reflections

2008-03-05T11:20:00.003Z

I write a lot when I either have noone about to bore to death or when I have itchy fingers. Thankfully it is the latter this time ;-)

I have known my shopping bitch now for a year or so, well a year last November which pretty much makes him one of my longest serving people. He has decorated my person with gifts throughout our time together and today I recieved through the post two more pairs of wonderful shoes. One pair of 3inch strappy shoes and one pair of thigh high, metal effect heeled, black leather look boots. Both very yummy, unfortunately the boots were a size it seemed too small. That is one of the big problems when ordering things online.

I am still waiting on the other pair he ordered for me, this rate I shall have to build an entire wardrobe for shoes ;-) Although I'm sure I won't get many complaints about that :-D

Last nights' munch was a strange old affair. Not many people showed really in comparison to other months but we managed to at least get to talk to more people and have proper conversations. :-)

And Petepan surpassed himself again.. god I love that man for his creative talents. :-D ANd am dead jealous of his Y fronts hahaha

I was just tired last night, really tired. Have been for a few days.. again. So wasn't actually feeling like wanting to go and be sociable, but I know if I didn't all I would do is sit behind this screen and tap tap tap away doing meanial tasks which perhaps wouldn't actually be a bad thing.

But it is good to get out the house especially as I've been housebound with an ill child for four days. Poor little thing, he cannot help being ill but it does mean I get less sleep than normal. Thankfully he is certainly giving me signs that he will be able to go to school tomorrow :-D Always a good sign. I don't like it when he is ill. ANd I know we only have to ride it out. But I also recognise the times when I need my ME time. And time I have to get myself out the house and let my hair down, which is why I went last night.

Oh and I bought a few things yesterday on ebay... .found some bargains which I'm chuffed with and so too will my bunnies when it comes through :-) ANd the fish.. and a little something else which will remain a mystery.

I promise to write more porn soon. :-D

Fours years

2008-03-04T11:11:00.005Z

It's a scary thought isn't it?

Where were YOU four years ago? What were YOU doing?

I know that this month, four years ago I was readying myself to go to my first ever munch.

Tonight marks the Fourth March, fourth Munch, fourth Birthday of me actually being in the scene. and boy what an adventure it has been. To recount everything I have experienced all the wonderful people I have met along my journey alongside the not so nice ones ;-) Has really been the making of me.

Things CAN only get better. I've gone through some very BIG changes in my personal life. I have made an abundance of aquaintances and some terrific friends.

And I've also gone through a LOT of you tubing ;-)

Four years.

Four years ago I didn't know where I fitted in life. Four years ago I was a single mum going out of her mind not knowing what the world held for me. Not really understanding a dynamic in which I'd found myself in.. the first boy I'd encountered. It sounds as though I totally lost direction. It wasn't that.. it was more to do with me just not finding a 'home' a safe place where there were actually people like me.

SO anyhow I was already in touch with people from EABDSM, and one in particular was a beautiful lady. Pandora SO we agreed to meet at the Cambridge Munch. It was nice to have someone there I could at least recognise as I know how bad I am with remembering names.

Anyhow I managed to secure a lift with a very kindly gentleman and went along to the Rose and Crown Pub. Cambridge.

Perhaps I went in a little tentatively but not exactly nervous. I was excited. Excited that I wanted to explore and find my way about.

I stepped into the room and finally felt at home. People were very similar to me. Had the same thoughts, shared the same ideas openly, mostly if I'd have talked to my friends (vanilla ones) about these same subject they tended to roll their eyes and sighed. They still do to be fair ;-)

The numbers at the Munch weren't that big really but was nice enough to meet and chat with a few people which I now call friends. Some I have known all the way throughout my journey, some have shared experiences with.

I started to help with the Munch in the October of that year and finally started to organise it on a monthly basis shortly after that. I have never looked back. I have had times where I haven't been sure if I am doing the right thing. Or have taken on projects which, at the time have seemed totally undooable but have ALL worked out very well in the end.

SO in four years Cambridge is now on the 'scene' in a big way. Here in Cambridge we have two clubs running, two munches and numerous outings to events. Funny isn't it that all that could come about in just four small years. Not all down to me.. I wouldn't be that anal in suggesting it was all my own doing. But I like to feel proud enough to take some of the credit for pushing, and nagging people into doing things and organising events ;-)

I now have one very permanent member of 'staff' Petepan and various other poor souls who get dragged into helping me make the scene as fabulous as it is. Special thanks go to Captain Lockheed, Littleboots and everyone else who has helped me ensure CK events have gone swimmingly both in the limelight and in the background. THANK YOU.

Basically I'm just feeling rather happy today. Happy with what I have, Thankful of the friends I have made. Greatful of all the experiences. Most of all I know I am home.

That is down to everyone I have ever encountered. Thank you, thank you all.

It isn't always about YOU.

2008-03-04T10:32:00.004Z

Yes I blogged yesterday, but it wasn't necessarily about you. There has been speculation about the whom it was, and it was about noone specifically. Just me. Me thinking about the HIM that I may find. Fictional character unfortunately.

Thinking about Him

2008-03-03T23:41:00.002Z

There are time when I am alone, or rather when the wee one is asleep and the house is quiet bar the snores coming from him that I sit and I ponder upon my thoughts.

What it is I want from life? What it is I want from those I am close to, never actually coming close to an answer but more teasing myself with eventual possiblities which will, in all seriousness never actually happen.

I am lucky with my life, I have people around me I love and dare I say it actually 'trust'? There are rarely any loyal close 'best friend' types that I could honestly count up.

I have some people in my life which come and they go. Mostly the latter as I am aware I am but a stepping stone for them in their life. This I don't mind because I also know that this stepping stone will leave an ever engrained imprint upon their lives and one which will be there until the moment they leave this world. I like that thought.

I like it that I have a purpose of sorts. I like it that I am able to help them in some way, allow them to feel. Allow them to breathe and intake life. Life at it's best. And being able to be the one who introduces all of these feelings is a very wonderful feeling.

What I'm unsure of is, is.. of what could make the times I spend with certain people complete. And it is this which confuses me alongside the knowledge of why they cannot give me their everything.

I have repeated myself so many times throughout the years of my writings that I cannot find that person willing enough just to give a chance. Just one small chance to the thought of perhaps being one with me. I am either a perfect girlffriend or wife material but always a subsitute for what they are really wanting from life. That something is and never will be me.

Sometimes I don't actually mind this and to be fair I possibly couldn't give certain people what they want anyhow.

How can I offer them fidelity? When the last relationship (proper relationship) I had I cheated in? To be fair it was both ways. How can I promise children when I don't even know if my insides work anymore after my operation? How can I promise a future when my own past is so full already.. with a huge chunk of it carrying on into the present with me. Baggage basically.

Without actually knowing what I can offer a potential suitor how is he to be able to decide if I am actually what he wants or not. But what I do know is the 'he's' which know me have all found those objects I have I have in life a complete no go for them. And I think I'm finding it harder and harder to divert my eyes to new places for to find that special something I am and have possibly been missing for some time.

So for the time being anyway. I am thinking of what I could have on top of the fortunes I already have. The He that I may one day find. The He that would also be looking and perhaps one day our worlds will collide and smash into a thousand jigsaw pieces and then two lives will be started as one again. Picking up all of those pieces and making our own picture.

I'll never give up hope.

I'll never stop thinking.

Thinking about Him.

A private moment

2008-02-24T13:18:00.003Z

One of those moments when you know exactly why he is there.

But does he?

A moment between the two of them that will always be a shared memory. They already have a song to remind them of an experience which elated him.

There is always a thin line when you meet someone and you are hopeful of the situation but then are also aware it is a limited existance.

Thoughts..

2008-02-17T09:12:00.002Z

I try and I think of what will be next

I know not of what I'll do

But it just feels quite nice when we as one

Even for that moment, or few

There is something,

Which is seeming to be

Like quick sand, something pulling you to me

I don't know as yet how it will work

I've been trying to think of you, trying not to smirk

But you have something, something I'd like to draw out.

Something I want to persure, with you theres no doubt.

But I am so unsure of how the 'us' will be

Not as in marriage or even in babies

But in the D's and this way of life

I want to be able to give you good times, no strife

Of growing and of burning those ropes, leave marks behind

I want you to feel, to have moments of more

Just before you go, before you walk through my door.

"Until we meet again, my boy" I'll pray

We will get to that point where you say,

"Green, Marina Please do as you will

My body, my mind are there should you still

Want to mark upon me that mark of your lust

That mark that signifies all we have done, all that you must

Show to me through whatever means you like

To take my body through dthe day and through night

To take away each of my layers, rip me to the core

To show me what life can entail

Show me that and much more

ANd when you are done, and I'm stipped completely bare

You'll hold me a while, Just hold me right there.

You'll build me up and get the best out of me.

You'll take hold of my hand as I stumble, perhaps fall

You'll take me and raise me and I'll be your all.

I so want to be that person I've dreamt

ALl these years such time I have spent

Searching, trying to find what I am

Hoping to find that person underneath this facade, this sham

I want to be free of the confines that bind

I want to be born again and feel like I'm free.

I want YOU to be the one who lets me be ME".

Tolerance

2008-01-28T14:51:00.000Z

Being in the 'scene' I am, I am expected to be more tolerant of people who I'd not normally tolerate.

Now normally I really don't mind but when things come to a head they come to a head.

(I have also noticed my repetition of certain wording so will try not to do much more ;-))

We are meant to be accepting. Yes. We are meant to understand that not everyone is 'normal' nor always readily equipped to deal with social situations.

But anyone putting themselves out into the public arena and going along to social events should fucking learn to deal with the consequences of the actions they make as ADULTS.

Jesus and hell and the like.

I love doing what I do and I will NOT tolerate someone fucking up all the work I have put into what I have been doing the last few years. NOONE is that important.

*needs more chocolate*

Coor blimey, guv'ner

2007-12-30T08:58:00.000Z

Crikey it's been about a month since I posted on here... must be having one hell of a time offline, real life world :-)

Well yes and no.

Have come and seen through a trip to Jimmy Carr, had my 30th Birthday which went fantastically well, been to Centre Parks with some very good friends of ours, finished school term, B has been a little bit of a shit since breaking up, but thats a different story.. lol.. .also last night had CK5.... FUCKING AWESOME. Turnout was amazing. New venue, lots of new faces. And I think things on that particular front are coming along perfectly.

From just a year ago when I'd started running the CK events to last night. I think of all the effort put in by myself and the other people I've naggged and moaned at and am truely grateful. Oh my how wonderful it was to be able ro delegate and also ensure people were really having a good time :-)

But the list of things I have done since last post is also quite a lot. Life this year has been wonderful.. but I will save it for an end of year round up. Bit like the queen's speech but with proper meaning hehehe

Next year isn't going to be so busy. Nor expensive but I know what works, what doesn't and I think.. just think.. it'll b well worth it :-D

B has been a little bugger, as prev mentioned. ALthough I should possibly expect it from a child who doesn't like change,. but the 1am sleep times are doing me in. lol I shouldn't grumble. It ispossibly my own fault in fairness but same time I'm aging faster than a whore on speed right now.

I'm proud of the little shit really. But the holiday we went on with friends sent him back in his maturity about six months to a year. And I'm finding it hard to bring him back to date. He has all the mannerisms of a child with slight autistic tendancies but knowing how my friends' child gained attention through certain things he soon picked up on it and mimicked it... So the Christmas break is well and truely tiring me out :D But today... I don't mind, he is sat doing a spirograph thingy (remember those??) lol And I suppose I'm not as stressed as I have been to the build up of last night. SO he feeds from my ways.

Hmm

I think I'm gonna have to figure out my end of year speech, Be back tomorrow. xx

Fucking tests.. I aint no friggin geek :-P

2007-11-30T11:40:00.000Z

38%

Fighting

2007-11-29T17:49:00.000Z

Takes it out of me, the recent events really knocked me for six, mentally, physically and emotionally.

Everytime someone else is informed, everytime I am reported for something else it seems like I have another bit of my strength zapped away.

Needless to say the official cautioned interview went very well, and the officer who took it even asked me to take her card and to call her shoudl I wish to set up my venture full time.

RESULT.

It is just taking time for me to get through this one, so please bear with me chap/esses.

One I found VERY accurate

2007-11-24T23:38:00.000Z

Lets101 Quizzes - Love Quizzes

Sometimes it's hard to be, a woman..

2007-11-22T16:39:00.000Z

Giving all your strength to just, one little man.

And when I hold him, I always forgive him.. .

Coz after all he is MY little man.

SOmetimes I sit and wonder whether what I'm doing, both homelife and extracurricular is all worth it. I know sensibly that it is but I do have my doubts. And they occur frequently.

I had a phone call from school telling me my little Angel has been the devils right hand man today. SO much so it took two teachers to restrain him. I know when he gets like that (or rather did) in the past it took a lot of my energy to calm him down and sometimes jut had to let him get through whatever temper fit he was having and allow him to come out the other side.

To say I was mortified when I got to school to pick him up is a slight understatement. The teacvhers assure m that they dont blame me in the slightest and it isn't a refelction upon my character in the least.

SO WHY IS HE LIKE HE IS?

It has been since he was in my womb. Maybe in a past life I had the perfect child and now they want me to test how good my parenting skills are with this spawn.

I was seriously considering dragging him to the doctors this evening. But had to rationalise what happened at school in my head, Without any details as to the specifics I don't know exactly how I should react.

With every aspect of my life testing me at the moment it is a wonder the walls of self preservation are still intact, albeit very weakly.

It has been a long times since he was like he was today. I had hoped it had finished. But now I know I have to start watching for signs. Again.

Wish me luck. The interview is on Tuesday 11am. On top of everything else.

Demoralisation

2007-11-17T18:39:00.000Z

There are some times when I wonder whether it is even worth carrying on, wether I should stay and fight or just give into bigoted useless twats that find any opportunity to grass me up to any department they are able and see whether anything they can try and find to get a result of sorts.

Fuck knows what their end goal is. But Right now, this moment i don't feel as though I have strength in me. I cannot even put on a smile and sometimes I try and express my feelings... without being able to, properly.

I am not angry. Or I'd be properly venting and everyone would be stearing clear of me. I am not upset or I'd be in the same state as I would if i were angry.

I am however exhausted. Wondering whetherI actually have a fight left in me. This has been going on long enough. My phone call to the dept on Monday will I suppose nbe a start in something which may carry on.

The harrasment won't end, I know this, they will try it on at every opportunity. Wankers.

