Feet, inches and (im)measurable pleasure

As you walk with me I feel your nerves and your heart racing.

"Haven't I told you NOT to be nervous around me anymore?"

He replied "Yes, Marina" with a nervous giggle.



He found himself going a different route than the previous times I had bought him back to mine. He thought he had remembered the route by now but I change routes and rules as it suits. One day perhaps he will know the place enough to find his own way about. But not yet. I don't need him escaping.

I took a hold of his hand, something I'd not done before and led him through a darkened passageway. I could feel his shaking frame and I could sense his excitement.

I had this planned for a little while but as yet it hadn't felt right to do this with him. He had refrained form allowing me near him and I really didn't know how to go about finding that doorway into his inside. SO I knew I needed to break him somehow. Show him how truly submissive he could be.

I found a suitable place. I took his coat off. Reached into my bag and got the gaffa tape out and made him hug a tree whilst I taped his hands together round the other side. I needed his back, so I cut the t'shirt from him with the knife I had with me.

The moon shone through the trees showing his half naked form off to me brilliantly. he had goosebumps but I am knowing that was more nerves than being cold.

He has a good enough body but it is untouched. Untouched by my hand properly and he knew he would have to face this side of our relationship at some point. Now the time was here.

I took down my pants and showed them in his mouth "I don't want to hear a fucking peep out of you, GOT IT?"

He nodded.

I tore a strip of gaffa tape and secured the knickers into his mouth. I could see tears starting to form. "I'll be making more of those before the night's out".

He closed his eyes. He knew exactly what I was going to do. This time without the safety net of a safe word or a get out clause. He was going to be mine and I wanted him to remember this night for a long long time.

With his body now starting to react with the cold I thought it best to warm him up, readying him for the pain he was going to receive. I took my flogger and started lightly caressing his frame with it's tails. Teasing him ever so softly. I could see him starting to relax. Ha. He thinks this is it... (I laugh internally) and land a heavy blow upon him to which I hear a muffled scream. I think he had realised then it wasn't going to be a fluffy affair.

I started going heavier with the tool rhythmic with my own heartbeat as that is all the tempo I could hear within. Crossing over his shoulders going a little further down and then.

THWACK.

I land a very stingy hard stroke across his ribs a part I'd purposely not warmed up. He felt it and I had to hold him a little to keep him from collapsing down the tree. "Keep standing you piece of shit".

"uh huh" I heard with a few muffles of what seemed like crying.

"You crying?? What the fuck are you crying for, I've give you some thing to fucking cry for you pathetic wimp"

THWACK, THUD, THWACK. I continued abusing his back until I could see some proper sweating. "Good, finally you're seeing what a good workout can entail". THWACK THWACK. There seemed to be a dull echo from the flogger and his skin. The music was tremendous. The harmony of my heart beating, the flogger finding the perfect but now ruined skin on his body and the echo enhancing the sounds.

Fuck knows if someone had walked past. How would I have explained it away without going up to his body and holding him as though we were Any newly formed couple amidst late night debauchery.

I didn't care.

I started seeing a familiar sight. It wasn't welts anymore which were prominent but lines of blood dripping through the broken skin. A perfect vision. Him still in the same position, back stretched arms round the tree, Back glowing with red stripes. To have explained it any other way wouldn't have done it justice. Like some of those colour enhanced photos mainly black and white with a very vivid red. But my black and white was everything but his blood. That was a very vivid red. His t'shirt wettened by his sweat. And now being stained by his life source too.

He stopped groaning which I had noticed he had started to do a little heavier a little while before and was now sobbing uncontrollably, trying to stifle as much as he could for fear of me using that as an attack button.

I know I had given him a lot by this point so went up to him, gently untied his hands and allowed him to fall upon me. We collapsed under his weight as he was as totally exhausted so I allowed him to just lay in my arms. Bloody and soaked in his own fluids.

He looked beautiful. The moon had moved since I last looked god knows what time it was. His back glistening and very raw. His tear-stained bark rubbed face also glistening. I took his gag off and he sobbed. He didn't look into my eyes.

I put my hand under his chin and lifted his head so he had to look at me. "What a fucking mess you look"

He just nodded. He was spent. He was very unsure as to how he should be feeling but he also knew he didn't want me to let him go. Not then anyhow.
I got up. He stayed.

