Monday, November 29, 2004


They are the most wonderful gift anyone priviledged enough to have them has. I just wanted to openly thank a few very special people in my life. Some don't come on here and may be directed to this site in the future sometime. Some come on here and have given me an enormous amount of support for whatever reasons over these last few months I have been blogging. I think being honest and open is the most fundamental part of living, friends stick by you unconditionally even when they see you making mistakes. Some even feel able to point out your indescretions without fear of retribution. They feel dignity when they give you praise and when they let you know when they feel you are in the wrong.

A few who will read this will identify with me when I say I thank certain people from the bottom of my heart. I am just sorry I cannot give more of my time to our friendships than life allows.

This is my outlet in life. I can pour my thoughts and feelings out on here without worrying about telling my mind state over and over. People can keep tabs on how I am feeling, and they kindly mail me with kind words and even ring me to see how I am feeling. A good natter is as good as this sometimes for emotional outlet.

A very good friend recently has shown me that romance is still alive and so too is chivalry. This friend I cannot have even dreamed for. I must have done something real good to deserve such a good real life mate.

This guy has taken it upon himself to buy me flowers, and chocolates. Something which most people take for granted as being in a "normal" relationship. I have never had this before. I have always been the "guy" figure in a relationship, surprising the partner with little sentimental mementos of the time.

A true friend won't take advantage of your nature and will never take you for granted. They will go out of their way to make you feel special and make you want to reciprocate it all.

To my new friend THANK YOU. You have made my faith in romance and a possible proper romantic relationship seem viable.

Just seems a shame that it takes a friend to do that rather than a boyfriend. But hey, you live and learn. Maybe I am better off having a million friends than one boyfriend? You get honesty, truth and no messing about.

As for K??

People have been asking constantly since I wrote the last post about his punishment on how things are going and what the progress is.. Your guess is as good as mine I am afraid, but then I gave him the opportunity to redeem himself. Cannot be fairer than that.

Feel free

I have now included a sign up thingy on the right hand side of this here blog, if you want updates when I post feel free to sign up :o)

Sunday, November 28, 2004

A few truths

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that very moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the woman to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.


FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections but absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Excuse my poor blogging

I have found out in the last day or so that I MAY have an inner ear virus, which is why I have been really quite dizzy. I am not blonde so that couldn't have been the reason, So after four days of near on black outs decided it best to go see the docs.. Had a full physical, Was very healthy as I already knew. It was just that I had been very panicky if I were to collapse while looking after my little boy and not being able to communicate with anyone that it kinda shitted me up a little, hence the reason for not being able to blog properly for a few days. But after a good frig last night came up with my wants of a womans body.. hope you enjoy :)

My first real life experience of a woman’s body. (well here’s hoping)

I have always had a curiosity when it comes to women, I find them very attractive and also find myself thinking about the particularly pretty ones in a sexual nature. I know I am not gay nor am I bi-sexual. I am just a woman who wants to have said she has tried everything, and has been able to do all she has wanted and not had any regrets when the grey hairs finally overtake her. I am curious about the world, I am curious about sexuality. I still have so many things to explore and being with a woman is most certainly one of them.

The first time you sleep with someone should be something for you and the other partner to remember with a wonderful catalogue of memories. So the first time I sleep with a woman I intend on making it hers, and my first time as special as it can be. Memorable and just something we can both look back on and have a grin the size of the moon.

I have thought of many scenarios, vanilla encounters, and maybe verging on BDSM in the first scene with her, but for me I am still very undecided. I want the experience to be fulfilling without complications. Just to go with the flow and see where it takes us both.

It is all very exciting to me to feel that I am attractive to both males and females. A great ego boost and a wonderfully surreal emotion.

I thought I’d put into words how I see a possible event, taking place.

We will meet in a pub for a drink and hopefully find that spark that you do when you find a mate that you wish to pursue. I am hoping a good conversation will lead to double ententre and a lot of banter. I would then see if she would like to go find somewhere to talk privately.. like outside in the shadows or even go for a walk.. if the mood takes us to a nice lonely spot that would be nice.

