Friday, November 30, 2007

Fucking tests.. I aint no friggin geek :-P

Thursday, November 29, 2007


Takes it out of me, the recent events really knocked me for six, mentally, physically and emotionally.

Everytime someone else is informed, everytime I am reported for something else it seems like I have another bit of my strength zapped away.

Needless to say the official cautioned interview went very well, and the officer who took it even asked me to take her card and to call her shoudl I wish to set up my venture full time.


It is just taking time for me to get through this one, so please bear with me chap/esses.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

One I found VERY accurate

Lets101 Quizzes - Love Quizzes

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Sometimes it's hard to be, a woman..

Giving all your strength to just, one little man.

And when I hold him, I always forgive him.. .

Coz after all he is MY little man.

SOmetimes I sit and wonder whether what I'm doing, both homelife and extracurricular is all worth it. I know sensibly that it is but I do have my doubts. And they occur frequently.

I had a phone call from school telling me my little Angel has been the devils right hand man today. SO much so it took two teachers to restrain him. I know when he gets like that (or rather did) in the past it took a lot of my energy to calm him down and sometimes jut had to let him get through whatever temper fit he was having and allow him to come out the other side.

To say I was mortified when I got to school to pick him up is a slight understatement. The teacvhers assure m that they dont blame me in the slightest and it isn't a refelction upon my character in the least.


It has been since he was in my womb. Maybe in a past life I had the perfect child and now they want me to test how good my parenting skills are with this spawn.

I was seriously considering dragging him to the doctors this evening. But had to rationalise what happened at school in my head, Without any details as to the specifics I don't know exactly how I should react.

With every aspect of my life testing me at the moment it is a wonder the walls of self preservation are still intact, albeit very weakly.

It has been a long times since he was like he was today. I had hoped it had finished. But now I know I have to start watching for signs. Again.

Wish me luck. The interview is on Tuesday 11am. On top of everything else.

Saturday, November 17, 2007


There are some times when I wonder whether it is even worth carrying on, wether I should stay and fight or just give into bigoted useless twats that find any opportunity to grass me up to any department they are able and see whether anything they can try and find to get a result of sorts.

Fuck knows what their end goal is. But Right now, this moment i don't feel as though I have strength in me. I cannot even put on a smile and sometimes I try and express my feelings... without being able to, properly.

I am not angry. Or I'd be properly venting and everyone would be stearing clear of me. I am not upset or I'd be in the same state as I would if i were angry.

I am however exhausted. Wondering whetherI actually have a fight left in me. This has been going on long enough. My phone call to the dept on Monday will I suppose nbe a start in something which may carry on.

The harrasment won't end, I know this, they will try it on at every opportunity. Wankers.

Someone will be round soonly so I can possibly chill out a bit. But right now I am just very heavy chested. Sighing constantly. Trying to make sense of why people can have such a vengance for someone they hardly know and for someone whose lifestyle they don't actually comprehend.

The was I am feeling right now is blank. I'm not at the stage where I want to give up, I just wonder whether it is all worth it.

At times like these I don't actually like to burden anyone. Friends, family, even though they are aware of happenings, they are never fully aware of how just blase I am to life. B keeps me going. When B isnt with me and stressing me out I am out allowing myself some time for enjoyment. IT ISN'T FUCKING ILLEGAL.

Ok yes I am a little scared about what the possible outcome from the letter I recieved today will be. As everyone would be I think. And I know the ways things are worded are generally a lot worse than they possibly could be. Just another chapter of their vindictive ways towards me. They have not succeeded with the police. Nor the housing ass, nor the council. SO now they are trying something else.

Is it actually worth it?

Monday, November 12, 2007

Thats the look

I grab your skin
The needles go in
Your first time for flight
You know I do it right

You take in your breath
You hold it in
While I take the pin
I drive it right into your flesh

Your lungs exhale
Your face it is pale
But I see that look in your eyes
The glisten, the feeling
The thoughts as you realise

Just what it is I'm doing to you
Is what you've been yearning
These years hoping, learning
Finally to yourself being true

I know thats the look
The look which says
I'm doing this right
Just right, your eyes hazed

With each needle I thread
Into your back I have said
Breathe in and breath out
Just slowly, don't shout

Drink up the feeling within
The warmth of your body
The feel in your skin
The taughtness of knowing
And your face really glowing
Your fantasy, finally here

As your body surrenders
The chemicals seem endless
As you fly from you mind
And the thoughts that it's time
To fonally fall to the floor

You body does crash
Your mind completely smashed
You back all bloody and raw

Yet Thats the look
I find I crave
And you ask

"When can I come back for more?"

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Just to have you hold me

Just to have you hold me
To hear you say my name
Feeling like you want me
I'll never be the same again

You tell me that you miss me
Only time will make that true
When we get together
There'll just be me and you

Noone else around us
Noone else to care
The way we look into each others eyes
Looking so hard we stare

As your arms enfold me
You whisper in my ear
"I don't want to be anywhere else
Now come closer, come here"

You look down upon me
Your eyes sparkling bright
You lower your head to kiss me
I'm shaking, am I doing this right?

We loose ourselves within each other
You then become my lover
Your lips all over my body
With your kisses, me you smother

Our bodies entwine
Our spirits riding free
I feel both our breathing
Becoming heavier.. or is this just me?

Our bodies becoming one
My mind runs to explore
I fell our heartbeats beating fast
Then we fall unto the floor

Our loins thrust together
Our bodies are as one
We feel ourbodies stiffen
As we find ourselves all done

We cuddle from that moment
That moment we just shared
You whisper sweet nothings again
As you part away my hair

I stare right into your eyes
my body calming down
I feel just so relaxed
You'll not see me frown

As I snuggle deep into your chest
You stroke my hair, then say
"Goodnight my little one,
Rest yourself, for tomorrow's another day"