Someone will be round soonly so I can possibly chill out a bit. But right now I am just very heavy chested. Sighing constantly. Trying to make sense of why people can have such a vengance for someone they hardly know and for someone whose lifestyle they don't actually comprehend.

The was I am feeling right now is blank. I'm not at the stage where I want to give up, I just wonder whether it is all worth it.

At times like these I don't actually like to burden anyone. Friends, family, even though they are aware of happenings, they are never fully aware of how just blase I am to life. B keeps me going. When B isnt with me and stressing me out I am out allowing myself some time for enjoyment. IT ISN'T FUCKING ILLEGAL.

Ok yes I am a little scared about what the possible outcome from the letter I recieved today will be. As everyone would be I think. And I know the ways things are worded are generally a lot worse than they possibly could be. Just another chapter of their vindictive ways towards me. They have not succeeded with the police. Nor the housing ass, nor the council. SO now they are trying something else.

Is it actually worth it?

Thats the look

2007-11-12T22:22:00.001Z

I grab your skin
The needles go in
Your first time for flight
You know I do it right

You take in your breath
You hold it in
While I take the pin
I drive it right into your flesh

Your lungs exhale
Your face it is pale
But I see that look in your eyes
The glisten, the feeling
The thoughts as you realise

Just what it is I'm doing to you
Is what you've been yearning
These years hoping, learning
Finally to yourself being true

I know thats the look
The look which says
I'm doing this right
Just right, your eyes hazed

With each needle I thread
Into your back I have said
Breathe in and breath out
Just slowly, don't shout

Drink up the feeling within
The warmth of your body
The feel in your skin
The taughtness of knowing
And your face really glowing
Your fantasy, finally here

As your body surrenders
The chemicals seem endless
As you fly from you mind
And the thoughts that it's time
To fonally fall to the floor

You body does crash
Your mind completely smashed
You back all bloody and raw

Yet Thats the look
I find I crave
And you ask

"When can I come back for more?"

Just to have you hold me

2007-11-03T21:52:00.001Z

Just to have you hold me
To hear you say my name
Feeling like you want me
I'll never be the same again

You tell me that you miss me
Only time will make that true
When we get together
There'll just be me and you

Noone else around us
Noone else to care
The way we look into each others eyes
Looking so hard we stare

As your arms enfold me
You whisper in my ear
"I don't want to be anywhere else
Now come closer, come here"

You look down upon me
Your eyes sparkling bright
You lower your head to kiss me
I'm shaking, am I doing this right?

We loose ourselves within each other
You then become my lover
Your lips all over my body
With your kisses, me you smother

Our bodies entwine
Our spirits riding free
I feel both our breathing
Becoming heavier.. or is this just me?

Our bodies becoming one
My mind runs to explore
I fell our heartbeats beating fast
Then we fall unto the floor

Our loins thrust together
Our bodies are as one
We feel ourbodies stiffen
As we find ourselves all done

We cuddle from that moment
That moment we just shared
You whisper sweet nothings again
As you part away my hair

I stare right into your eyes
my body calming down
I feel just so relaxed
You'll not see me frown

As I snuggle deep into your chest
You stroke my hair, then say
"Goodnight my little one,
Rest yourself, for tomorrow's another day"

Going........ down????

2007-10-23T16:15:00.000Z

You told me of your desires to be set free again. You have told me that all you want is to be held, to be loved if only for a few hours, to escape the real world. Again.

I said I'd love to.

Come round. Lets talk, lets down a glass of bubbly as we chat and catch up a little. Let us decide which way round things will be. Let us decide out of nature which way it will be. We have been friends now for a few years and we have trialed through some aweful times and through tears. In have always been here for you and NOTHING gives me greater pleasure than to deal with you in this way.

F, come round lets get you undressed after we have talked. I will see your body again. Knowing how much it turns me on just to have you with me and knowing how wonderful we work together.

You will be blindfolded, You will be encased. You will be able to feel with no escape. You will find yourself wrapped within my confines. You will be held captive from my binds. Your body lifeless. Your mind cleansed. Your breathing so calm and your thoughts sublime.

You looked beautiful out of the encasing, you look even more serene within. I can just about see your chest rise and fall. I can see where those tears of realisation are coming through the wrappings on your face through the hole I left for you to breathe. This time even more intense than the last as we both know just what feelings are being surrounded by this evening.

This evening will be ours. Again.

You look as beautiful as ever, your body just as perfect as it was the last time I saw you. But this time it is different. We both need this we both need that escapisim aspect of our togetherness.

Tonight is our night. Fuck everything else in the world. Sod everyone else. You and me, me and you. Our night to live, our night true.

I will leave you in your state for a few hours, this time not even letting you know I am with you. Just sitting silently. Watching you. Seeing as you start to panic. Your body started to sweat all the more not knowing wether I had actually left you or not as your crys of "please mistress, tell me you're there" start to take on a more depserate tone. Your pleading is something you've not had tested out as yet. But I sit there. Watching you. Knowing you're safe..... without you being let in on this secret.

I can see you started to get a little annoyed by your bindings, yet however you're finding it inconfortable you're also knowing this is what you want what you need, even if it is hindsight that will allow you this information.

You start to wriggle. I smile. I see your mouth start to wibble as the fear starts to set in, finally. You really have no idea that I am still sat watching you. I can be as quiet as a mouse at times ;-) Evil.

I watch as the panic REALLY starts to set in now. You struggle for real against the binds. Is it for real? I hear you ask. I stay silent. Mistress, where are you?. Again I sit here smiling. knowing this is something you have wanted for a longlong time. You're desperately trying to break free. You knowing that it is impossible for the binds are far too strong. With your sight and your hearing numbed you have no idea. Your worst fears start settting in.

You're now weaping. But stil I don't allow the binds to come off.

PLEASE, Mistres, PLEASE. It's no use begging. I am staying silent until I feel it is the right time to release you.

You've only been cocooned for a couple of hours. You can make it through another one.. at least. I know you can do it. I have faith in you. You trust ME to make those desicions for you so it is pointles you begging me to let you go. You're tears only fuel my high. Your weaping only turns me on and it is such a purile attempt to get free.

You're not ready to be let free, not yet.

You have started to realise that the struggling isn't doing you any good. The thrashing about only makes the whole body wobble. You give up. You're now sobbing. Properly sobbing.

Your body is now relaxing. You know it is now pointless to struggle. You've now been in your entrapment for three hours. You're body is floating inside the sweat wrap which has encased you within your binds. You look serene if not totally upset. Upset or finally released from your control? I know you're not quite ready to be let free.

I will leave you here to allow your body to go through the process. You need to realise what I am doing to you, is for you. You know this but hadn't fully appreciated this until now. This moment is yours of realisation. You now know what it means to feel. To feel completeness.

I now know it is time for you tobe born again. Born of the horrid embodiment of the rubbish the world has thrown your way.

As I start cutting through the layers I see you start to tremble. Remembering how you were when I gave birth to you before. You look like a new born. Your body all shrivelled from the dampness. The sweat and other fluid which you were swimming in still surrounding you. I take you out of the outerlayer and wash you down with warm water.

I wrap your shivvering frame in a fleece blanket knowing how fragile you are feeling.

I'm here now, F. There is no need to worry. You're safe.

I hold you until you stop shaking. I hold you until you become relaxed again.

Welcome back F.

I'm grumpy-big rant-waffle whatever, just not worth going through really

2007-10-22T10:22:00.000Z

The last few days I haven't been the best of company even refusing two people who offered to come round to cheer me up. Just wanted an early night last night (which I didn't get due to talking with someone else) and finally arranging something which should have been delt with a while ago.

R has taken it upon himself to block me on msn and ignore a mail from me so I am assuming that contact is now now longer viable. Oh well. I wish him luck with everything. Not much else I can do but I'll be buggered if I am civil to him if I see him at a mutual aquaintances 'do' at any time. I have an ability to help people's invisibility stay in tact when needed. Bollocks to it all.

Yes I am in a bit of a bad mood recently but it hasn't stopped me respecting those who have earned it. Those who have taken time to get to know me and understand what it is that makes me tick. Those who have contacted me in the vein hope of getting some action, one way of the other have been told to go away.. or words to that effect.

There are reasons people come into your life, I still am unsure as to why half the time as all that happens is rubbish. My priority is my home life. My son. And to be honest I couldn't give a crap right now about anyone. Not anyone else bar myself and him. Even friends who I went to see on Saturday I found a drain. Not their fault they are still happily going along enjoying their lot. I am pleased for them, all of them. But it feels as though I'm getting that niggle to break free. It has been a yerning for a while now and maybe I have been looking for an excuse to be able to just fly the nest and go.

Maybe all I need is a good lengthy holiday of sorts. One where I don't have to organise anything., One where I can relax knowing B is looked after in some way. And just some escape time.

I also got to thinking at how my life has changed in the last decade. A huge amount has happened to me, not altogether great for the most part but I am still here and that is what is supposed to be important, isn't it? My son is a very healthy very bouncy fellow of whom I couldn't be more proud.

But I want a lot more out of life. He wants siblings. He wants a bigger family but even only at five and a half he knows mummy needs a daddy figure to make his dream happen.

Most of his friends have a little playmate. Most of his friends and cousins have a family unit. We have us. Me and him. He sees his Dad but he has never known us to be an item. He just knows that he is loved and very wanted. A different story than what was even five years ago in his fathers mind.

I had a bit of a lucky escape really with R. The thing which happened was that he came in me. After us already talking about this whole me not being on any birth control etc so I did take a test, luckily was negative (wether I can even have children or not is a 50/50% chance anyhow) but the point being was that there wasn't any support one way or the other. Me having the thoughts of needing to go through an abortion should the test have come through positive. There would have been no way I could carry someone's child who clearly has no intention of even speaking to me. Again all this alone. I really don't know why and maybe he is thanking his lucky stars that things didn't get any more serious. RIght now I couldn't care less. I know how hard it is to finish with someone. But at least I have made it clear why I had to do it.

Men are such fickle creatures. Supposedly simple.. but only when it is on their terms. Simple my foot. I have had the (dis)pleasure of knowing hundreds of different types of the male species and all have in some way let me down. Not always apparent to them at the time.

My trust levels are at an all time low. I don't feel I can talk to anyone freely. Not like when I was younger and I had my best friend who'd do almost anything for me. (and visa versa) AGain and as I have said to him, I've not had anyone like him since and I think that is why I spout so much garbage on here. I do need to talk and those who have taken the time have known I am there in whatever capacity to help out and talk them through their needs and thoughts. But me? I have words, words and a keyboard. Floating aimlessly within my thoughts expecting to figure out what it is I need to figure out not realising that everything I come up with has a rhetorical answer.

I think over time (and without his teasing of me loving him) I could have gotten to like R. Properly like him. But it wasn't meant to be and to be frank I am glad I didn't get feelings involved. Friday is contact culling day, msn, yahoo, and even going through profiles deleting ones which I am a little narked about.

I cannot give more than I am. I cannot do more than I do. I'm exhausted. Guide me show me what I'm doing so sodding wrong and I'll be able to show you that I am so unable to be that perfect someone people are looking for. Yes it is time for me to say I want someone. And mean it.

Sometimes

2007-10-21T11:38:00.000Z

I am at a loss as to what to write. All I want to do is waffle and say everything what is on my mind but thn I open myself up for the shit that could come with it.

This week has been a bit strange to say the least, having what was perceived, a relationship ending abruptly and just figuring out what it is I am trying to get straoght in my mind.

I have had just tonnes of stuff i need to do, am getting fed up if anything and not been in the most sociable mood the last few days. Not brilliant but could be put down to a lot of things.

I am becoming more and more annoyed at where I am living. More and more wanting to stretch out and bugger off. Get away from everything and make a proper fresh start. I don't really have that much to stay here for. But with B i have to take schooling and everything like that into consideration. Plus be able to ensure he and his father continue a relationship. I may actually look into this next year. By mid year I'll start asking around I think.

I need a body to punish I need a body to abuse. I have a few offers it is just finding time and having the right mindset to make it mutually beneficial.

A complete submission

2007-10-21T11:36:00.000Z

A complete submission

My master last night,
He said to me,
“Strip of your clothes,
Yield yourself to me,
Your body mind and soul are now mine,
Mine they’ll forever be.

Your body mind and soul are now mine you hear
And not your own,
From this day forth I’ll own you
And mine you’ll be,
Forever until eternity.”

As I wait for instruction,
With baited breath
For the punishment to begin
My slave by my side,
Holding my hand in fear that I cry,

“A new beginning as of this eve,
An end to your disrespect and heart that doth bleed.
You’ll see you’re more than those who troubled your past
You’re the best you you can be.”

Now I wear it as a trophy,
I wear the brand with pride,
Bloody chest and ripped up back,
The heavens heard me cry.

I now know my master owns me
And proud he will be

Damn it I am the best me I can be!

You know what?

2007-10-21T09:43:00.000Z

I know how fickle people can be, and I do know I've been taken for a ride on more than a few occasions over the last year. But you know what? To those who have treated me like a cunt.. Fuck you :-D

Thats all.

What you mean to me

2007-10-19T17:59:00.000Z

You helped me when I was down
I rang, you came around
I needed, you were there
I wanted, you cared
I loved you loved me back

Your friendship meant so much to me

We share lots of memories
It was so long ago
But so fresh in my mind
I remember the us that was
The us we left behind

Now we have grown
We've both had lives
We've both seen and done
The stuff we have survived

I have missed you as a person
I've missed you as a friend
Now I have found you
I'd like to hold on, to the end

Whereever our lives take us
Whatever journey we're on
I know that one thing I'd like
Is to know our friendship is as strong

Now that I've found you
I do not want to let you go
And through these very simple words
I just wanted to let you know.

Time out

2007-10-19T15:02:00.000Z

I haven't really done much the last few days. (blog wise-thought process wise)

This morning I woke up and the reality of not being able to talk to R kinda made me wonder if I am missing him even slightly and I am. We had only really been speaking for a couple of months but it was a continuous conversation. I'm not hurting over it I don't think but there is a small part of me which is dissapointed that things have come to a halt.

I don't blame him for anything but I do wonder why it is at times I do as I do. But I do know that if I had have known what had been going on I maybe wouldn't have worried so much about things. Communication, to me, is vital. However insignificant it is to someone else I find even the small details something I can at least know what is going on with the other.

