Sunday, March 19, 2006

A belated thank you

Ok maybe sometimes we learn that when we take things for granted we actually hurt those who are kind enough to be there should we actually need them. It isn't often I am dumbstruck from someone elses generosity, But this evening someone took a huge burden from my shoulders, Thank you A. I appreciate your kindness.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

On a lighter note :D

I will hopefully going to see DERREN BROWN on the 2nd of April with one of my good friends.. hopefully be a good evening.. and hopefully put things to the back of my mind even if for only a few hours :D

Will post after I have been and say what he was like on stage.. I am hoping to be amazed.. but also as many people do.. try and work out how he does a couple of things.. lol Psychology at it's best :D

Started cleaning up

The loose ends in my life.. the old FB's I have.. the old aquiantances I have.. or now have had..

Maybe things will be come clear to me.. but I am in a cleansing spirit right now. I need for everything to become clean.. home life, my personal mindstate.. and with loose ends everywhere it wasn't as clear as it should have been.

I'm not that much of a spiritual person.. but something has hit home recently.. maybe starting thinking where I could be headed in my life in regards to my own needs.

everything is being done.. slowely but surely.. and hopefully I'll soon have time to blog with some really good things. Keep an eye out :)

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

*He came to me*

I had already instructed M as to what he should wear for me on our introductory meeting. I had sent him the nicest pick frilly hipster panties I could find, And also told him to bind his balls so he knew who owned them. He was so longing to be used by me that I kept him on a three month wait with denial before he could even meet me. Our chats were very very hot and he was absolutely bursting at the seams when he arrived.

He knew what he was to do and as soon as he came in he stripped and showed me his beautifully naked body, a real blank canvas for me to work from. This was his first real life encounter with anyone of my stature for him and I wanted to make this the most memorable encounter that he would ever have. Something for him to treasure for the rest of his life.

I told M to go upstairs where he had refreshments awaiting him and he was to drink the glory water and then await for me.

I followed a little while later, adding a little bit of tension, I sat him on a chair and bound him to it. I used my newly aquired rope to secure him to the chair.. and gagged him using my dirty panties and stockings that I had been wearing all day. It was very clear that this excited him.

"Sit up slut" I sternly told him.. I saw him shiver and could see the look in his eyes, was one of eagerment,... a new found sensation which he had been dreaming of all the years previously to our descussions. His eyes glazed over, not knowing what I was going to do, I had his hands free well.. kind of. I just smiled and sat back.. took out of my bag some candles.. and started to light each one. Putting them in line telling him they would be used a little later on.. but he was to watch the flames throughout and not to take his eyes from them.

There were goosepimples all over his very excited body.. it was wonderful to see. What he didn't know was what I had planned. M knew I loved to play mind games.. so he was thinking he'd be in for a sensual night.. testing a few things and really just trying things out This much was true.. but the sensations he was to exprience wre maybe not as subtle as he may have really thought about. I, with the thoughts running through my head, had a giggle. This made him sit more straight than he was before and took more notice. M really wasn't sure what I had up my sleave but he had placed himself in my care.. had given total control to me for the evening. WONDERFUL.

I stared him in the face.. he knew to take his eyes from the flames and just look into my eyes.. I could see he was absolutely shitting his pants.. not surprising as I had just put a blade to his throat and I was grinning like a Cheshire cat.

" You gave your body and mind to me tonight," I said looking at him with the most evil glint in my eye. " Now it is time to start acting like my camvas.. A new body for me to carve into how I want it to be. "

Yes he was crapping himself, He had a tear in his eye but he sat firm the goosepimples even more prominent.

I slid the blade over his neck.. down towards his chest.. slightly sharp on his nipples were so erect and sensitive that the slightest touch sent the groans muffling through the gag.

