Sunday, July 29, 2007

A rant about the situation which is family

I am not one to hate nor have much ill feeling towards anyone, hardly. Even those who have wronged me in the past have found me to be understanding etc, I think anyhow if they were to come to me for help advice etc I have been there.

That little bit of rant is out the way to make way for the


The sister, the one below me (I'm one of too many) like to be the one who is seen to do everything.. one that likes to SHOW she is doing something yet doesn't actually like the actual doing of it.

Ok explains.

Last year when dad was first admitted (touch and go at that point as we really had no idea if he'd come through the attack, it was severe) I was unable to get to my fathers house in time for the ambulance crew to fil out the paperwork of next of kin, so the next eldest sibling decided she should be hero and put her name down. (not actuallly THINKING about how it would be if anything did happen to dad etc) but then was morew than happy to sign him off as she had thing to do. Somewhere else to be other than besides my fathers side and making sure he was making a speedy recovery.

Selfish bitch?? Hell no... just has to do things for herself and not give a flying fuck about anyone else, just as long as she is KNOWN to have DONE something......

ANyhows cut a logn story short. I asked for the details to be changed and they hadn't done it for this time's admittance. Not a worry entirely but U had asked them to ring me if anything was needed or I was needed as I couldn't redily stay overnight with him but instead took root in captainlockheeds flat over night, again.

I get a phonecall from her just now (dad has been admitted)

"Where is dad?" (not how is dad, is he alright? bladhdiblah) "I've just had the hospital on the phone to me because he hasn't picked up the prescription he was meant to have got.

ME "Well I had told them to change next of kin because to be honest It should have been recorded as me being there instead of you anyhow, incase of any eventuality. "

"It doesn't matter WHO is on that form, just tell me where he is"

"It does matter. I am the one who has to look after him should anything happen. But he is actually on his way there right now t pick it up"

Unbeknown to me she had hung up when I was saying abut the it does matter...

The tone was there and I hadn't realised.

I sent her a text. Not a nice one, telling her that if she gave a flying fuck (instead of dealing with the alchololic father of her third child and not giving a crap about her family -us- and giving her other two children ~by a drug addict~ to anyone that can be bothered to look after them~ bar her because her NEW family is far too important to be a part of OURS -oh yes there are issues already in the foundation) dad may be more wanting her to take a more active role in his health care.

Stupid cow.

Now back to the fish rape. Ahh solice.

My day today

For this one I was going to do something major, something dramatic but instead in view of very recent events I wanted to share some things with you.

My Dad is in hospital again, not breathing enough even to have taken a nebuliser today. Not good at all. And for one stupid reason I didn't pick up the phone to my sis, (yes I am THE one reliable one in the family) but had a splitting migrane for the past couple of days that I just ignored it.

So when I went to find my phone and had an urgent message on there from her saying that he has been taken in again guilt set in. Now my phone is on me and besides me and won't be off until I know he is ok.


She had had to ring round all the siblings trying to find someone to go with him to hospital as I had been selfishly trying to get rid of headache and so was able to get one of them, finally, to go with Dad.

Now this sister, the youngest, I have a HUGE problem with. Not just because she fucked my son's father when I was 7 months pregnant. Not just because when they were fucking they were doing it un protected. Not just because on top of that they passed me through Clamydia. Not because all of that on top of an already awful pregnancy and four threatened miscarriages and numerous admissions into hopsital thinking I'd lost my baby time and time again. Then not finding out about the fact they had (confirmed 8 months after B was born but I had thought it was my hormoned playing tricks on me thinking she was upto no good) been at it constantly until my dad found out. But more because the whore showed no remorse, but more a 'Haha I fucked your other half and I don't give a shit'- To this day she has still not given a shit- attitude.

For some reason~because of this small reason~ I'd cut her from my life for the past five years. Not wanting anything to do with her nor her offspring (bar me shouting down the phone to dad to get her 'fucking arse down the STD clinic as she is an STD spreading whore and she is lucky I wanna do that for the sake of her unborn child' blahdiblah.)