If I find her as attractive as I find her body and mind then I will push her against a wall and kiss her. Passionately. Maybe fingers will go exploring down her neck, down her chest to her bosom. A nice grope gets me in the mood that’s for sure, and I am hoping to use what I like to my advantage on her.

If things get as heated as I am expecting them to become I will invite her to share a room with me.

I would be holding her hand and assuring her all the time that she will be having a night, which she will never be forgetting, a night for us both to remember.

We will enter the bedroom still holding hands, an intimate start to proceedings. I would sit her down on the bed and start caressing her face, bend down to kiss her and slowly push her so she is lying on the duvet, very relaxed. My hands would be wandering slowly around the nape of her neck while I am kissing her so softly and gently on her lips.

My hands would then go down to her nipples, I can feel that she is very aroused at my want of her. Cupping one breast in my hand through her top she starts to moan. I can tell as the kissing gets all the more passionate that it won’t be long before we are going at it full pelt. By this time she has also got her hands on my breasts under my top, and she too is feeling the excitement growing. I take my hand down towards the belt of her jeans that she looks so sexy wearing, and slide my hands inside.. going more and more towards the aching wet spot she so wants me to feel. I pull my hand out as a tease and smile at her, which is reciprocated as she knows she will be getting something far more interesting very soon.

I take her top over her head exposing her and her more than ample cleavage and start kissing down towards her breasts.. I ask her to lye on her back where she will receive on of my wonderful massages. Something that I know I am good at, something to relax her a little more so we can chat with a little bit of small talk before continuing. I then ask her to turn back again. By this time my own wet patch is growing so very fast and she can feel the short little breaths I am making while gentle suckling on her nipples now.. I take her bra off, one strap at a time, as though stripping in slow motion exposing her fully to me. I go back to her lips and kiss her passionately while still using my hands to bring her almost orgasm just by twiddling with her erect nipples.

My hands start wandering again into the hidden depths, where all the true treasures lay in wait for me. I undo her jeans and slip them to her feet, while doing so, start kissing her thighs which she is opening me, urging me to take her in my mouth and see what I am truly made of. She is lying there, as pretty as a picture while I then take my own top off.. and my trousers. I will ask her to undress the rest of me in a while, but for now I want to see if she can come for me.

I start kissing her again. Very gently this time on her lips while I slide my hands down towards her now very pink pussy. She feels good, and the moans while I am doing this is driving me mad. I finger her clit for a while, and just as I know she is about to climax I insert two fingers and stroke her g-spot for that ultimate first orgasm. Her chest glows red and her squeal sounds magical. She raises her back and arches it as if she was a fully trained contortionist. She shudders and I then ask her if she is ready for some more.. with a giggle and a few pants she says yes so I carry on..

This time exploring her with my mouth and tongue, kissing down from her mouth I will nibble at her neck a few little sucks and a few little bites. Her breasts are aching me to suck them so I oblige. They feel wonderful. So firm and feminine. Just as I imagined her to be. Then I start to nibble along her breastbone down towards her belly button, and French kiss that a while.. she is in heaven. I proceed to use my fingers inside of her while kissing her body and get that little clitty fella.. he is ready now for me to kiss. She has gone so very wet and it smells and feels euphoric. I know what I like so use my knowledge and go down on her, clit in mouth I start to give her a lady blow-job. Within seconds she is climaxing again. Splashing lady juices all over my face she seems spent, I then use this time to enter my tongue into her labia, gently kissing her as if it were her mouth, sucking the lips and teasing them for a while before sticking my tongue inside of her. Another orgasm. It feels fantastic to be giving her so much pleasure.

I get up from her and proceed to get my strap on fixed to my person so I can then watch her face as I give her some more wonderful feelings.. she is so very ready for me as I enter her. Our bodies in total rhythm. Writhing together until we both collapse amidst moans and groans in a sweaty heap on the bed. Me still in my bra but having loved every single minute.

She then says she wants to return the favour, how fantastic and before long she is doing the same for me!!