"Clean my shoes, Look how dirty they are. It is your bloody fault, get them clean and only then we can go home."

He didn't hesitate. He started wiping away the leaves with his tongue, and eagerly so. I feel he wanted to get home quickly, to get warm as he had been shivering badly since I let him down. He did a very good job although I had hoped it would have taken longer. His suffering didn't need to end so quickly.

I ushered him up and took the remaining remnants of his t'shirt from around his waist. I put his coat over him and got everything ready to go.

I kissed him softly on the lips and he responded greedily. "It was only a small well done. Don't get above your fucking station. I haven't finished with you tonight yet."

The look on his face was a picture. Never before had he endured anything like I'd given him nor wondered how it would be to have it continue. His mind was racing, what on earth could I have extra in store for him?

Complications

Where would life be without complications and people thinking that they know me well enough to make my decisions for me?

Obviously they know better than I do about how I feel, how I perceive and how I should be with them and others.

I like their ability to decide that they know what I'm thinking... and cock it all up completely.

I say what I mean. I do as I say (generally) so there is no need to read inbetween invisible lines.

Now all I have to do is crack on with my decorating. WOOHOoooooo .. yeah.. fun :-D

BUT I NEED MY BEDROOM BACK. So it has to be done.

Over and out.. for now.

Reflections

I write a lot when I either have noone about to bore to death or when I have itchy fingers. Thankfully it is the latter this time ;-)

I have known my shopping bitch now for a year or so, well a year last November which pretty much makes him one of my longest serving people. He has decorated my person with gifts throughout our time together and today I recieved through the post two more pairs of wonderful shoes. One pair of 3inch strappy shoes and one pair of thigh high, metal effect heeled, black leather look boots. Both very yummy, unfortunately the boots were a size it seemed too small. That is one of the big problems when ordering things online.

I am still waiting on the other pair he ordered for me, this rate I shall have to build an entire wardrobe for shoes ;-) Although I'm sure I won't get many complaints about that :-D

Last nights' munch was a strange old affair. Not many people showed really in comparison to other months but we managed to at least get to talk to more people and have proper conversations. :-)

And Petepan surpassed himself again.. god I love that man for his creative talents. :-D ANd am dead jealous of his Y fronts hahaha

I was just tired last night, really tired. Have been for a few days.. again. So wasn't actually feeling like wanting to go and be sociable, but I know if I didn't all I would do is sit behind this screen and tap tap tap away doing meanial tasks which perhaps wouldn't actually be a bad thing.

But it is good to get out the house especially as I've been housebound with an ill child for four days. Poor little thing, he cannot help being ill but it does mean I get less sleep than normal. Thankfully he is certainly giving me signs that he will be able to go to school tomorrow :-D Always a good sign. I don't like it when he is ill. ANd I know we only have to ride it out. But I also recognise the times when I need my ME time. And time I have to get myself out the house and let my hair down, which is why I went last night.

Oh and I bought a few things yesterday on ebay... .found some bargains which I'm chuffed with and so too will my bunnies when it comes through :-) ANd the fish.. and a little something else which will remain a mystery.

I promise to write more porn soon. :-D

Fours years

It's a scary thought isn't it?

Where were YOU four years ago? What were YOU doing?

I know that this month, four years ago I was readying myself to go to my first ever munch.

Tonight marks the Fourth March, fourth Munch, fourth Birthday of me actually being in the scene. and boy what an adventure it has been. To recount everything I have experienced all the wonderful people I have met along my journey alongside the not so nice ones ;-) Has really been the making of me.

Things CAN only get better. I've gone through some very BIG changes in my personal life. I have made an abundance of aquaintances and some terrific friends.

And I've also gone through a LOT of you tubing ;-)

Four years.

Four years ago I didn't know where I fitted in life. Four years ago I was a single mum going out of her mind not knowing what the world held for me. Not really understanding a dynamic in which I'd found myself in.. the first boy I'd encountered. It sounds as though I totally lost direction. It wasn't that.. it was more to do with me just not finding a 'home' a safe place where there were actually people like me.

SO anyhow I was already in touch with people from EABDSM, and one in particular was a beautiful lady. Pandora SO we agreed to meet at the Cambridge Munch. It was nice to have someone there I could at least recognise as I know how bad I am with remembering names.