I know that there were a few happenings. And maybe with me becoming more and more paranoid about something that happened I presumed it was to do with that than what it was that did happen. That makes no sense to anyone but me but I know I need to record my thoughts at times to try and evaluate what it is I need to do to improve myself or even have a slight chance at getting together with someone else. IF being the operative word.

I think I know still what it is I want. I just don't know how to visualise this person nor am I able to describe him.

I do know that I am ready for someone. This I hadn't admitted possibly for a while. But with R's interaction I do know that I know that this is what I'd like now.

Realisation and confirmation

2007-10-16T16:56:00.000Z

I had that mail. The one I had kinda ben expecting. I am not right for him, wasnt right for him and possibly wasn't as sympathetic to his life as I should have been.

It was nice to think, that for a while I had started to think maybe, just maybe it could have turned into something a little more substantial but it wasn't to be.

I wear my heart on my sleave but I also know I cannot allow anyone to just open me up. This hadn't happened yet in our relationship but I could see it happening.. in the future maybe, perhaps.

Yes I fucked up. Again. But this is something I am not going to dwell on but I do feel crap for making him feel pressured. This is something I thought I'd grown out of. This is possibly also why I cannot hold a relationship together for more than a couple of weeks. Fair enough most of the time is is due to me getting bored. But I did think this one would have lasted a little longer if I am being honest.

Thank you R and goodbye. I know you'll do well in whatever you want to achieve and there are no bad feelings from my end. I hope that your friend has all of your support and I hope things work out for the best in that area and also in your workplace.

The drop

2007-10-15T21:42:00.000Z

Has hit me a little earlier than usual, it tends to take two to three days.. but the wonderful play I had throughout the night on Saturday ensured me no sleep and a huge amount of chemical infusion into my body.

I had been feeling a little down today and recently with personal things happening my mind has been awash with too many thoughts.. and none with a positive ending.. until I found someoen who I knew a long time ago. I treasured this person and it broke my heart when I couldn't talk with him or anything again.

SO to find him and talk with him this evening. My world has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster today. Now I'm gonna sleep on events and hopefully wake with a brighter, more positive thought process.

Yes I'm paranoid but

2007-10-15T15:04:00.001Z

Also possibly reading too much into something. But I have a feeling that things aren't right and without being told I have no bloody idea as to why.

I don't want to force as issue if I'm being persistant or annoying someone. I dont' wanna end up nagging nor forcing someone into something they don't wanna do. I'd prefer it if I were told exactly what was going on.

Today I am feeling a little unsure about a lot of things.

Blindfolds and cuffs

2007-10-11T20:16:00.000Z

I left him there whilst I got ready.

He had been told to be at mine for half past eight. He got to me by eight so I placed a blindfold over his eyes and lead him to my bed. I used the silk scarves which had been waiting for him upon his return to secure him, spread eagled waiting for me to get ready.

I hadn't showered that day due to being so busy with running the local charity auction (of which I was able to raise enough funds to go towards bigger and better events) and he knew that him being here would allow me to vent the steam of which had been bustling inside of me for weeks throughout it all.

I don't like rushing so I ran myself a bath. He could hear my movements but him not know exactly what would be happening to him, showed by his arousal, excited me.

The moon was full and was flowing through the curtains in a mystical fashion and I could see the shadows from the curtain falling over his smooth skin just wonderfully. I saw the goosbumps perk up when a small whisp of wind entered through the slightly opened window upon his frame. And his face, apart from his eyes, looking good enough to sit upon.

I watched him whilst in my thoughts for what seemed like ages, but only a small amount of real time as my bath had begun to start teatering towards the top. The bubbles make me loose myself anyhow so slipping my silken robe to the floor over my legs and feet, then climbing into the warm and sensuous water with my recent horny thoughts of what lay ahead made my mind start to wander.

As I lay my head to relax on the bath pillow I started to dream.

My lover had been waiting to see me for months now. Neither of us had really taken things between us seriously before but tonight was to become our night. The night where we finally became more than just play things or casual. Tonight was the making of us.

My thoughts had been running ragged for days on the build up to tonight. Well something had to distract my thoughts from the organising of one of the biggest events in the area that had been seen in a decade.

I knew I wanted him. I knew he wanted me but we had both decided to wait. Something that is a little abnormal for me.

All these thoughts flowing and making me tremble in the bath. I had already figured out what I wanted to do, but also play it cool.

I got myself out of the bath (should have stayed in there longer but I was a little eager) and towel dried my hair just enough so it'd still be wet when I went into see him.

He was laying as still as the water in moonlight. His body using the shadows to show more ripples and definition into his torso. I could see he was relaxed. This being a good sign as he must have gone into some sort of state of oblivion because he didn't seem to hear me come back into the room and was very startled to have me beside him kissing his cheek tenderly. My hair still slightly damp from the bath and me smelling like the soap I had washed in.

I went to his side and he felt the first droplets of water from my hair tickle his chest. He was gorgeous. His body became all goospimply and I ensured a few more droplets dripped onto him. I was becoming aroused and he could smell it.

I had taken precaution to lay beside the bed a wonderfully chilled pair of cuffs. Metal, Brand new and the coldest steel I could find. I had also prepared them by keeping them in the fridge for the last few days so they kept the cold nicely. So as I untied his hands and feet there was a confused look upon his face. As if I wasn't meant to be letting him free.. yet he didn't know within second I would be clasping his wrists and his ankles and shakling him to my bed.

The cold steel pressed against his already excitedly shivering frame and I could see his excitement. I had to resist just jumping on top of his hardened cock as I ran my fingers down from his neck to his nipples.

They were stiff too, just stiff enough to take into my teeth and bite ever so teasingly. My nails already painted blood red digging into his skin He made the most wonderful noise, a little like a cat purring and a animal ready to mate. I leant over and kissed, sucked and bit his other nipple, a little harder than the previous one, but hard enough to hear him yelp out a little.

A small slap around his face soon got his attention back from wandering off.

"My turn for a treat" I whispered in his ear.

I climbed onto his face and gently started teasing his lips with my labia. His tongue started licking my already moistened cunt and clit. I ground on his face a little just enough to allow myself a small climax, I didn't want to completely let go. Not yet anyhow. I told him to suck on my clit, this gives a wonderful sensation and something i really love. A little what I'd imagine a blowjob for a man to feel like and as the area which is being centered on is so explosive he soon had me exploding my juices into him.

Spluttering, as he couldn't swallow as much as I was spraying into his mouth, he started to realise how frustrating it was not to be able to free his hands to feel me, touch me. But instead conceeded and gulped what he could down.

I sided back a little and bent down to kiss him, licking what juices had trained down his face and neck I started to suck near his jugular. Something which I, myself find erotic, must come from my insatiable gothic love for the vampire type scenario. Another story, another time ;-)

As I was sucking and nibbling I could feel his pulse start racing.. oh yeah he was enjoying it. And he possibly could have come right there and then. My fingers found their way to his right nipple and I started to tweak, he started to groan, not like the pussy cat from before, but like an animal on heat. He wanted release. I was also gagging to be filled and to use him like the fuck toy he was.

With a very hard nipple twist I sat on his cock and started pumping away. Still tweaking his nipples. Everytime I felt his body shake a little I'd tweak them again. Oh just to be able to see what I was seeing was as horny as fuck. As I reached another powerful climax I got off from his dick and sat on his mouth again, this time spilling far too much into him, over him and all over the pillow his head was resting on.

"Your fault you dirty little whore. Look what you've done to me!" His face was a picture as I sternly said these words to him.

I know I needed to use him some more so I got straight back onto him. This time fucking him until I saw that familiar look on his face. He was getting ready to come.

I knew the moment he was about to explode and I took his blindfold off just as he exploded into me. ALlowing him to see me coming too making his orgasm one of the strongest and longest orgasms he had experienced.

I slowed down a little and bent down to kiss him. "Well done my little slut. Now get yourself washed, get a that silk dressing gown on and go get me a hot chocolate"

He did what he was told at once. Well after I had released him from his shackles. He came back upto me with a deliciously made drink and as I drank he rubbed my feet, purring like the cat who got the cream. His face was glowing. After I had finished he curled up at my feet and we both fell fast asleep.

Hold me tight

2007-10-10T21:30:00.001Z

Don't let me go
Talk to me, share your woes
You don't have to be alone anymore
I'll hold you closer, just to be sure.

You cradle me
As I hold you tight
Through what used to be lonely nights
Now we're together it just feels right.

Seeing in you
Is what I see in me
Being together learning
Learning to let feelings flow free

Such a void we've both been in
Just to be embraced,
The way you touch my body, my skin
You've got my body to breathe

I have started to feel alive
Started to well, just feel
The way it all fits
There is no compromise

So as I hold you close
And feel your gaze
I just feel secure
In so many ways.

Conflicting thoughts

2007-10-10T15:41:00.000Z

Sometimes all I want and need to do is express how I am feeling through this blog. Usually because either the people reading it are total strangers or the words within would have some impact onto people who know me personally.

Sometimes I just need to put into words, or at least try to put into words my thoughts.

Recently I have been chatting with my man near on every evening for possibly a month or so, if not he has been with me. Now you can find a lot about someone by talking to them, especially when I've told him as much as I have and he has also been so sweet and taken the time to go through the past entries here and in other places.

I haven't hidden anything from him and at times he even opens upto me. Not very english like but still he does, in his own way. It seems we have a lot of common life goals. And I like the little things which have presented themselves this far between us.

For examples certain situations such as what happened last night (Tuesday) I am still a little confused if I am being honest about it. We had descussed so much leading upto last evening but nothing could prepare me for what happened. I am having conflicting thoughts about it. One where I am so very happy he felt at ease and did basically just what I had set out to happen but then, did he actually get the pleasure out of it too? I am sure we will talk about it at some point. I do find communication vital even if it is a simple yes or no.

I know long term things have been pencilled in and talked about. not much point beating around the bush on certain matters.. but what happens if I let go and start to actually have feelings for him? I don't know how I'd be able to express them (well there is one way ;-)) but also what happens if thigns go tits up just when I am starting to open up, as has happened on occasion before. Quite a few times actually.

It feels so good when he holds me. I can feel the warmth from inside of him oozing out. He is just very cuddly even though he would more than likely ask me to macho up his image if out and about.. possibly a reason we've not actually gone out yet ;-)

It has been a long long time since I have been even in such a similar situation and to be honest I don't knwo what I shoudl be doing. Usually everything over these last few years have bene organised. Or even done a while before they have actually happened. But not knowing is also something which is leaving me a little unsteady on my feet.

I'd hate to hold him back should he need to move onto pastures greener and I know I come with a lot of baggage and I am shitting myself over the thought that maybe he'd want to really be with me longer term. My insecurities tend to rear their head when I've not had much sleep and last night was awful for sleeping, possibly something to do with what happened as I have been trying to analyse it all. I also know that after seeing him a few times and knowing that I'll be seeing him some more it is something of a future prospect to-not exactly plan things but- to start taking seeing him for granted.

I don't want to take anyone for granted especially a partner. I am sure he will tell me to shush and to stop thinking about things so much but then we have both agreed to be verbal in our thoughts, much rather it be said and be open than keep it inside and then have implosions.

I have no idea wether I'm supposed to come to any conclusion with my ramblings here and cannot find a moral to this story.

I guess I'm shattered after not sleeping well again for a few days. Oh and i'm only on the second day of chocolate abstinance and haven't even had any cravings. This will lead to the afore mentioned man to eat his hat when I win the bet :-D

His thoughts

2007-10-07T12:11:00.000Z

Were racing through his mind. Would he actually live upto her expectations, after all she had disclosed so much to him. Her wants, her desires but would he be good enough? "No pressure" he thought. He remembered her words from their chatting.

He knew that when they were alone only their bodies were what would be talking. Making a symphony of noise and feeling.

He made his way to hers, knowing what would be expected but then... did he? After all she could just do a complete about-turn on the night they had both envisged.

He knew she had a strength of her own, something of a challenge to him. Something which he hadn't really experienced much before. This excited him.

What the hell was he thinking? After nearing a year from all this he has started to wonder what it would be like to get to know someone again, intimately. He knew she also had been feeling the same. Their common goals seemed to be so simliar that theirs was too good an opportunity to miss.

Feelings scared the pair of them. Both knowing that they wanted certain things.. both getting closer everytime they talked to one another. One day it will all become clear, he thought. He didn't know to what extent she liked him and she refused to say as she had been through some shit in the past and she wasn't able to open up to anyone. Not until she knew the time was right anyhow.

Not knowing was also something that was playing on his mind. Was she just wanting him for his body?? Surely not as he wasn't all that impressed with himself when he looked into the mirror. But for some reason she did like him. She liked the way he was able to hold her gaze, even if he felt a little paranoid when she did it. He liked the way she made him feel when he held her in his arms.

They fitted. They seemed to be able to mould into one anothers bodies without any effort. It felt. Well it felt right.

He wanted to let her know how he felt but was so unsure of being knocked back he daren't.. she had the same feelings towards this and he knew it. But for now they were gradually getting to know one another on the times they were allowed together.

His thoughts had carried him right up to her door. He knocked and she let him in.

"Fucking hell!" His thoughts were at that moment just of her and what was about to happen. He controlled himself from saying how good she looked as he didn't want to spoil things, He knew of how things were meant to happen.

He held her and as soon as the door was closed he put his hand up her skirt. Fuck she felt good. She had definately been waiting for him. Even if her hair was soaking wet. He didn't mind. It kinda added to the situation. He kissed her as his fingers invaded her. She had done what they had talked about and he couldn't think of anything more wonderful. Knowing that this was actually happening, just as they had descussed. A fantasy coming true.

Feeling her arousal and finding that his hands were getting soaked he grabbed her hand. He couldn't stop just wanting to beinside her again. It felt so good. Surely she must know that this closeness is something outside the norm for him. Yet everything just seems to be working well. He thought he had better stop analysing things.

He was there to fulfil something they both wanted. It had been so long since he smelt her and knowing how much she wanted him filled his body with a tremendous excitement.

He led her into the living room and bent her over the table. without a word he lifted her skirt. He couldn't believe just how easily this was happening. Just how powerful it felt to have her, of all girls, wanting him. practically begging him to fuck her. He saw her moist cunt and using one hand in her to tease her he unzipped himself.

He was hard. Hard for her. She had made it clear what she wanted and he was going to give it to her. Yet he was so afraid of hurting her he was torn. He made room with his fingers for his cock and he forced himself into her, feeling her body convulse and hearing her groan. No time for even thinking. He felt her body go heavy as he felt her orgasm very hard.