We are both enjoying so many emotions that we realise that the time for her exit is drawing near. We both get dressed and cuddle a while and talk about the event that has just taken us to a completely different level of understanding. A wonderful evening that we can both now share and think about on occasion.

“Maybe a repeat performance sometime??” We both ask as she leaves to go back to her partner who is patiently waiting outside for his lover.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

I’m a good little bleeder

Yesterday eve as I walked through the doors, I saw many people lined up with the same fate as myself. All there for one thing, one thing only. A vampires’ haven, a blood thirsty group of people ready and waiting for their turn get that little needle in and drain your life source away.. well a pint of it at least!!

Yes, I am a good girl. I donate as and when I can to our National Health System. One pint every so often. Make it show that I give a damn about people. Well someone has to right?

It seems that every time I do indeed make a deposit that there are more and more unfamiliar faces there. The regulars, if such a thing, seems to be dwindling and the majority seem to be first-timers curious to have said yeah, I did that… got me a sticker and a cuppa with free biscuit. Not saying it’s a bad thing, I mean their tea and coffee comes at a lot less than if I were wanting to go out to town for to meet with my mates.

It doesn’t hurt to give a half hour of your time and a few cells if you’re able to hopefully give the chance of extended time to a complete stranger now does it?

I am really failing miserably at saying I actually crossed my first barrier. I have reached the ten-pint mark!! They give you a cool little certificate, a shake of your hand and a little pin badge to celebrate your efforts. Now aint that worth being drained for??

WOOHOO felt quite proud of myself as they made a fuss. But it also made me a little sad that it was an exciting thing for them to give out just a menial TEN pint stage certificate. Not many people for one reason or another make it that far. Ten pints really isn’t a lot. Surgery on a person can lead to using more than that sometimes in just one sitting.

I have a good belief in the whole human spirit thing. It just seems sad that there are not more and more people out there able to give such a small amount of what is a completely renewable source for the benefits of others. Making the ten pint mark more of a common thing rather than such what seemed to be a special event.

But hey, I was sitting in the waiting area, ready for to be called.. one of the doctors shouted out.. 21, who’s 21, being a me, but also in those surroundings, thought it best that I not just stand up and take a bow.. lol

I was also thinking about possible scenarios. Thinking if these people were here and naked instead of clothed it would be called an orgy. Sad things eh? I had a few giggles to myself as I always do, they can be miserable bastards while waiting so I guess a smart-arse can make the difference between a dull wait and time flying by. I like to do my bit for society. Just call me charity bleeder of the year lol

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Proud Mum Post

As people have been reading they are also aware that my spare time is limited as my son takes a lot of my time. I love every single minute of it too. I don’t think I have ever aired my proud mother stuff on here apart from my poem the other night. So here goes..

I am an at home mum, I have chosen to be that way. I hate to brag, but bollocks this is my blog and I can say what the hell I like.

A lot of children I have come across are by far not as advanced as my son. Each have their own ways of proving that they are special to each of their parents.

I am so proud to say I have been there for my boy, rather than going to work right now. (I am not putting people down for going to work, it is their choice.) But for me, I am very grateful to have the opportunity to have been able to spend his life so far being, and learning, together.

B will be two and a half on Dec 3rd

He started potty training at just under eighteen months. He now has been dry for at least six months during the day. He will be trained for the night in the new-year.

I am so very pleased with his progress. His vocabulary is fantastic and his pronunciation is great!! He quite often gets mistaken for a boy of at least a year his senior!

He is Tall, beautiful, and very funny. He has his ‘two’ moments for sure, but they take possibly less than 2% of our time together.

He wakes me with a big hug, kiss and a “morning mummy, love you” and goes to sleep with a “night, night mum, mum love you millions.”

(My Angel)

He now sleeps in his own single bed and has done properly for a week or so now. I am dead chuffed.

B sings well enough to make it very clear to people which songs he is singing. Favourites including twinkle, twinkle little star, happy birthday and the wheels on the buss lol

(B, a while ago)

Everyone that has had the wonderful opportunity of meeting him as fallen proud to know him. He is a very sociable kid, loves nothing more than attention. As they all do. But he doesn’t shy away, he fits in with groups and even encourages the other children to take part in whatever activities are available.