I had bought myself a really pretty blade a few weeks prior. The design of the blade was in itself a piece of artwork. One very smooth side.. and one with nice little cutaways. I found myself guiding the shape of it around his chest and then upto his neck a few times. Then with a small peck on the forehead, a little bit of assurance to let him know that it was going well. I put the blade to his buldge in his pretty pink panties. with one tug under the material I cut them free from him.. M nearly came there and then. I slid the blade around his balls and then along his shaft the gleam from the blade looking exquisite and the sweat dripping from him.. this was turning into something I could only dream about. He did well to focus on the flames as much as he did..

I then put the tip of the knife into his opening.. the look on his face was pure terror.. I could imagine his thoughts..

" Everything alright? !" I asked with an evil grin.. M nodded. Although I am sure he wasn't sure if I was going to splice open his cock or if I was only teasing him. Lucky for his manhood I do like to see them attached to the respective bodies rather than in a jar of pickling vinager.. I did say something along these lines to him lol

I reached out for the green candle.. one I know stings quite well when dripped onto skin. I started to pour the wax over his chest and let a little bit dribble down to his very erect cock. His face was an absolute picture. I let it cool down a little and got my blade to his neck very quickly again.. him not quite knowing what was happening.. But again I am too kind to people I only peeled away the wax from his body with it.

Having someone in this position of terror as they really don't know what is happening nor will happen, really is something I enjoy.

I carried on teasing him with the wax and blade for some time.. and he was slipping in and out of some far away land.. barly conscious of what I was doing and how much I was enjoying myself. He was so good for me. M just took it all.

I put the candles back in their original position and my blade back in it's sheith. I needed to bring my boy back down again so I untied him and bought a blanket for him to come back to me in. I didn't think anything more for this time as he really had seen the other side of beyond and seemed to enjoy it thoroughly. Marks on his skin from the knife and the hot wax were beautiful to see.

While I cuddled the blanket around him it was a wonderful feeling. Warmth and shivering. He was clearly sent somewhere. I kept the bands on him throughout and reminded him while he was coming downtaht I stil owned them and as soon as he felt he could he was able to have a reward of an orgasm should he like. He told me afterwards that he couldn;t wait to do it again... this was a thought that I had also :)

Glorious again :D

I actually slept last night.. something I don't often get the luxury of. And woke this morning actually feeling as though I can take on the world, rather than allow the world to take on me and bog me down with everything. What I did last night in my own mind is sort a few things out regarding my personal status and how I would realy like things to be, I know that when my house is clean and I have enough food to eat I am at my most happy.. it then rubs off on B and he is happy also.

I think when I have completed this overhaul of my direct life then everything else will just fall into place. We'll see, I think this year will be my year, I did say that last year, but I have an added confidence about this one for some reason.. either that or my body is ticking away too badly and it is time to start thinking about something about something with someone/some people a little more meaningful.

Watch this space for the smiles again :D

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The cards say it in a few words..

Was a very interesting reading actually. My friend J came over and we settled down and he did a reading, well a few, for me. Surprised me completely as the people who I figured would be in it.. well.. were only mentioned. The reading did surprise me somewhat.

Two and a half people in my 'love life' as one I class as a good friend.. started seeing someone recently. But something I noticed about this person a little while made me take a look at how I did feel about him.. now it is clear I actually felt more for him than I first realised. Turns out if I want him I could possibly get him. But I am not going to interfere.. the girl being the 'half' of a person.. I don't actually know and have never met.. For my own mind, it would feel right to interviene so will allow their relationship to blossom.. I think they could both do with some happiness really.

And the other person.. now this one has been a thorn in my side but also a huge part of who I am. This is whom I thought the readings would suggest would be more prominent in my thoughts.. But only showed up really at the end. Basically it showed I cannot move on without ending this 'relationship' once and for all.. something I had come to the conclusion about a long time ago... but for some reason cannot bring myself to do.

It showed me as being very independant, moreso not letting my guard down and allowing someone in and this is what has been a big problem in me not being able to actually be with someone for too long, something I know about.

I don't go looking for someone, I tend to allow them to be drawn to me. I used to be quite bad when it came to boyfriends that I showered them in gifts.. took them on holidays and stuff. I could make a perfect husband lol But now I think why should it always be me being the romantic, why should it be me who pays for near on everything and does all the surprises? Because men cannot read minds is why.. And I have to take it upon myself now to decide what it is I do want from a guy. Then at least I will know what to expect. And then tell him what is expected of him.