That was enough to get him to start knowing he was about to come, suddenly she came to again and their breathing continued in unison. He cupped her breasts and held her so close that he was pushing himself as far as he could inside her.

He knew the moment was there as his head flung back and he thrusted into her with such a force they both knew they were coming. It happened and they were still together. Still one. He thrusted some more just to ensure everything was spent. She was used and he moved his hand to her chest. Her heart was pounding.

He turned her round and kissed her passionately.

"So what do you want for dinner?" He asked. Doing himself up and getting ready to go to the chinese.

She looked confused but felt well used. "Lets go see what they have, eh?" She said happily. She had definately got the cream. She was glowing.

He felt liked they had come a long way in such a short time. He hurried her out the door to get dinner and couldn't wait for desert ;-)

She was told

2007-10-05T19:00:00.000Z

To get herself ready for him. He was going to be at hers within an hour.

She had already decussed their next encounter but didn't realised it would have come so soon.

SHIT.

She hadn't shaved any part of her. She needed to find those specific clothes out for him... without the panties. And and... she had no time to go through the mental list she was used to.. Quick, shower and get ready for him.

His comment "I will have one finger inside of you before I come through the door, any material resistance will mean I just go home straight away" had her wetness ensured. She hadn't always reacted so well to being told what to do, but for some reason this guy started to change her way of thinking.

She had been hearing those words go round and round inside of her for a few days now and she really just wanted to feel him inside her.

She knew how to please her man.. she just hoped she'd live upto his expectations.

From previous encounters she had realised that being touched so gently had bought her off to an unpenetrated orgasm. He was the first in a long time to use words to make her body stand up and be counted. He made her feel alive from what had seemed an eternity of numbness. He wanted her. That in itself was what made her loins so moist that she was practically begging him to be with her.

Fuck fuck fuck. She had been daydreaming about him whilst in the shower and the time had flown. He would be there in ten minutes. SHIT. As much as she was turned on and needy, the last thing she wanted was to dissapoint him. She wanted to please him and make him want her all the more when he arrived.

She quickly shaved all her areas for his pleasure. Rushed out of the bathroom hair sopping wet and found those clothes he wanted her in. These, it seemed, was what he had pictured her in and he wanted to use her in. Yes use her. A word generally used for the people she delt with. But now it was her turn to feel that feeling of complete need. Desire. Control from someone else.

She had never denied her sexual intimacy desires but they weren't there for the knowledge of each and everyone. Just the ones she wanted to let know.

Her body still glistening from the drops of water from her hair she answered that knock at the door.

He couldn't take his eyes away from how she presented herself, those shoes. That corset, that skirt. She was his for the taking. Without speaking he shoved his hands up her skirt, into her aching wetness and he watched as she immediately came to orgasm. She had been wanting this for a long time. It just took a special person to gain her trust enough to do it.

He puller her close and whispered into her ears "Good girl"

She shuddered as she felt almost slightly floaty, with just words?? SHe mentally climaxed...how the fuck can anyone do that to her. She was supposed to be the strong one. She was the one who should have been in control and he was shattering everything. Yet his animal instincts and her body just wanted to be one. He only had to say a few words and she was his.

He grabbed her turned her round and bent her over lifting her skirt quickly, unbuttoning himself and forcing his huge throbbing manhood into her. She couldn't believe how turned on she was being used. She had never imagined this turning into reality.

She came almost immediately he felt that clench from her pussy that made him know just exactly what he had done to her. It didn't stop him. He started pounding harder and harder, with as many clenches from her and thrusts from him their breath started becoming rythmic and together.

He reached his hands round to cup her breasts through her corset and released them soon after. He knew that touch touching her nipples would throw her over the edge. It worked. She was bucking and her body was convulsing with the ever yerning urge to shower him in her juices.

She cannot remember much from a few moments after that as he had made her pass out from the orgasm highs. She floated back down and found him ready to explode. His breath was heavy as he started to grunt slightly. His body became rigid and then there was that final thrust. The one where she knew he had spilt his seed into her. He carried on thrusting to ensure she felt every last throb from his cock.

He stood her up and still inside her held her from behind. Both of them needing that closeness. Knowing each other was totally satisfied. Their juices starting to flow down the inside of her legs. He just held her. turned her head roudn to meet his and he kissed her. Long and deeply.

They looked into each others eyes.

This was what it was all about.

Smiling

2007-09-25T10:58:00.000Z

Been a while since I had something positive to blog about.

But someone is stroking my ego nicely right now.

We have a proper DATE on Friday which I've actually started to get girly about. We have spoken quite a bit and have decided to do a complete vanilla dating thing.. excluding sex on the first date :-D

Plus there have been two requests of play confirmed with a couple of suitable people. SO it seems life is going a little better for me right now.still not doing much pro stuff. It's been on the back burner since June really.

But for now I'm just quite happy.

Still sodding skint.. but happy :-P

I'm a top... who'd have thought it ;-)

2007-09-09T08:37:00.001Z

I took Sage Vivant's Erotic Personality Quiz and discovered I'm a Top!

What is your Erotic Personality? Find out now.

I'm sadistic :-)

2007-08-31T22:54:00.000Z

You scored as Sadistic but indulgent, You like to see Your slave in pain.
And to reach this goal, You like to use many different tools like whips, clamps, crops, strap-ons or different kinds of bondages.
You will make Your slave suffer, as long as it's consensual.

Sadistic but indulgent

98%

Kinky and sex driven

91%

Teasing and "bitchy"

85%

Lifestyler

83%

The Trainer

78%

Fussy and demanding

72%

Psychologist

70%

The Player

68%

Possessive and controlling

63%

Extremely sadistic, twisted and pitiless

60%

Loving, caring and with submissive tendencies

58%

Humiliatrix

57%

Cold and distant

57%

Female supremacist

33%

Which kind of Domme are You?
created with QuizFarm.com

Emotions

2007-08-01T18:12:00.000Z

Are wasted on me.

I am neither happy nor sad.

I am not even feeling..

Not caring really anymore.

This state of mind hasn't happened for a long time and it took me months to get out of before.

It isn't depression. I know what that feels like.

I am just drained i think, void of any emotions.

B is getting my wrath recently and as for family members shouting their views at me, well usually it would have effected me in some way. But nothing. Not today and not for the last week or so.

But I am not angry either. I don't know what this mid way means. I am emotionless. I smile once in a small while. My mojo has fucked off and left town completely.

I have no juice for writing or for spreading positivity.

This space in mindstate is crap.

A rant about the situation which is family

2007-07-29T20:13:00.001Z

I am not one to hate nor have much ill feeling towards anyone, hardly. Even those who have wronged me in the past have found me to be understanding etc, I think anyhow if they were to come to me for help advice etc I have been there.

That little bit of rant is out the way to make way for the

GGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR fucking FAMILIES bit

The sister, the one below me (I'm one of too many) like to be the one who is seen to do everything.. one that likes to SHOW she is doing something yet doesn't actually like the actual doing of it.

Ok explains.

Last year when dad was first admitted (touch and go at that point as we really had no idea if he'd come through the attack, it was severe) I was unable to get to my fathers house in time for the ambulance crew to fil out the paperwork of next of kin, so the next eldest sibling decided she should be hero and put her name down. (not actuallly THINKING about how it would be if anything did happen to dad etc) but then was morew than happy to sign him off as she had thing to do. Somewhere else to be other than besides my fathers side and making sure he was making a speedy recovery.

Selfish bitch?? Hell no... just has to do things for herself and not give a flying fuck about anyone else, just as long as she is KNOWN to have DONE something......

ANyhows cut a logn story short. I asked for the details to be changed and they hadn't done it for this time's admittance. Not a worry entirely but U had asked them to ring me if anything was needed or I was needed as I couldn't redily stay overnight with him but instead took root in captainlockheeds flat over night, again.

I get a phonecall from her just now (dad has been admitted)

"Where is dad?" (not how is dad, is he alright? bladhdiblah) "I've just had the hospital on the phone to me because he hasn't picked up the prescription he was meant to have got.

ME "Well I had told them to change next of kin because to be honest It should have been recorded as me being there instead of you anyhow, incase of any eventuality. "

"It doesn't matter WHO is on that form, just tell me where he is"

"It does matter. I am the one who has to look after him should anything happen. But he is actually on his way there right now t pick it up"

Unbeknown to me she had hung up when I was saying abut the it does matter...

The tone was there and I hadn't realised.

I sent her a text. Not a nice one, telling her that if she gave a flying fuck (instead of dealing with the alchololic father of her third child and not giving a crap about her family -us- and giving her other two children ~by a drug addict~ to anyone that can be bothered to look after them~ bar her because her NEW family is far too important to be a part of OURS -oh yes there are issues already in the foundation) dad may be more wanting her to take a more active role in his health care.

Stupid cow.

Now back to the fish rape. Ahh solice.

My day today

2007-07-29T20:05:00.001Z

For this one I was going to do something major, something dramatic but instead in view of very recent events I wanted to share some things with you.

My Dad is in hospital again, not breathing enough even to have taken a nebuliser today. Not good at all. And for one stupid reason I didn't pick up the phone to my sis, (yes I am THE one reliable one in the family) but had a splitting migrane for the past couple of days that I just ignored it.

So when I went to find my phone and had an urgent message on there from her saying that he has been taken in again guilt set in. Now my phone is on me and besides me and won't be off until I know he is ok.

But.

She had had to ring round all the siblings trying to find someone to go with him to hospital as I had been selfishly trying to get rid of headache and so was able to get one of them, finally, to go with Dad.

Now this sister, the youngest, I have a HUGE problem with. Not just because she fucked my son's father when I was 7 months pregnant. Not just because when they were fucking they were doing it un protected. Not just because on top of that they passed me through Clamydia. Not because all of that on top of an already awful pregnancy and four threatened miscarriages and numerous admissions into hopsital thinking I'd lost my baby time and time again. Then not finding out about the fact they had (confirmed 8 months after B was born but I had thought it was my hormoned playing tricks on me thinking she was upto no good) been at it constantly until my dad found out. But more because the whore showed no remorse, but more a 'Haha I fucked your other half and I don't give a shit'- To this day she has still not given a shit- attitude.

For some reason~because of this small reason~ I'd cut her from my life for the past five years. Not wanting anything to do with her nor her offspring (bar me shouting down the phone to dad to get her 'fucking arse down the STD clinic as she is an STD spreading whore and she is lucky I wanna do that for the sake of her unborn child' blahdiblah.)

But it was her who accompanied Dad this morning. Now when I'd even been in her vacinity up until today I'd felt my stomach in knotts. I feel sick everytime I think of her doing what she did and not giving a hoot about it. But today, I don't know how I did it. But I went into A&E to find Dad and she was sitting there. I never hardly even mention her name but I found myself telling B~ my son~ to ask E~ the whore sister~ to move her coat so he could sit besides her. I didn't speak directly to her nor actually aknowledge her even being there to be honest but I didn't slap the bitch as I'd been wanting to do, and had been feeling like for the last few years. But concentrated on filling the doctors in about dads condition and stats etc from the previous admissions.

Up on the ward again with Dad and he actually thanked me for 'Behaving myself whilst around 'E'.

Bugger me sideways, I didn't actually know what to say in response. I didn't know if to feel proud of myself for not exploding into her. But I am a calm person generally (except the other day obviously) and I wouldn't cause a scene. So I guess that must have been playing on his mind as to if I'd 'start' something.

But I really didn't know how to feel about him acknowledging the fact I'd contained myself. I think he was proud of me but it was only because I had to, for him. He doesn't need stress, thats what has been getting him into bloody hospital recently. SO I'm nto about to start giving him more.

AND, ANd the selfish bitch sister( blogged about the other day) also turned up for a 'token' visit. After me telling her to go to hell through text after her calling me the worsed mother etc blahdoblah. I didn't even spout off at her. Instead I just kinda told her (albeit clinically) how dad was doing (but I do think to be honest the argument the other day must have made her sit back and realise that she has to start giving a damn about Dad and not just herself and her alcoholic other half).

Today I am numb, tired and a little sore. I think I may have overdone it walknig about and making sure dad was ok think my tummy is telling me I need to go a little slower. I am fed up of hospitals. I really am. But whilst He needs me I will be there. I am going again tomorrow in the afternoon with the sister who lives with him, her son and mine to go and make sure the old bugger is behaving himself.

It is hard to see the man you knew as being a tough old bean looking like a shadow of himself. Today I saw in him such vulnerability. It was awful. His eyes werent the same. The body of a once very strong man, shivering ans shaking like a new born baby.

He is my dad but I feel so protective towards him. He has given me 30 years of his life, it's about time I was able to give him something back, ya know?

I am lucky in the fact He has been a rock through so much of the crap I have gone through (not half of what has actually happened or it'd ruin him to know everything) but he knows about my lifestyle, he even knows most of my 'friends' in the scene.

And is happy that I am happy. That is what parenting is about. Knowing your child is happy. Life is so sodding short. As a few people on here have found out very recently.

Thank you to that certain someone who memo'ed me saying I should make it up with the sister I blogged about (this someone who has very recently lost a member of her family), I will memo you shortly, privately. I hold no grudges generally. But I also know that we all have Dad in common and whilst I have issues I shouldn't have them in regards to a man who has raised us, kept us from as much harm in his human power he has through our lives and also. Loved us as individuals, however hard it has been for him to like us at times and taken care of us the best way he has known how.

I guess I am emptying my mind of thoughts from the last little while, I don't know if I will ever like the siblings for how they perceieve the world and what the world obviously owes them. But I think maybe for the sake of my father I should kinda use some resolve when he talks about how proud he is of my siblings. I understand what it is to have parental love, I hold it for my own flesh and blood. But with sibling rivalry there is no way of him having power over it, but stil love us for our individuality.

If there was a perfect solution for him right now and if I could set the worlds to rights, even just for him for however long I am lucky enough to have him in my life, I would.

I think possibly with all which has happened this year, with him not being well, with me being unwell it has all been a bit of a mind shitter really to take in and get a bigger picture of how things are.

There is a bigger picture. I am not the important one in his world, we all are. I just wished I could make my sisters see this My brothers are ones who just kinda sit back and wait for info.. men lol. But I guess they're doing what they deem in their minds as right, and who am I to say my own opinion on the matter.