Anyhow I managed to secure a lift with a very kindly gentleman and went along to the Rose and Crown Pub. Cambridge.

Perhaps I went in a little tentatively but not exactly nervous. I was excited. Excited that I wanted to explore and find my way about.

I stepped into the room and finally felt at home. People were very similar to me. Had the same thoughts, shared the same ideas openly, mostly if I'd have talked to my friends (vanilla ones) about these same subject they tended to roll their eyes and sighed. They still do to be fair ;-)

The numbers at the Munch weren't that big really but was nice enough to meet and chat with a few people which I now call friends. Some I have known all the way throughout my journey, some have shared experiences with.

I started to help with the Munch in the October of that year and finally started to organise it on a monthly basis shortly after that. I have never looked back. I have had times where I haven't been sure if I am doing the right thing. Or have taken on projects which, at the time have seemed totally undooable but have ALL worked out very well in the end.

SO in four years Cambridge is now on the 'scene' in a big way. Here in Cambridge we have two clubs running, two munches and numerous outings to events. Funny isn't it that all that could come about in just four small years. Not all down to me.. I wouldn't be that anal in suggesting it was all my own doing. But I like to feel proud enough to take some of the credit for pushing, and nagging people into doing things and organising events ;-)

I now have one very permanent member of 'staff' Petepan and various other poor souls who get dragged into helping me make the scene as fabulous as it is. Special thanks go to Captain Lockheed, Littleboots and everyone else who has helped me ensure CK events have gone swimmingly both in the limelight and in the background. THANK YOU.

Basically I'm just feeling rather happy today. Happy with what I have, Thankful of the friends I have made. Greatful of all the experiences. Most of all I know I am home.

That is down to everyone I have ever encountered. Thank you, thank you all.

It isn't always about YOU.

Yes I blogged yesterday, but it wasn't necessarily about you. There has been speculation about the whom it was, and it was about noone specifically. Just me. Me thinking about the HIM that I may find. Fictional character unfortunately.

Thinking about Him

There are time when I am alone, or rather when the wee one is asleep and the house is quiet bar the snores coming from him that I sit and I ponder upon my thoughts.

What it is I want from life? What it is I want from those I am close to, never actually coming close to an answer but more teasing myself with eventual possiblities which will, in all seriousness never actually happen.

I am lucky with my life, I have people around me I love and dare I say it actually 'trust'? There are rarely any loyal close 'best friend' types that I could honestly count up.

I have some people in my life which come and they go. Mostly the latter as I am aware I am but a stepping stone for them in their life. This I don't mind because I also know that this stepping stone will leave an ever engrained imprint upon their lives and one which will be there until the moment they leave this world. I like that thought.

I like it that I have a purpose of sorts. I like it that I am able to help them in some way, allow them to feel. Allow them to breathe and intake life. Life at it's best. And being able to be the one who introduces all of these feelings is a very wonderful feeling.

What I'm unsure of is, is.. of what could make the times I spend with certain people complete. And it is this which confuses me alongside the knowledge of why they cannot give me their everything.

I have repeated myself so many times throughout the years of my writings that I cannot find that person willing enough just to give a chance. Just one small chance to the thought of perhaps being one with me. I am either a perfect girlffriend or wife material but always a subsitute for what they are really wanting from life. That something is and never will be me.

Sometimes I don't actually mind this and to be fair I possibly couldn't give certain people what they want anyhow.

How can I offer them fidelity? When the last relationship (proper relationship) I had I cheated in? To be fair it was both ways. How can I promise children when I don't even know if my insides work anymore after my operation? How can I promise a future when my own past is so full already.. with a huge chunk of it carrying on into the present with me. Baggage basically.

Without actually knowing what I can offer a potential suitor how is he to be able to decide if I am actually what he wants or not. But what I do know is the 'he's' which know me have all found those objects I have I have in life a complete no go for them. And I think I'm finding it harder and harder to divert my eyes to new places for to find that special something I am and have possibly been missing for some time.

So for the time being anyway. I am thinking of what I could have on top of the fortunes I already have. The He that I may one day find. The He that would also be looking and perhaps one day our worlds will collide and smash into a thousand jigsaw pieces and then two lives will be started as one again. Picking up all of those pieces and making our own picture.

I'll never give up hope.

I'll never stop thinking.

Thinking about Him.