Monday, October 31, 2005

Update on the B situ

Well as I had prev posted, I have been hvaing a rough time with it with my Angel, he has turned from being wonderful again into something the devil himself would be proud of.

I had been getting down, but this morning I felt a bit of relief as B seemed to be heading toward a nicer way of being, cuddles, and really being good.. well better than he has been recently. So when I dropped him off at school I was quite plesantly relieved and found myself able to natter to one of my parenty friends over a coffee this afternoon.

Then came time to pick him him. You get a little bit nervous when the teacher comes towards you as it is, but when she also turned to another friend of mine and said "There's been an incident, or rather a couple which involved B hitting C......" My heart sank.

I was gutted.

I do like to think I have plenty of friends and I am sure they don't feel as bad as how I did at that point. C's mum and I both aggreed it best not to allow the children to even play together anymore. It's not fair on another child when one thinks it is ok to beat the living crap out of the other.

After they went I asked the teacher if there had been anything other than these incidents that I should be aware of. And there it was.. again more things.. he spilt his drink over the table and started to drink it by licking it up... he also wouldn't listen to the teachers when they told him off about it.

This point I was just on autopilot again. Not actualy sure if the teacher had said much else or not.. and still cannot think if she had.

There was I actually trying so hard not to be teary in front of her. I was ashamed. She did suggest however that I ask for the help of the local woman who deals with children with attention problems.

Here's me with the most perfect thing in the world that happens to now have, it seems, attention problems. What could I have done to actually deserve this?

I Took B home and as a rule I ask him to undress out of uniform and into play clothes (saves washing and it also gets him into routine) This caused a major tantrum. One which I ended up locking us both in the bathroom to cry our hearts out him with whatever frustration he had and me out of pure dismay.

He has never seen me cry and he started to worry when he saw the tears on my face. But all he wanted was a cuddle, I just didn't feel like anything. I hugged him and he'd given himself a headache. But I didn't give up, he did undress and change. But is it really worth all the hassle?

I am not as low as I was over the weekend but I do think a trip to the docs will be necessary. I cannot keep being as stressed as I have been. Maybe it is me that is just not coping well with motherhood. I do feel isolated. I do feel alone. Now that there are less avenues to go to. ie taking bruce out in public without causing a scene.. seems like I am destined to be a hermit while being a mum and the only chance of escape from it is when T takes him for his day.

I said it is hard to admit when there is a problem of any kind. And it is. But you know what? I am at the end of the road with what to do with him. I need that help. So I guess form now on I am going to have to see where this new road takes me. Lets just hope it is onwards and upwards not downwards as I don't think I can sink much lower. Not again.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Thank you

Yesterday morning, I was really quite low and I think that if I hadn't vented my thoughts and frustratios through words I'd have possibly still been like it today. One of my very good friends P came round last night and introduced one of her toy friends to me (and also came to seehow things were with me).

I also had a friend of mine.. someone who I had been talking to for quite some time now.. offered to come and spend a few hours with me. Just to give me a break from just the constant battle of wills between B and I.

I am so glad of friends. I even had a very good friend call me out of the blue yesterday as he'd gotten a little worried about my well being. I cannot say quite how much I appreciate all the sentiment and the kindness I have around me at times.

I said I feel loney? I only feel lonely.. I know I am spoilt with everything I could possibly ever want. I am just too darn stubborn to just say to people do you fancy coming round... Saying to people that you cannot cope or feel as though you cannot cope seems to be a weakness. Something I really need to overcome.

I know it isn't weakness and there are people that have by far more things to worry about, but in certain moments you forget, and find yourself thinking how had it become like that in your own circumstance.

Just a thank you again to the people who are my friends. (sounds sappy so I'll possibly post a good one later ;o))

Saturday, October 29, 2005

I really, really think I'm losing it...

Recently, not quite for how long.. I'm not sure but I have been feeling a little down. I'm just not sure quite how to lift myself outa this one. I have friends a plenty and it's great, they do all they can to ensure my smiley face stays in contact. But the last two days I haven't even been able to raise a smile. Things at home are driving me mad, it seems like my son and I are speaking from completely different languages. Feels as though I am knocking my head against a brick wall and there is no give way. All I am doing is shouting at him repeatedly telling him not to do something... then he does it and while dealing with the results of his bad behaviour for example cleaning up.. (endlessly) he decides he has to do something else, like eat the fish food, or feed our new dog his toys.

I have so much stuff to do around the house, I am trying to get his room back in a livable state, must be about five months or so that it has been in the doing. But everytime I attempt it all I am doing is running and clearing up after him, he seems not to uderstand simple things like DON'T PLAY WITH THAT SAW OR HAMMER OR YOU'LL CUT YOUR FINGERS OFF.

I don't know sometimes quite what to do. I am sure at some point my neighbours will call the RSPCC out on me or something for the amount of shouting I have been doing. Sometimes just feels as though I am so alone.. and it is a very strange place to be in. I don't physically hurt my boy and he is the most precious thing I have ever had in my life. But even with this in mind he winds me up so completely that all I wanna do is just leave him in the house and get out for just a few hours without having to think like a mum. (Needless to say for those doogooders that I don't).

The last few days my blood pressure has been raised so intensely that I have had dizzy spells almost constantly and have nearly passed out more times than I can count.

I have also developed what seems to be a very alien type voice when extremely angry. Bit like a hiss crossed betwixt a low 'i know what you did last summer' type voice, and it scares me even to find I am using it. Still he doesn't seem to listen and thinks it is fun to push me just that little bit further.

Battle of wills? I think he may finally be winning.

And you know what? I am so indifferent now, I am just at a loss as to even know how to feel. Robotic could be a word that'll fit there. Autopilot. Just don't know how to be.

Think if this lasts a few more days a trip down the docs wouldn't go amiss. I hate feeling like this, feels as though I have let him down as a mum, and let myself down as a person, not to be as strong as I am at this time.

Even feel like properly getting away from it all.. of course taking B with me.. but just packing everything up and starting a new.

Of course then there is my financial situation. Well may as well not even start on that.

Have just had enough.

I will hopefully post again soon. And with better news than me ranting, But I have to use something to let off steam.. and words for me are my best catharsis.

Sorry folks.. Just needed to vent.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Last few months.....

It's been tireing what with sending my son to school (only afternoon nursery) and being in a relationship (now finally over) and experiencing some wonderful new things (CBT, Strap on play, going to a proper fetish party......... been a non ending ray of adventure) Later on today I will try and re-live some of the highlights... just for anyone who has kept with me over this last year or so :o)