Ahh this has just turned into a kinda mellow rant

I wonder why

2007-07-02T12:32:00.000Z

I Wonder why it is

I do the things I do

I wonder why it is

That i like you as I do

I wonder why it is

That I think of you night and day

I wonder why it is

I wanna be with you right away

I wonder why it is

I wanna scream and shout and smile

I wonder why it is

This moment lasts only a while

I wonder why it is

You make me feel complete

I wonder why it is

I love you at my feet

I wonder why it is

You and I are one

I wonder why it is

That you wanna take this road with me

But thank you. I'm enjoying the ride.

Ponderings.

2007-06-30T01:12:00.000Z

Life is about giving and taking.

I give,

They take

I am happy about this because they are

Does this mean it is wrong?

Not necessarily but it does make me wonder.

Ponderings.

Another hospital visit

2007-06-29T16:45:00.000Z

My pre operation admission thingamajig was today.

Suddenly everything is starting to feel real. I'm actually going to be opened up and be rid of this things which has been a part of me for longer than I know.

I don't know what my fertility will be like after the operation, more likely 50/50 is a hopeful.

I have thought about the what if's... too many of them to even start to write. But someone yesterday was very good at listening to my ramblings, and for that I am greatful.

I have really started to think about things and people who are prominent in my life right now. I don't know what it is I want from them. I don't know what I am able to even give myself anymore.

I am not depressed. I am just thoughtful right now. In the sense where I am just thinking everything and everything is just muddled and completely insane.

Before I went to Graspop I had completely started to loose track of who I am. I have gotten myself involved with things/people of which I don't know what to honestly do about. I also started to review how I am as a parent. I started to doubt myself so completely in everything. I am not feeling down. I am just wondering what it is people do actually want from me. Me to do everything and be everything they want? yet without even possibly considering what it is I want.

But what is it I want? I couldn't even tell you until I know what is happening within my own person. Not knowing is daunting.

There are times I want to scream at people and tell them how I feel, But for true fear of rejection I just go with the flow.

Just amble along and keep my own feelings to myself. I don't want to pressurise. I want to make THEM happy. I don't want to go back to how I used to be, not being able to say how I feel because I'm frightened of the outcome. I always have prefered having friends and knowing I can rely on them....but when you find yourself liking someone more than you should or need to.... What the hell do you do?

It has just been this last week I have been posing questions to myself. I am querying everything/anything. Just to make sense of something, just one thing would be good.

Why

good word that one. I am stuck. I don't know how to answer things, I guess time of reflection is upon me. I don't know what to do with situations right now. I am happy I know the people I do and share what I have with them. But i also know I want more. If they are unable to give me more.. what then? What do I do? Carry on regardless and figure out what to do when it is too late? Maybe just settle for being happy and not properly content? Maybe. Maybe. Possibly. I don't know.

Even the fortune ball I have isn't working for me.

I got my Osiris cards through just the other day but I didn't want to fill them with my negativity when I use them so have been delaying using them. I do feel though I need to read for myself, see where on earth things seem to be taking me.

I need to figure out what it is I want from life. I need some sort of guidance and right now everything has left the building, every outside source has taken a tea break and doesn't wanna get involved within my inner disputes.

Oh pass the chocolate, I see a long night looming.

Oh and i still have tomorrow to organise. Fun.

Not the good sort

2007-06-25T22:34:00.000Z

I'm tired and in pain.

Not the good sort of pain either. Only a few more weeks to go before this blasted useless lump is out of me and I can start to organise my life a little better.

Looking forward to the weekend as it wil be the last organised event until after my operation.

www.sin-nation.co.uk/ck

S's submission to me... in his own words :-D

2007-06-15T13:54:00.000Z

There have been many times when I have wondered if I am dominant, submissive or maybe a switch. I guess everyone when they enter the scene think the same thoughts. Am I normal? Should I be doing this? Waht would my friends and family think? But in all of us there is a driving, unswerving force that makes us feel the need to seek the answers that we ask ourselves. For me, I first entered the scene and labelled myslef a switch. After all I was new to the scene and didn’t want to rule anything out. I didn’t kow what it meant to submit to someone, or to control someone and wanted to explore everything in order to find out exaclty what it was that drove me to this point – wanting to explore all the so called “deviant” and “wrong” experiences that modern society tells me I shouldn’t.

So it was one evening when I turned up at the house of a Mistress I had spoken to online for several months and met a couple of times at fetish clubs. Of course I was nervous, apprehensive, scared and shocked that I found myself ringing the doorbell. What lay inside? Would I be beaten to within an inch of my life, would I be the victim of a sadistic Mistres who knew no mercy? Or would I enjoy it. The thought of the last feeling forced me to press the doorbell. I knew that I had to, and I pressed it functionally, without thinking about it. The doorbell was just pressed.

My Mistress answered the door, and after the usual initial pleasntries, I was led upstairs to the bathroom where I was to take a shower. Taking of my clothes was like stripping of the shackles of the outside world.

Inside this house there were no rules that the outside world new or accepted. Just the rules that my Mistres laid down and which were the reasons why I was here. Once I stripped myself naked, and my Mistress had feasted her eyes on my naked body in its raw honesty, I took a shower. Once I had remove my clothes, I felt calmer, more relaxed. It had begun, and this was what I wanted. She stood there whilst I took a shower exactly how I would if she wasn’t there. She gave me some wine to calm me down. She could see that I was nervous and reacted accordingly. Once I had showered myself, Mistress showed me the leather mask that I was to wear.

The mask of submission, the mask that allowed me a certain place that I could be myself and lose myself in the situations that were to follow. Standing there naked whilst Mistress strapped the mask to my face was an incredibly relaxing experience.

I was hers now. I was hers to do with as she pleased. She had seen me naked, and she knew why I was here. I was stripped down to my most naked level. A level that I had never been stripped down to before, and it felt incredibly liberating.

In most of my experiences with women before I felt embarrassed about them seeing me naked, but with Mistress, I wanted her to see me in my most natural state. I belonged to her now and I wanted her to see me exactly how I am. Mistress covered my eyes with a leather blindfold and led me naked by a chain from my collar down the stairs into the room that I had not seen. I did not care.

This was what I wanted. To give up control to someone who did not judge me and used me for her pleasue, and her pleasure alone. Mistress bent me over a waist high A-frame and tied my wrists and ankles with rubber bindings so that I could not move. Mistress then started to flog me, slowly at first to warm me up. I knew this and that this was just the pre-cursor to what was to follow. I do not like pain but in my relaxed state I endured and enjoyed it. The flogging melted into the paddle, and then the cane, during which for the first and only time I invoked the safe word, which Mistress respected totally. Mistress then moved onto tickling which she knew was my weak point. I beared it as much as I could and we both derived much pleasure from it in totally opposite ways.

I was slowly but surely becoming hers, and we knew it. Mistress knew I was fighting it, bt we both knew that it was only a matter of time before I totally submitted to her. Mistress gave me some more wine. Not much, just enough to settle me down, and then made me stand naked, masked and blidfolded in the centre of the room whilst she tied me with rope in a small harness, before I was made to kneel in front of her.

Mistressed teased me by rubbing her nipples against my lips. Oh, how much I wanted to suck them and feel safe, but she teased me and would not let me. Mistress then laid me front down onto a bench where I was duly flogged again, tickled and bitten. I did not react now as much as I had done earlier. My will to resist was being slowly worn down and I was bit by bit learning why I had felt the yearning to submit. I was then put flat onto the floor.

Mistress bit my nipples, and kissed me, teased me. Mistress knew what she was doing and how I was going to react.

Mistress then laid me back on the bench and tied my naked body in her ropes. My arms and hands were secured into the praying position. Mistress tied her ropes around my body, arms and legs until I was totally secured and could not move. The ropes felt comforting and I was totally relaxed in the knowledge that I could not move. Freedom within bondage is a phrase that I now understand, and a lesson that Mistress taught me.

By now, I was Mistress’s to do with as she pleased. I trusted her. She had done things to me that no one else had dared do, and that I had not dared anyone else do to me. I enjoyed it and lapped it up like a young puppy slowly discvering that the world actually existed.

Mistress then used me for her pleasure. The exact things she used me for are inconsequential to me, as by now I trusted her completely. I remember certain things like her thrusting raw ginger down the opening of my penis, and her driving a screwdriver into my glans.

To me, this felt like pleasure. If you had asked me earlier about these things I would have run a hundred miles, but in this situation I endured and enjoyed it.

This was why I had pressed the doorbell, this was why I was here.

This was what I had fantasised about all those years, and now it was reality it felt incredibly fulfilling. Relaxing. Comforting.

Mistress then asked me about needle play. I was worried about hygiene, but Mistress expalined to me the course that she had been on and how she knew how to play safely. As a trained first aid responder, I agreed that she knew what she was doing.

I had neve played with needles before, and neither myself nor Mistress had intended to play with them that night. We were both glad we did. Mistress pierced me sixteen times in a semi-circle from nipple to nipple. Each piercing was a mixture of pain, then pleasure. I hate needles and cnnot stand any injection, yet this I enjoyed. The joy that Mistress got out of adorning me with her needles joined with the satisfaction that I got from enduring the slight pain and knowing that I was making her happy. For the last needle I asked Mistress to pierce my nipple.

Mistress did this and amongst several pictures took one of her needle through my nipple. By now I was for the first time totally submissive.

We both knew that until now, I had resisted. But now I belonged to her, my only “her”. There was no coming back fromwhat we had shared together and what we had given to each other. This was how it should be.

We shared something very special together, and had given each other far more in one evening than most people give each other in a lifetime.

Although I am far away now, in a foreign country, I still remember back to that one special night, where I lived my fantises, and they were fulfilled totally. Too many people dream about them without allowing them to come true.

For me, they came true, and I always carry around a smile on my face in remembrance of that one special night I was allowed to spend with Mistress. Thankyou.........

Gone but not forgotten

2007-04-29T09:13:00.000Z

Recently descovered idiocy.

A likeness from the past

I always knew that things would never last

The boy I thought had some spirit

But alas he showed no remorse

For being a complete wanker

And allowing outside influences

To control all of his thoughts

It is a shame that one supposed so clever

Can be so fucking stupid

But I guess that's his manipluative life in a nutshell.

For today brings the end of an era,

And a start of a new life,

Thank you again, now permanent goodnight.

Spanking my monkee

2007-04-15T12:43:00.000Z

I went to Lovetrix last night, purposefully to meet with one person in particular, I hadn't told that many people I was meeting him but he wouldn't go unless I did. Thankful for him and myself we met.

We had been having some really wonderful conversations via Yahoo and MSN the last week (maybe more, time flys eh?) I usually know within the first conversation if I am getting on with someone and if I wanna take it further or not. This one I did.

When another one of my friends said he had a spare seat in his car and would I like to take it I jumped at the chance and then told my friend to meet me there.

Crazy person, got the same dry/sarcastic stupid sense of humour which really helps when talking. Sometimes trying to get humour across to people is bloody hard work, but with him it oozed, like a good std from a whore.

Monkee. Fabulous chap, thought hey why not, just see if he is as good in person as he has come across through the 'net.

Anyway, cut to last night.

I got there with my friends and the house slave (story for another time, sighs). Got talking to some people, introduced to some more, caught up with gossip as ya do and saw him creap around the corner. His face lit up.

What was I wearing?? Well think Uma thurman/pretty woman/Fucking hot bitch. Yes I looked and felt a million pounds. (they are worth more than dollars ;0)).

PVC Honour strappy black mini dress. Thigh high Patent black pleather boots. Black bob wig, glasses.

His eyes were glowing. I am his dream personified. Bless him though, he did go a little nervous on me.

Rummaging through his midget bondage bag with him was a little bit of an ice breaker. And also showed me what kinda things he likes. We had already descussed a few things obviously prior and he couldn't make his likes any more clear after saygin I LIKE THIS about a million and two times ;-) I do prefer knowing what someone likes prior to playing though, I like getting the scene right for both of us.

SO got him to kneel almost immediatly when I sat down. Tried a crappy an summers flogger on him. He said he was a wuss with pain so backed my bag full of non pain slut material, only to find the bugger had under exaggerated hehe. He had lovely stuff in his bag. My eyes widened.

Now him wearing the peekaboo latex shirt helped me gain access to his VERY sensative nipples which were almost gagging for torture, and he can actually take a lot more than he led me to believe.

Ice, finers, pegs manipulation magnified. And with him being desperately tired it didnt take long for his adrenalin and endorphins to kick in big stylee.

"Oh, Hi, nice to meet you,I'm Marina" I said suddenly, Making his laugh really loudly saying "OH yeah, I'm Monkee, pleased to meet you.... " Yes we had gone straight into knowing each other without the formal introductions (plus it was a little bit of a sensation stopper... ;-)

He responded so very well with the chains and spanky hand thingy (reminds myself I HAVE TO GET ONE).

I think he is adorable. And think I wanna keep him for a little while, at least. We share a similar humour, (not music) lol apparently, gawd keep him away from my CD collection. But most of all he's a dead nice bloke.

Glad to meet you, Monkee. May the fun continue. :)xx

TWIT

2007-03-27T23:33:00.000Z

wiltshireplayslave (12:14 AM): hello
MistressMarina (12:16 AM): hi,
wiltshireplayslave (12:17 AM): not doing to good am i
wiltshireplayslave (12:18 AM): do you always charge
wiltshireplayslave (12:18 AM): or you do free sessions to
MistressMarina (12:19 AM): this depends if the guy isn't whinging nor whining about notb eing given what he wants
wiltshireplayslave (12:21 AM): whinging
wiltshireplayslave (12:21 AM): people keeps saying that
wiltshireplayslave (12:21 AM): no just trying to make things clear
MistressMarina (12:22 AM): it is whinging, keep saying why they nto wanting me.. whywywhy... no self concious non pro would go for it.
wiltshireplayslave (12:22 AM): i would like a domme to intensely torture me for her soul amusement
MistressMarina (12:22 AM): i'd charge you for a session but you have most definately not caught my interest ,
wiltshireplayslave (12:23 AM): then why are you talking to me
MistressMarina (12:24 AM): because i am polite.
MistressMarina (12:24 AM): but it may not be for much longer
wiltshireplayslave (12:24 AM): polite or talking
wiltshireplayslave (12:26 AM): well i have nothing to offer you but my endurance to suffering at your pleasure
MistressMarina (12:26 AM): both
wiltshireplayslave (12:30 AM): ok guess i blown it with you to
wiltshireplayslave (12:30 AM): i be doing well at upsetting everyone today
MistressMarina (12:30 AM): learn social skills, something it seems you're completely oblivious about
wiltshireplayslave (12:31 AM): social skills are boring
wiltshireplayslave (12:32 AM): you know if anyone actually said yes i would be worried

we had an evening... of sorts

2007-03-14T00:14:00.000Z

He came to mine round about nine, and he bought a lovely bottle of my usual.