I do miss being in a partnership, a regular one. I do miss being able to come down after a hard day with my son and being able to cuddle someone. But that is me being a soppy bugger.

Anyhow I am duely informed that tonight is the night in the pagen rituals that if I wanted to make a substantial change in how I want things to pan out for this year, tonight is the night to do it and make it happen.

So changes are underfoot.. wish me luck and goodwill.

OK the milk wasn't rank

B had put a load of salt in my sugar jar!.. Lovely child....

Still in thinking mode... it does me NO good whatsoever

Recently I have been made to reasses what it is I do want fom the people I know and love. The week, last week started off so brilliantly.. wonderful friends and everything.. everything going swimmingly..

I have been attending my local munches now for just over a year and the people, experiences and suchlike I have had along the way have made my life choice one that I really cannot ask more of. People I can rely on and who have been with me throughout, I thank you all. The people I have had more dealings with, thank you for the experiences.. even if you have let things come to an unmissable halt.

But even with these things happening.. I have had a very bizzarre weekend, making me really sit back.. and even regress slightly. Someone I know , or rather thought I did.. has made me take stock of myself.. maybe making me think of even ending the communication between him and myself. This is possibly something that is LONG overdue.

I have proteced my heart so strongly and thought I couldn't be hurt so easily anymore... but WHAM! My heart feels as though it is breaking.. and maybe time for closure. Not just the. Oh fuck off.. dont' waste my time kinda thing. But more.. more final.. It hurts when you are told that you are special to this someone.. that you are what this person feels most 'connected' to. But when you learn of a possibility that they weren't ever 'available' for being yours in the first place. Not just lying to you, but also to themselves. That hurts. Big time.

I do make HUGE blunders when it comes to men for my personal life. PLay partners, to be honest, I am not short of if I so wanted. But anything longer lasting is proving like a really huge hurdle.. and I am not looking for all the settle down commitment from the first date thing, I am looking for someone in whom I can trust and share my life with.. nomatter how long the partnership lasts.

I have my desires.. but I think I have to put these on a back burner until I find the right partner in 'normal' terms to act on my more kinky side, Play will be just that. My Progression into a Pro position in my kinky life will allow me to explore and envelope my ways and keep that side of things on the go. But if you're contacting me now just to ask if I could be your Domme.. please, go looking elsewhere.

This is my journal.. YOUR insight to how I am feeling and right now. I am in a very strange place in regards to knowing what I need/want.. I think just talking to people helps, I know I have a lot of friends out there but even still I find myself burrowing back into hermit'ism.

Early hours of Saturday morning something very strange happened and completely knocked my soul for six. This feeling has been seomthing that I knew was going to happen for quite sometime. I even had a good friend of mine contact me and ask if everything was alright as he must have been linked to me somehow at that thought time. I don't know why this event did what it did to me, but left me with such a sense of confusion it was very hard to describe. After it was 'over' my mind has since just been on overload of emotions and just such bafflement. It has been a few days and still I haven't been able to make sense of it.

One of my good friends J is coming over to mine this afternoon to read the Tarot for me. Hopefully put my mind at rest for something, as I just cannot fathom how to deal with my inner stuff right now.

PLUS the milk I used in my cofee this morning is absolute RANK URGH!! Never a good start to the morning. SO off to the shops I go.... well in about half hour anyway as it is too bloody early for normal people to be up...


Friday, March 03, 2006

Thinking time

I will post again soon. And I have had LOADS of ideas for scenes and suchlike.. I have just been very busy these past couple of months..

Also been in the process of hopefully finding suitable partner/s for myself. But not having too much luck in finding the right candidates and time has been limiting.. should I sleep or have fun?? lol what a choice.. Have said on a few occasions recently that insomnia and myself are beoming bussom buddies..

I was also considering relocating... emmigrating.. but this has also just been another one of those things taht is best left in fantasy...

all news for another day :D