But it was her who accompanied Dad this morning. Now when I'd even been in her vacinity up until today I'd felt my stomach in knotts. I feel sick everytime I think of her doing what she did and not giving a hoot about it. But today, I don't know how I did it. But I went into A&E to find Dad and she was sitting there. I never hardly even mention her name but I found myself telling B~ my son~ to ask E~ the whore sister~ to move her coat so he could sit besides her. I didn't speak directly to her nor actually aknowledge her even being there to be honest but I didn't slap the bitch as I'd been wanting to do, and had been feeling like for the last few years. But concentrated on filling the doctors in about dads condition and stats etc from the previous admissions.

Up on the ward again with Dad and he actually thanked me for 'Behaving myself whilst around 'E'.

Bugger me sideways, I didn't actually know what to say in response. I didn't know if to feel proud of myself for not exploding into her. But I am a calm person generally (except the other day obviously) and I wouldn't cause a scene. So I guess that must have been playing on his mind as to if I'd 'start' something.

But I really didn't know how to feel about him acknowledging the fact I'd contained myself. I think he was proud of me but it was only because I had to, for him. He doesn't need stress, thats what has been getting him into bloody hospital recently. SO I'm nto about to start giving him more.

AND, ANd the selfish bitch sister( blogged about the other day) also turned up for a 'token' visit. After me telling her to go to hell through text after her calling me the worsed mother etc blahdoblah. I didn't even spout off at her. Instead I just kinda told her (albeit clinically) how dad was doing (but I do think to be honest the argument the other day must have made her sit back and realise that she has to start giving a damn about Dad and not just herself and her alcoholic other half).

Today I am numb, tired and a little sore. I think I may have overdone it walknig about and making sure dad was ok think my tummy is telling me I need to go a little slower. I am fed up of hospitals. I really am. But whilst He needs me I will be there. I am going again tomorrow in the afternoon with the sister who lives with him, her son and mine to go and make sure the old bugger is behaving himself.

It is hard to see the man you knew as being a tough old bean looking like a shadow of himself. Today I saw in him such vulnerability. It was awful. His eyes werent the same. The body of a once very strong man, shivering ans shaking like a new born baby.

He is my dad but I feel so protective towards him. He has given me 30 years of his life, it's about time I was able to give him something back, ya know?

I am lucky in the fact He has been a rock through so much of the crap I have gone through (not half of what has actually happened or it'd ruin him to know everything) but he knows about my lifestyle, he even knows most of my 'friends' in the scene.

And is happy that I am happy. That is what parenting is about. Knowing your child is happy. Life is so sodding short. As a few people on here have found out very recently.

Thank you to that certain someone who memo'ed me saying I should make it up with the sister I blogged about (this someone who has very recently lost a member of her family), I will memo you shortly, privately. I hold no grudges generally. But I also know that we all have Dad in common and whilst I have issues I shouldn't have them in regards to a man who has raised us, kept us from as much harm in his human power he has through our lives and also. Loved us as individuals, however hard it has been for him to like us at times and taken care of us the best way he has known how.

I guess I am emptying my mind of thoughts from the last little while, I don't know if I will ever like the siblings for how they perceieve the world and what the world obviously owes them. But I think maybe for the sake of my father I should kinda use some resolve when he talks about how proud he is of my siblings. I understand what it is to have parental love, I hold it for my own flesh and blood. But with sibling rivalry there is no way of him having power over it, but stil love us for our individuality.

If there was a perfect solution for him right now and if I could set the worlds to rights, even just for him for however long I am lucky enough to have him in my life, I would.

I think possibly with all which has happened this year, with him not being well, with me being unwell it has all been a bit of a mind shitter really to take in and get a bigger picture of how things are.

There is a bigger picture. I am not the important one in his world, we all are. I just wished I could make my sisters see this My brothers are ones who just kinda sit back and wait for info.. men lol. But I guess they're doing what they deem in their minds as right, and who am I to say my own opinion on the matter.

Ahh this has just turned into a kinda mellow rant

Monday, July 02, 2007

I wonder why

I Wonder why it is

I do the things I do

I wonder why it is

That i like you as I do

I wonder why it is

That I think of you night and day

I wonder why it is

I wanna be with you right away

I wonder why it is

I wanna scream and shout and smile

I wonder why it is

This moment lasts only a while

I wonder why it is

You make me feel complete

I wonder why it is

I love you at my feet

I wonder why it is

You and I are one

I wonder why it is

That you wanna take this road with me

But thank you. I'm enjoying the ride.