Come in, I said hurridly. We both knew why he came round.

We been texting for about two hours up until this point both of us knowing where the bottle of wine would lead.

We'd only been texting/chatting prior as he'd phoned me as a wrong number and I'd fallen for his voice, there was just something about it which made my tummy flutter in excitement. When I hear a lovely accent I do like to have a bit of a flirt, it's the same with those blasted sales men. If they have a nice voice they are likely to get me into conversation (never make a sale mind ;)).

I had told him about the things I like, wines, food, music etc, it seemed the last few years of my life and his too had been spoken about in these two hours, he'd had a messy breakup recently and was kinda wanting a bit of attention and I'd just been lonely for some time.

I offered him come comfort and a nice cuddle in bed. Although both of us knew that it was to be more than that.

After he came into my house. I took the wine off him and poured it into two glasses, "just throw your coat over there" I said pointing to the bannister. "take this and go make yourself comfortable upstairs"

He didn't need telling twice, he had gone upstairs taking his and my wine and placed mine just by my bed.

I followed a little while afterwards, after making sure that underneath the silky robe I had recently bought was a nicely smooth lot of skin for him to get his hands on.. eventually.

No sooner than we emptied the wine than we were passionately kissing, I didn't have much t be undressed by but I hadn't realised hed already started showing my nakedness. It didn't take long for me to strip him down, and I was mightly impressed with what I felt and saw.

His body was so toned not overly muscly, but I couldn't tell of any fat deposit anywhere. His eyes were just glowing not sure if it was the wine or knowing what was coming next.

I straddled his lap and whilst doing so pushed his ripened torso flat onto the bed, I bend over and started kissing him again. This was such a good feeling, having this almost stranger in my bed. Under me and not knowing really what would be coming next.

Whilst I was kissing him I slowly moved my hands down to his and clasped my fingers within his. started stroking them and then grabbed hold of his wrists, gently though, so not to arouse anything other than his manhood. But I raised his hands over his head and held onto both of his wrists with one hand while reaching down for some aptly placed rope which I accidently forgot to put away earlier on in the day ;)

To his surprise he was bound without warning. :) His hands to the top of my bed and while he was realising what I had done I was tethering his ankles one to each side of the bottom of my bed.

"Deliscious", I said.

He looked at me as if to say, go on then,do your worst... and also with a hint of OH FUCK, what have I got myself into??

His dick was throbbing by now and the pre-cum was oozing, even though with the worry of what may come next it was also starting to become less erect. So, using the tiny bit of wine which was nestled at the bottom of the bottle, I poured it over his gorgeous body and started to lick it off.

He could have come in that instant really but I had to stop myself taking him that far, for then anyhow.

I could see the begging in his eyes for me to take him. But I just sat and giggled. He did look fabulous there. Still with beads of sweat on his forhead and still dripping in the wine which had been spilt over his gorgeous frame.

I had no need to gag him I think words just escaped the feelings he was experiencing. All new to him, and I knew it. This boy hadn't been introduced into my world before. I thought he needed cheering up after the crap his ex put him through so it only intensified my want to allow him to enjoy every single moment.

His eyes closed and within second I had blindfolded him he was uttering some sort of primative native tongue by this point which in turn turned me on even more. His arousal was so intense that even if I blew on his cock he'd have exploded.

I did remember howevere that the last time I got a guy to sensatised I had to stop playing as any slight touch sent him orgasming lol SO I allowed this boy to calm down, ever so slightly.

I found my feather and started teasing his body with tingles and slight sensation, he was wrigling and ever so lovely. All I wanted to do was get him inside me and feel that explosion. But in order for fulfilment some thigns have to be sacrificed......

LIKE FUCK it did :D I was on him soon enough and we were both experiencing the shudders and explosions from both sides. He was still helpless tied up on my bed and I was just riding him stil long after he came first time. That poor boy didn't know what hit him.

I still to this day dont know what he was thinking but I can be sure he enjoyed everymoment, oh and I maybe forgot to say that that was his first ever time of multiple orgasms :D

This girl done good :-D

Feeling fruity

2007-03-05T12:27:00.000Z

Today I looked at it long and hard,
I just wanted to have it in me,
I took it in two hands and starting,
But I didn't stop myself fighting,
I surrounded the shaft with, both hands gripped
I made it enter my mouth just so,
I took one nibble and then a bite
What a lovely taste it was too
To have it melt in my mouth with all that flavour
I wanted so much filling me now
But unfortunately I came to the end
My banana had been finished! My craving is no more..

He came, we went, we did ;)

2007-03-03T17:52:00.000Z

We had been talking for sometime each of us knowing where it could lead but neither of us actually knowing it would really happen.

Both of us like the control and knowing sometimes what is going to happen is the knowledge that nothing is planned.

He came to pick me up at a very public place. I got into his car and he just drove, wether he knew where he was going or not didnt bother me at all. I know I trust this lad and I know what will happen will be what we both want/need have been longingly waiting for.

I felt a hand on my knee as he started to massage it with his hand, it started going further up to my thigh, very carefully and gently. Slightly pinching every place he touched also just with a hint of masterful control. We were silent, no words, no communication apart from the hands... they seemed to be going further and further towards my, by then, aching pussy.

He could smell my excitement and it excited him further. This is something I'd not done before but it was kinda pre-arranged. Strange when fantasies turn into a reality. But seem far more intense.

His hand stopped short of my crotch which made me groan just at the thought of what his strong independant hands could be doing otherwise.

He had to change gear.. I just sighed.

After we turned into the turning he started undoing my top. I stayed as relaxed as possible, also knowing that any car which passed us would be able to see what was happening. This added to my excitement very much.

He could smell the dampness, it was so predictably unpredicable for two people who had never been intimate before to have something like this happen. I'm not usually an exhabitionist but I wasn't worried. If people saw then good luck to them and I hope it proved good viewing.

His hand slipped into my bra and started massaging my breast, gently but demanding. As if to try and pop it at one point. He felt my nipples harden and heard my stifled groan. I was attempting not to let him hear but it was no good.

He tweaked my nipple VERY hard. I came. He had a little bit of a wobble with the stearing wheel but nothing to cause anyone else on the road to think anything was up. Bastard. I was soaking. I quickly put his hand onto the gear stick. Still not saying a word I felt across to his crotch where his dick was so very hard and had to let it free... of course, wasn't fair just allowing him to tease 'me' now was it??

I started stroking him with a very gentle soft stroke to start with, this is when he thought it best to stop. I think he found where he intended to get to anyhow but I know he also couldn't take it any more. We were at a very quiet, out-in-the-middle-of-nowhere, place. We were both breathing so very heavily now and he leaned in to kiss me. I went into kiss him back and whilst doing so, undid my seatbelt and backed away from his soft lips. I whispered the first conversation we had had since he picked me up:

"come on.. let me see how fast you really are!"

There was still a little bit of good light left outside and I left him fumbling his seatbelt off as I got out the car and started running. keeping check on him at all times making sure he wouldn't actually loose me.. also making sure that it wouldn't be a fruitless chase, afterall I, needed him to have energy still :)

He chased me for what seemed like twenty mintues me ducking in and out of the trees and him searching like some caveman after his fuckpiece.

He caught me. We both had scratches from the run and we were both a little out of breath. He held me up against a tree and kissed me. It was so passionate. His hands were so strong I was taken by the moment. He went to rip the knickers off me (which incidently I 'forgot' to put on) and found a very very wet pair of lips which were inviting his hands to finger me. This point both of us were groaning and kissing madly.

As his fingers good the better of me I found myself screaming in delight. He had to hold me so I didn't fall whilst in constant orgasm. I noticed there was no light now, But we didn't need light for where we were going.

While he held me I felt his penis throbbing against my thigh so promtly undid his trousers so it was in front of me in all it's glory. Apart from the groans there was little else said. He raised me onto his hips and fucked me as though we we nothing more than animals. He made me come so many times I lost count and by the time he climaxed he was soaken through with my juices shooting all over him while in me.

His head lifted towards the sky as he throbbed his spunk into me. The animalistic urge for noise just took us both to another level. He relaxed slightly into my chest as we both came down from the high that we'd just been on, Both saturated in each others juices.

Both smelling of sex we were grinning like mad people.

We got dressed and made our way back to the car. Still not saying a word.

We had a very silent and very easy drive home just smelling and thinking about what we had just done. How wonderful it is to be spontanious.

I kissed him tenderly as he dropped me off home and he then went home.

Who knows.. it may happen again.. it may just be a one off. But it was good :)

Graspop!!!! OTHER EVENTS

2007-02-11T16:26:00.001Z

I have a few events lined up for this year as well as going to get myself along to other BDSM events which i hadn't had chance, for one reason or another, to go to last year. Yes anyone going along wanting to offer me a lift or has a spare ticket, get in touch ;)

SO what I have planned for this year so far. Mail me through ?? if you're interested in coming to any or want further info on any of them!!

Feb 25th Cambridge BONDAGE Workshop Man on The Moon Pub, Cambridge
March 24th/25th CK2 Plus alternative Fayre
May 5th Jason Donovan Tour (real memory stuff) Cambridge Corn Exhange
May27th Strap on, insertable Workshop Cambridge
June 1st-4th Disneyland for B's birthday
June 10th BBQ AT MINE for kinky folks
June 21st-25th GRASPOP Belgium ROCK/METAL festival with my good mate Mosh
June 30th/1st july CK3 + Fayre + MEGA MUNCH :)
August 26th SKIN penetration -needles, knives etc- WORKSHOP Cambridge
Sept 22nd CK4 +alternative fayre
Oct 22nd half term BIRTHDAY HOLIDAY PISS UP, HAIR DOWN (any donations greatfully recieved for this ;))
Nov 25th Sensation WORKSHOP cambridge canes, floggers food etc. Cambridge
DECEMBER 9TH SUNDAY BIG BIRTHDAY BASH LOOK OUT FOR YOUR INVITE SHOULD YOU BE LUCKY ENOUGH TO GET ONE!!!
Dec 29th CK5 Finale to 2007 and seeing in the new year with our last play party of 2007!!!!

You will also find me every month at the ROSE AND CROWN newmarket road Cambridge for the Cammunching events. Look out on IC and EABDSM yahoo group for notices for all involved.

THIS YEAR is busy... but I only get to be 30 once, I'm gonna make the most of it all :D

That was about as long as he could go lol

2007-02-07T00:33:00.000Z

Well I gave my 'boy' a month, he didn't last a week properly, I had some lovely things to give him and plan s for this evening but i knew,, and I'd even told a friend today that I had the feeling he was gonna bail on me. Well I got a text basically saying he couldn't be arsed making commitment even on a play level. Not really much hope of anything else. I do hope he finds someone he can grow with, but for me, the search is on again... But I have found myself a very very sweet domestic. :) Holly is someone I got on very well in person with today and I look forward to dealing with her regularly, She seems sweet :)

Every shit weekend has a gold lining :)

2007-01-31T17:21:00.000Z

Ok so I have recently started looking around for slaves for myself, not the idiots who decide they are good for me then slate me at every given opportunity lol But nice guys, who understand what being commited and sometimes challengingly submissive is like.

I have been talking with M through IC and he is a nice bloke, He has either read a lot of books and know hows to present himself or is actually someone who I have been looking for in regards to a partner/play toy and everything inbetween, I am quite excited about the opportunity so I got him to change his profile and accept a months probation from me. I will be meeting him in person on Tuesday at the Cammunch.. and with any luck.. we will talk some more and things will become more set in stone from that point.

I have little tasks Iwill set him, and am so looking forward to his approach to them. Some people surprise me when I set them and surpass anything I'd have imagined they would do.

Welcome my boy, Now come lay your head on my lap. :)

What a tit!!!!!

2007-01-31T00:15:00.000Z

Seriously, people like this one, really need to realise that he doesn't deserve to be with someone in the first place, ARROGANCE will not be tolerated.

MistressMarina wrote: Grow up, You're blocked.

NOT GIVING NAME OUT: wrote:(quote) MistressMarina wrote:Firtsly, I have no idea who you are, secondly, I have had no mails rom you or anyone else which I have seen which I have at least not said my reasons for no further communication, I am sure you are aware, as I was told, that if you don't log onto the site for a certain amount of time that mails get deleted,. I dont often come on here and if you were really interested and wanted to chat to me,. AS MOST PEOPLE HAVE then they will get me through yahoo.. it is almost ALWAYS ON.. or there are the more simplistic ways like emailing... ever considered that?Besides if you read my profile, you'd have know you were out of my age range and therefore I'd not even regard you as a personal slave. (quote)
NOT GIVING NAME OUT wrote:I've been told by quite a few that you never reply to memos..dont you appreciate that genuine people take the trouble to write to you? bad manners are a sign of a dis-organised person in many areas both emotionally and activity..I withdraw my request to be considered to serve..I am a genuine civilised and well mannered person..I simply couldnt respect you. So you certainly have no need to revoke osmething that was never there. This decision is based on 3 other subs telling me you dont reply. tony
Mere excuses for your bad manners..plus did you know that 'ageism' is a form of discrimination? although I dont believe you meant it as such..just an example of your own narrow mindedness as regard to stereotyping people because of their age..this only reflects badly on you!I have to smile as you regard yourself as a 'rockchic. well I've been involved in the music business for a long time locally and I'm pondering what type of rock you like? if its old school its amusing to think that the sounds you headbang to was made by what are now pensioners. when I go to the alniters at Rockcity [if you dont know where that is..your not a bonafide rocker of worth] I see all around me youth [under 30] who flag out short term and are sleeping in corners when I spend most of the night on the dance floor..oh dear the naivety of young 'girls' like you..bye bye hope you find your toyboy sub soon.I come from a different place where men walk!

Just wanted to say a few words.

2007-01-30T16:30:00.000Z

I always thought I could never be taken in by someone, but it happened. First subs are always possibly what you remember, fresh experinces in your first true role as their Domme/protector friend, playmate. Emotions tend to be fnud quickly with the intimacy that the lifestyle brings. With the honesty and the openess that surrounds it brings people together a lot closer, a lot sooner than in a natural vanilla way. I found anyhow.

Then you find out they have lied to you and everything that went on between you is rubbished in one awful stroke by the same person who was wanting you to give them what they said they truely wanted. It hurts, yes of course it does. But even moreso when you're at your most vulnerable, even in the role as Top/Domme etc. You find out through something public, without them having the balls to acually tell you face to face and you realise that when they have been wanting to come see you and carry on as if nothing is any different you find they are already in another partnership.

This lifestyle is full of timewasters. But similarly full of some of the most genuine people I have had the fortune of getting to know and becoming friends with over the last few years. I love the lifestyle and am not going to let one lying cheat spoilt it for future happenings.

I only hope that what goes around comes around. Karma they say is a wonderful thing.

NOT GONE and not forgotten

2007-01-03T23:02:00.000Z

Life has just given me some unexplained twists and turns over te latter part of last ywar, This year... May have a few juicy stories to write about. Might actually have the fire back in me. Suppose that was being celebate does for you lol

Happy new year to young and old, rich and poor, to friends old and new. May this year finaly turn your luck for the better and this is what I wish for you!!

This is K, KAY, KURT and CLOSURE c'est finis

2006-10-12T10:46:00.000Z

The whole KURT thing. (k, kay, whatever)

Now the amount of people ask me about him can be a little frustrating. My yahoo addy has his name and so too do some of the profiles I use for some certain sites. These were joined upto when I started (supposedly) seeing KURT. (Kurt not actually being his name, apparently, but anything along the lines of tosspot, cunt, wanker, turd burgler etc can be used).

This guy was the first guy I was serious about in a long time since the break up of the relationship between myself and my son's father. He was my first sub boy and the first person who I really developed a Domme mode of existance for.

We had a very special spark from the instance I laid eyes on him. He was perfect in my eyes. Good looking, intelligent, and he was the first and only person I actually fell in love with in a crash of emotion. I've never done it before nor since.

I wrote about him in my early blogging years on here and the shit he put me through, I'd have advised any other girlfriend to string him up and castrate him if she were to have had it from him instead. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

This fucking about lasted from August 2004 until very very recently when I'd made up my mind that I just cannot live with the indefinance of even seeing him let alone being with him and doing the things we (or rather I'd) planned on doing with him.

Yes I loved him, still love him but it is time to move my mind onto other tnings, better people and more valuable use of my time and efforts.

I guess by actually writing like this I am now excorsising that demon in me that had that feintest piece of hope that he wasn't actually a fuckwit but someone I had a small amount of faith in to come true to his word. Like a beaten wife would say.. I saw good in him and I knew he could change.. I just wanted to try and help him. No he didn't beat me.

I only ever saw him about 6 times in the whole time we had been exchanging mails, phone calls, texts etc etc etc.

He was to me, something beautiful and yes I let my heart decide this one.. but before and since I haven't allowed it any say in trivial matters such as relationships. I am now sure in my own mind I am truely ready to accept defeat and move on. Cases like his (liers, arseholes, cheaters etc etc) really aren't worth my time nor my emotion any longer.

Everything I saved on my computer from him pictures, mails conversation history is now all gone. His msn contact has been deleted from my list and his number will be taken from my phone. He has lost something truely marvellous but then it is now someone elses gain.. or other people I should say.

Sad really but as I'm writing this I am shaking a little, bit like a grieving period which has hit me, it's a bit strange but I have hope and good fortune on my side, he has Karma to deal with, And if I have anything to do with it a huge pile of shitty Karma to boot. I'm not angry with him anymore. I'm not upset. I am just finalising things in print. Ready to move on. It has taken my time and has broken my heart but as the title of this post suggests it is now Good Bye to 'Kurt' and time for CLOSURE. Simple.

End.

P's quick body worship.

2006-10-10T10:35:00.000Z

We managed to book into a Hotel that evening as the apartment which we had both viewed (me online and P in person) wasn't available until the following day. So I walked in and straight away he knew that I had a look in my eyes, I was hungry, but not for food.

I stripped him down and made him kneel before me. His binds still in place from the arrivals loungue. I put a blindfold over his eyes and tied his hands behind his back. I then stripped myself, all but the high heeled shoes.

His mouth was available.. so I decided to take advatage of this. :o) I stood on his oncovered feet with the heels of my shoes while I straddled across his face and started to bury his tongue into me. I squirmed and rode him until he was choaking for air. The smell of sex was certainly in the air, but I wasn't about to fuck him yet, we had work to do, and I needed to have my fill first.

After making sure I'd cum enough so much so that I knew I was dizzy. I got back off from his face, made him then wank himself off. Well, I wasn't going to touch him in that way just yet lol P had only two minutes to cum in or he would have been ordered into chastity for a month, and he knew it. His hands went so quickly and with the build up of me sitting on him and the whole explosion of the day so far it wasn't long before he spilled his seed all over my body.

I took his blindfold off "See what fucking mess you've made you filthy little slut??"

"Yes, Mistress, I'm so sorry" He replied realising what was about to be asked of him.

"Clean it up. I don't want to be having your juice all over me!" A twinkle was still in my eye from my own climaxes so having his tongue clean me from head to toe, every last drop was just sending me into ecstacy again.

P started from my legs, where only a little was spilt below my torso, but at least he finally started to taste how he did. He did gag a little, but I just laughed and told him there was a lot more further up, he still had his hands tied tightly and struggled to stand but he did it very well considering his wobblyness.

P accidently licked some cum from my breasts which apparently to him was there but I know for a fact wasn't ;) But I was enjoying every moment, being worshipped from head to toe by the man I'd finally found to be my true boy.

After he had finished I untied him and made him go shower, I mean... smelling of all those phermones wasnt always the best way to go and meet and greet the family now was it?? ;)His balls were tied tightly after he got cleaned up and we got dressed again ready for this evening.

We both then took a cab to his parents house, They were dying to meet me, after these years, after all this correspondance, they wanted to meet the girl their son had finally chosen to see. We turn up at the house at around about eight and I was welcomed into their home with what seemed to be the biggest feast ever.. I turned to P and whispered, I have a huge appitite, must be the flight. I laughed, he went red. We sat down and enjoyed a wonderful evening with everyone.

Just perfect.

Finally

2006-10-01T20:46:00.000Z

I was lucky enough to host a party in Norwich last evening and the people were wonderful... lets just say I got to play with a woman... or should I just tell the truth and say I played with four of them :D

No sex, no snoggin just fantastic play :D

When I have more energy, (am shattered) I shall remember and might say a few words, But for now, I am going to lay back and just cross arms for a job VERY well done :D

The chronicles of P Volume I

2006-09-28T19:39:00.001Z

P and I had known each other for quite some time. He was way over the other side of the pond from me, New Jersey to be exact. We hit it off straight away.

So much in common, so many similar thoughts as to how we wanted our lives to be and be fulfilled. SO much contentment to be had and life to live that we spoke for hours and hours on end as to how we could be the other's significant.

So the day came when I got the tickets and flew over to see him. His tall stature and his eyes were becoming to me. The twinkle said it all, he finally got a hold of the person he could now call his Mistress forever, there was no looking back now.

I saw a beautiful man, dark hair nice build but also a nervous soul now just awaiting his fate. He'd been waiting for this moment.

In full view of all passengers that had gotten their luggage and when I met with him with mine I pulled his trousers down and roped his cock and balls up right there and then. "Now you little slut, this will do until we get something stronger. You're mine and there's no getting away with anything."

P shat himself but humbly fell to his knees as though someone had just gone up behind him and collapsed his legs, "Yes Mistress, Thank You"

"Get up, " I sternly said to him, "Pull your pants back up and make yourself decent, I want no slave of mine undignified in public, cover yourself up" With that his beetroot coloured cheeks said it all to those around, he was under my spell.

His eyes could not divert from my form, finally getting me over after all these months, years even, of talking I'd finally made it over. My hair was silky and smelled so pheramonal to him. I wore a small skirt and loose fitting blouse, as though I'd come from a conference, my legs were covered in silky suspendars and stockings and my feet adorned some wonderful high patent black heeled sandals.

All P did was drool, his excitement was clearly there for all to see but he seemed oblivious to everything, P was in a daze, wonderful :)

He had absolutely no idea how I intended to deal with him from the offset but I could see by his meakness this was all of his dreams (possibly his nightmares) coming true all in one instant.

This was just the beginning.

The last meeting of souls

2006-09-22T16:51:00.000Z

The last meeting I described was wonderful. The last of the encounters A and I ever had and will more than likely ever have much to my dismay. It must be well over three months now maybe even longer. I try not to drown in the sorrows of the memories, But I do remember it like yesterday.

That is what I hope for with someone. The tranquility knowing someone will just allow you to do to them exactly what YOU want to do. Not from script. Not from overplanning. Not from repeat mails to and from each other. But spontaneous combustion of two bodies allowing exploration to happen.

I know there are people out there wishing the same but then also.. people want to know exact and in detail what is to happen. When it is to happen, As though we are preparing for some film and the actions and movements have to be just so. That tires me. Really makes me feel as though I am repeating myself fully each and every time. I don't want to be routinely doing things. I like spark. I like difference. I also like to know I could do this with maybe one or two special people. Both or all used for one thing to me.

One person in particular is special to me right now. I'd love to take him and abuse him on every which way I can. It is just a matter of time before I get my hands on him and he knows it.

Over and out for now :D

Perfect meeting

2006-09-09T20:00:00.000Z

Our night had been planned for a while before it happened and both of us were absolutely needing this moment to fulfil our true desires to one another.

A had booked a hotel room. This was to be our final night together and I knew it. It wasn't spoken about but we both knew deep down that this was to be one of the most prolific moments that either of us had the pleasure of having. And with us being together it would be just perfect. Intense and perfect.

I Arranged to be at the room and then ring A when I was ready. I had collected together a bag of goodies, including floggers/canes/stockings/duct tape/rope/chain and almost anything else I thought would be suitable for me to use if I so wished. A delectable outfit which turned me into his very strict Mistress stockings,highest heel patent black shoes, glasses, tight black skirt and white shirt. Hair in a bun and hey presto...

Phone call comes. "I'm running a little late I have to feed the cats... " Not something that was particularly a turn on able so I decided to take a shower in preparation. I used my perfume which is my scent and anyone who has had the pleasure of getting to know me.. knows it.

I got dressed up hair in bun, glasses on stockings slowly slid over my legs up past my knee and thigh and then attached to my suspendar belt. They felt so sexy. He knew nothing about the fate which awaited him. He had no clue as to what wonderful delights he had in store once he knocked on the door. I knew that the look I was donning was something of a fetish in itself for him. SO that turned me on all the more just getting ready for him. I put a corset on just over my suspendars and then put my little black skirt and tight white shirt over the top making sure my ample bussoms were clearly seen accidently popping through the unbuttoned shirt. Then slipped into the sexy high heeled patent shoes. Perfect, I admired myself thoroughly and knew his eyes would pop out of his head the moment he saw me.

Then I sat on the chair facing the door with my cane in my hand and legs crossed like a strict school ma'am would.

I heard a knock on the door and I'd already put it on the latch.

"come in. You've been a bad boy" With that he closed the door and I took down his trousers.

"Bend over and receieve your punishement, you deserve every stroke you're going to get" I said very sternly noticing his huge erection and how glazed his eyes were. He was in heavan. Thats when I know I have hit the right buttons. Got ya, I thought and started warming his arse cheeks up with my hand. Caressing each buttock before slapping it hard. His skin melted into my hands for what seemd like ages. Just rubbing and spanking him. I then stood up when I saw his rosey cheeks and started to apply the cane to his arse. He took it very well for a novice canee. Telling him throughout that he wss doing well and how proud I was of him for taking what I gave him. Although I did have to shove the knickers I had worn all day into his mouth for a gag hehe. We both hit all the right notes with the other and after his small delight I made him get dressed and then we went down for a drink.

He wasn't sure if that was the end of the evening's entertainment or if he may be in for some more. But by the look on his smiling face I knew it wouldn't have been a problem to him either way!

We hadn't really had that much time in person recently before this evening to have a proper heart to heart about things, about my life, about his. But we had a very plesant drink and a couple of hours chat and in regards to A's homelife I knew exactly what I was going to do when we got back to the room.

It does become so very liberating when you find someone you really click with finally come to one of the biggest emotional scenes that you possibly could ever have with someone while deep in your heart you know this was the finale of our blossoming.

I lead him back to the room, still in high heels and tight black evening dress by that point. and told him to go shower and dress how I asked him to. He'd been told to wear the panties I bought for him and also the collar I got him. There haven't actually been any other times I have given and placed a collar on anyone who made me feel so complete. So this was a very special occasion.

He was getting the feeling I had had something else planned as I had told him to bring along his ipod with what he would see as very relaxing tracks, Something that would be able to be put on random and last a few hours at least. I needed everything of his, his mind, heart and soul for this moment and denying him his senses seemed the most appropriate thing to do., Then it would be me who was in charge of how he thought, what he felt . He had no idea.

A came out of the shower smelling wonderful, there's certainly something beautiful about a man and his pheramones when he is aching to fulfil his duties in a way to please his lady, whatever way that is at the time.

"On your knees", I held him by his hand and made sure he had eye contact with me when he went down. "Tonight is about us. It's about you and I and this is going to be one of the most perfect nights of our lives".

I kissed him and then put a blindfold on him. I got him to turn his ipod on so that when I needed to use it it would be ready. I stood him back up. He was shaking, a bundle of nervous exitement. Wonderful. Perfect. I had A just where I needed him mentally. Shitting himself :o)

I got the clingfilm ready and started wrapping him slowly in it from head to toe. His erection was soon patted down (but enough so I could rub it, accidently of course, while I was wrapping him) he was only able to hear by this point. I'd managed to completely 'mummify' him and bind him well with the clingfilm. He was able to speak and he was cooing. It was taking my breath away at just how powerful this felt. I told him that the clingfilm was the control and the feelings I had for him enveloping him and being all around him. He understood and just nodded "yes Mistress, I have always dreamt about this, you're making all of my dreams come true."

He had yet to realise I was going to bind him even further with duct tape over the top of his clingfilm suit. I started taping around his torso slowly so he felt every tightness of his restriction becoming ever more increased. I told him that this was in effect my security around him. Giving him the protection from the outer world and just being secluded within my emotions and my feelings. He was mine for that night and he knew it. I nearly shed a tear doing this. It was very emotional. Saying that from me means a lot even when I think about it.

I talked to him right through binding his body I made sure there were small gaps of tape where his ears were and where his mouth was so I could, in effect, still keep control of what he said/heard and even how he breathed. He looked beautiful. He couldn't manouver very well so I laid him down on the bed behind him and managed to lift his legs into position with a stool to balance his legs on.

"A I'm going to put your music on you now and you will not utter a word unless instructed to do so."

I put his earphones over his exposed earholes and "left" him there. He was excited and as nervous as fuck really. I watched his still body as he relaxed into not being able to do anything. The evening was quite warm but not as warm as he was under all that bondage. He looked beautiful. Just lyeing there still.

"Mistress... MISTRESS.. please kiss me to let me know you're still there" (This was after only 30 mins) HE mildly asked.. I could see him in a not so comfortable way so I just pinched where his nose was to let him know I was still watching over him and giggled with him for that second and left him again. I had to make sure he knew he was safe and I did wonder if I should have allowed him that little touch of affection through it. But I knew the scene wouldn't have been so perfect if he's crapped in his suit lol.

I left him there for a further hour and a half, before I decided to cut where his cock was bulging and release it from it's tightness and use it for my own selfish needs. He was still under sense restriction ie still had the ipod on and was still in tight bondage except for his cock. That was mine for the taking, And took it I most certainly did. I rode him for ages until I'd come so much that I'd soaked the bed over him and what ran down under him.

I had never heard A groan so much as to when I said I wanted him to come. He was ready and he exploded into me pulsating his seed and his throbbing dick was just magical. It made my orgasms all the more intense. Yummy.

After I'd finished I started cutting up through his inner thighs to release him from his skintight coffin. I'd never known anybody to ever sweat quite so much as he had. What an experience. The hoteliers would be having a laugh as to how we'd made the bed to saturated lol Oh well I'm sure they've encountered worse. I cut through his abdominal suit pieces and allowed him some air to breathe and for him to become accustomed to the very dim light that there was in the room.

A laid in his own sweat for a few mins before being able to gain the strength to sit up, when he went to go and walk he had to take another few minutes to recoup from that also lol He went very dizzy. I got him some water he must have lost a couple of pints of sweat so being dehydrated was almost certainly the problem there lol.

I made him go shower and just really try and take a few moments to get back into the land of the living. All the time A had the biggest most satisfying grin on his face one could ever imagine another human ever having.

When A came back from the shower we laid on the bed together (after I'd tydied the bondage wrappings up) and we held each other for a long time it seemed. I really had my heart melt by this time. He really made me proud. I so wanted to tell him how I felt but knew I couldn't. I didn't want to ruin this perfect evening.

A started to kiss me and laid on top of me and we started to make love. I couldn't hold it in any longer. "A..... " I shouldn't but he said "Just say it. I need to hear it"

I responded "I cannot. It's the last thing yuou want or need to hear right now, I don't want to spoil everything"

"Tell me... " He asked adimant that he'd get me to say what was on my mind.

We were both very near climaxing

"I love you" I said weakly as I came and exploded

"I love you too" Came A's reply.

now the weekend is out the way..

2006-09-09T19:49:00.000Z

Time I need to start on concentrating doing things for myself. The other day I could have just told everyone on my listing to just fuck off.. lol I sometimes wonder why I am not a bitch as people really need but a person with human feelings and emotions.

But as for my life right now. I am happy being single. No doubt about it, I think if someone catches me off guard it would be wonderful, But being too cynical really doesn't help me in any way whatsoever, always nit-picking and knowing too much with patterns of how they are to me as to how the situation ends. It has been almost three months if not a little longer since I got laid, To be honest I think it might actually be getting to me. I know I have been a little irritable. Friends have been a bit worried about me also they say I seem quiet.. (having a face like thunder possibly puts them in the right direction)and they invited me out last night..... possibly a good thing.. but it was a shit night out got bored walked home again. Where has the pizazz gone? Anyhow, Thought I might write a little something tonight, feel in the mood.

Fucking pissed off

2006-09-07T22:04:00.000Z

What gives a fuckhead the right to treat me like a cunt? And just how many explietiffs am I able to put in here about the fucking twats who waste my fucking time I don't fucking have in the first place? I am so glad I am happy being single or I'd be wankered. Fucking tosspot wanking retardshagging sheep indulging bastards. Breath. What total fuckwits? Just annoys me.. just had the wool pulled over my eyes by someone. Not even in a normal relationship way.. just as a premise to being a slave to me. Now I thought I'd sorted men out and knew just how low men could swoop to avoid my cynical radar.. but alas I found another.. he did very well I must admit, Did very well at convincing me he wasn't another fucking timewaster and social idiot. Wanking cumdrinking twat.

No am not angry about the situation, pissed off with the time I have given him, it could have been put to a lot better use.. such as cleaning the toilet.

Fuck 'em.. fuck em all.

Blogthingamajigs again...

2006-08-24T19:46:00.000Z

You scored as Rocker, Mosher. Your A Rocker!

Rocker, Mosher

50%

Emo

25%

Goth

20%

Chav, Townie, Rude Boy, Ned, Kev

Trendy

Prepy

Skater

What Group Are You? Chav, Rocker, Skater, Emo, Goth, Trendy, Prepy Ect
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Very Kinky. You are very Kinky. Yuo are not over the top but you like kinky arousements and you are willing to try something new every time. You will make a very fun sex partner

Very Kinky

70%

A Sicko

60%

A WUSS !!

30%

Average

20%

How sexual are you
created with QuizFarm.com

So, because it says I was a kinky....... I decided to see howso...

You scored as Biting. When it comes to being kinky, your biggest turn on is biting. You love the ectasy of teeth sinking into your flesh, and are probably willing to return the favor. Sex just isn't sex without using your teeth.

Biting

100%

Whips

100%

Bondage

83%

Blind Folds

67%

Blood

50%

Chains/Handcuffs

33%

What's Your Kinky Turn On?
created with QuizFarm.com

Special people reading this will know about the teeth thing. They are truely wonderful indeed.

Getting back into the swing of things

2006-08-17T21:52:00.000Z

I have recently found myself at a loose end with bags of time to fill.... erm maybe not as generously as I have made out there.. But I now organise my local munch, try and arrange happenings within my local group and generally just keep thign ticking along smoothly.

I did however forget to think about myself on this one. My personal life is at a stand still. I remember the last time I got laid it was just one hell of a long time ago and that was also the last time I had a huge orgasm. I rarely do DIY in the masturbating sense and finding someone I really want to be with rather than just a one off is proving very hard to find.

Recently I started seeing someone.. I think it was a non starter from the start.. I should just avail myself as a whore open to fuck and not have ideas about anyone other than that. Or so the blokes would like to think.

No I know what I want and finding someone who wants more to explore.. someone who knows me and is comfortable with who and how I am. Someone who won't scare off if I ask "wanna do something next week?" And they take it as genuinly interested in seeing if they'd like to do something and not taking it as if I am planning their life for them.

I want the something that comes with time and comfortability, intensity and completeness. I want to fullfill their dreams of owning them and being their dream in holding their body, heart and soul in my safekeeping. I want for too much I know. but he is out there.. just finding it hard to wade through the dung that has

I need that for me now. I want and I usually get. I just got to find it :D

Over and out :D

His Final Service. (for the darker side of play)

2006-07-31T08:30:00.000Z

We planned this night to watch him be true,
to himself and others through and through,
I tied up him and strapped him down,
tightening binds did tie him sound.
His arse is whipped
his flesh is caned
he never will ever wonder again,
just what it is to give to his Mistress
his last earthy time and with all that pain,
his true devotion to her with his life
will always be eternally engrained

With his mind he gave consent
His body stuffed with garlic, with scent
She took it for all that was meant
He wanted to give all that he could
To please the one that above him stood
So proud and happy for this day
He is giving his soul, mind and now his BODY away.

His skin is broken,
his arse is raw,
his body is bleeding
he wimpers a little with face to the floor..
our scene is over-
the time has come ,
we came and he went, he is no more.

The nights still young but we’re here, we saw,
his breathless body breathes no more.
He cried his last
he flew so high
and now time has come for him to die.

We feast upon his roasted flesh
we gnaw at his bones,
we send his flying soul
away to where once he was born.
We crave his flesh,
we drink his blood,
all boiling, yet still raw.
We feasted upon this slave of mine
and now he is no more.

A numb feeling.

2006-07-30T21:22:00.000Z

You open yourself up,
You let yourself go
You choose to love
and tell everyone so

You find your feet
finally you're free
to love someone again
let it be me.

I chose to love
and be free
with the truest honesty
there ever can be

When the two become one
and the one becomes true
you always will remember
what I mean to you

Now I've loved and lost
but loved again
But ever greatful
I've done nothing but gain.

But today is goodbye
and goodbye is a word
that when it is said
will always be heard

With you I loved
but with you I now cry
as this is the end
My love, goodbye.

I am buzzing a little.. means I should get a lot done :D

2006-07-30T06:55:00.000Z

I need motivation. I have too much to do and I really need to get it done. I won't be online much over the next couple of days.. (well.. maybe not)so I ca try and see about getting things sorted.

Should be an interesting time :D

YAY My website is now ready :D

2006-07-29T23:18:00.000Z

My site has finally been put up and is running, awaiting orders :D

TIRED

2006-07-27T16:13:00.000Z

Tired and pissed off. Again I find myself on the edge with B. I am not looking forward to the rest of the holidays.

Downward sprial

2006-07-23T11:59:00.000Z

If things keep going downwards as quick as they are. I'll be hitting the bottom with an almighty bump.

I'd already decided that I wasn't going to go to Kinkfest this year (reasons-a-plenty) But now T says he has to work on the pissing days he should have had B anyhow. I also am finding myself stuck in a rut type thing. Nowt mew on the horizon that get even the slightest sense of my juices flowing.

I do have myself a suger subby. (subby instead of a sugar daddy) But there is in NO uncertain terms anything romantic going on there.

I am starting to talk with someone right now who actually lives not to far from my dad. Which in a way is quite nice as if I do go see dad I can pop out to this fellas for a cuppa also. I haven't met him in person yet but he seems alright so far.

I think I have forgotten how to do the whole dating thing, I have said so many times before. But now what do I do, how do I approach seeing someone, I've really lost touch with it all. He is aware about my lifestyle although he hasn't done too much of anything himself.

I feel quite defensive sometimes when talking with new people, Always knowing what they are actually after but scrutanising how they actually go about it. In the lifestyle it is usually a given that people want to play. I don't mind this but what I kinda get annoyed about is when they try and beat about the bush and lead you on slightly, Same as any kind of partnership really.

I am still in a foul mood. I have been for some time privately. Maybe I shall go. I shall go do something monotone and normal for a few hours. Might glance back and post.. who knows.

Aneamic

2006-07-20T11:21:00.000Z

Apparently that is what I am right now. Tired, lathargic, generally a bag of sleepyness. had some bloods taken yesterday to figure out just how aneamic I am . They've put me on some shitty iron tablets but I am stil feeling very tired.

Am hoping it will thunder BIG time tonight as is predicted. I can then sleep deeply and not worry :D

Cannot think of a title.

2006-07-14T06:50:00.000Z

I just wanted a bit of a ramble really.

I was supposed to go donate my fourteenth pint the other evening but my iron count was too low so settled just for TUC biscuits and a cup of tea. This has been playing on my mind a little over the last few days ( the iron count being low, not the snacks) but I am waiting on the results of the blood sample they took as to what action will be needed.

I know I have been totally exhausted recently and not sure which of the factors would have played a bigger part in my strange health right now. Fatigue, B, maybe not eating as well as I should have, B, lethargy, B and maybe my reluctance to eat red meat. I do have asparagus growing in my garden so will feast on that for a while after it has regrown boost my levels up a bit again. I don't wanna be taking the constipation aids in form of tablets.. I don't like them at all. We'll see.

Hehe thats not particularly interesting. I have a B free day today so am goig to get on with a few thing like instaling an outside tap so I can water my garden etc. Maybe start clearing out my bedroom so I can start the decoration process.

I'll post somethign a litte later on which is a little more interesting :D

Over tired

2006-07-12T08:38:00.000Z

I haven't slept more then like an hour or so for quite some time. I have been irritable and just generally lathargic. This morning is no exception. I had the craziest dream that my sis's boyfriend kidnapped me and some strange bird and performed acts upon us which would have ordinarily earned him a castration.

Left me feeling quite disturbed I can tell you, I had to wake myself from this as for some reaon in my dream I was totally unable to do a sodding thing about it. I know this would never happen in real life but, fuck me, it really did bother me enough to become extremely knackered through it all this morning.

What the hell are crazy dreams about??

Maybe the fact the wanker grabbed and tried to drive off with my sisters baby the other day? And none of us being around to do a things about it. Or maybe in some way I am trying to empathise with her in some stange deluded way as to what happens when she is with the cunt. POLICE.. being the nice care in the communtiy people that they are DID FUCK ALL ABOUT IT yet again!!! Wonder why I HAVE NO FAITH in law and order and the whole contradictory JUSTICE system. What a load of bollocks.

She is stupiud enough to keep going back to him. I mean when a cunt with no license is on the run from cops and smashes into someone's house with you in the car.. leaves you for dead.. has hospitalised you countless times in the past.. then YOU GO AND HAVE A BABY WITH him.... I mean.. the attraction is all there for people to see..... NOT!

Why do girls be little themselves so much to these animals.. (possibly too good a word for the skunk) What on earth makes them fall for these waste of carbon?

I dunno. Maybe I am just on a rant and am fed up of thing happening and not able to do a thing about it. She is.. afterall... an ADULT!

Reunited.... sort of

2006-07-10T07:48:00.000Z

A few months ago (before I completely fucked my back up) I started "seeing" someone who I got, or rather I thought I got close to. This is going back like four months or so now.

I said goodbye one day and sent him back home. Last I saw or heard from him. So wiped him from the list of "like to play with".. to "another fucker bites the dust.... again".

I gave him ample opportunity to get in touch, mails, texts, phone calls every which way you could communicate he had. Nothing. Nada. This guy was also getting my Professional website sorted. That too got dropped like a huge ten tonne lead weight.

I proceeded to do what I normally would when a guy just buggers off or doesn't want to contact me, and that is to write them off with a mail telling them I hope everything goes well in their life etc. I don't bear grudges so it is easier all round.

WHAT I DON'T EXPECT IS FOR THEM TO get in touch and tell me they had basically been given a life warning. Black outs followed by examination, followed by finding a 14" abcess through spine and leg paralysing them near on completely... and then finding out everything had happened during the times I was cursing!

Certainly made my sit back.. Hands on keyboard and tell him that was no fucking excuse not to contact me!! lol

So it seems M may be back on the scene.. albeit with zimmer frame andflid mobile lolol

Nice to have ya back!