I have been extremely lucky to be given the wonderful gift of him.

(B looking the intelligent little chappy he is lol)

With all this said, I was hoping he’d make it into the local nursery in January but have my suspicions that it aint gonna be happening. As I have said he is far more advanced than most of the children in mother and toddler group, it is just his age that stuffs him up. He is one of the youngest there so am now under the suspicion also that this wil be something that will halter his progress in and throughout his life. Something I have absolutely no control over. But I am sure that he will be a confident young man and hopefully grow with as much knowledge that I can instil into him.

My wishes for him
~I wish for him to be non-judgemental
~I wish for him to be confident that he knows himself and loves who he is
~I wish him not to be prejudiced against anyone (hard but may be controllable)
~I wish for him to be as informed as he can before making any decision in his life (we all make mistakes)
~I wish for him to always be assured that I will be there for him, even if it is just to knock the stuffing outa him for making mistakes lol
~I just plain and simply wish for him to be the best him he can be.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

How does a slave eat a banana???

Well when I get my hands on him he will be ordered to strip of his man clothes and get to the bathroom to be dressed as my little girl. Kay will be dressed in some pretty white panties, a little skirt and a big girls top, looking as though she’s been going through her mummies wardrobe. I will apply some make-up and make her look as pretty as a picture.

“Bend over so I can see your rump. It could be a little pinker, maybe a quick slap or two might help out.” Kay starts shivering, getting excited by all the attention. Not one hundred percent sure as to what her Mistress has in store for her.

“Kay, you’ve been a good little girl today, would you like a treat? As you’ve been a good girl I will let you eat from my arse…”

I present my arse to her with a banana protruding and tell he she has to eat it all.. then clean the ‘plate’.

She does it with haste and much enthusiasm. I feel the little mouthfuls being taken and it excites me greatly that she has a particular way of eating, and I start thinking maybe she could nibble and suck my cock in this way so I turn around and say when she has done.

“What a good girl, now I’m going to treat you like the slut you have been dressed as.”

Again, a far exaggerated shiver befalls her. She gets to her knees and begs for me to show her how to be a proper slut for her Mistress. I spit across her face, just to show her my ‘disgust’ of what she has just done.

I attach my strap on and while she is still on bended knee, get her to start sucking and letting me see how she was eating before, slowly I get greatly excited and starting to know her limits, start thrusting the cock into her delicate mouth. Kay looks up with so much pleasure even though a little bit gagged at times; she looks beautiful to my eyes. There are a few tears. I spit on her face again, something I know she loves.

Kay gets told to present her arse to me; I want to hear her moan with as much excitement as I did earlier. I get her excited by inserting my latex covered fingers into her anus and start fingering her for a while. The pleasurable groans are just so good to hear. Turns me on so very much also. I then tell her to lay on her back. I start kissing and caressing her beautiful body.

The look in Kay’s eyes just makes me melt, but I must be strong. I cuff her hands to the headboard of my bed. I kiss Kay again all from, mouth, have a nibble at her neck and follow to the nipples, she is begging me to enter her.. I am now getting a very wet patch by this time so think I may just turn my bullet on and pleasure myself while she is writhing from my attention.

I use my fingers again inside of Kay; she lets off a groan that my neighbours can obviously hear. While in the moment I can feel myself getting extremely wantent myself I sit astride her and get her cock into me for a while and ride getting myself to climax, gushing quite nicely. (God K is good to me).

“You wanna be fucked as a slut Kay?”

“Oh yes Mistress, I want you to take me as yours.” barely making any sense from the utopian air that surrounds us.

I then dismount get the shaft of my cock lubed up greatly and proceed to enter her.. I start slow thrusts. Watching her every facial expression.

“I’m gonna make you cum you little tramp. I’m gonna fuck your arse until you can take no more and start begging me to stop” I am thrusting harder now. Her face glowing red, Kay’s breath so shallow and excited.

“Mistress, Mistress……….” Kay explodes with a force so overwhelming that cum covers my face and breasts. Dripping back onto her body.

“Lick me clean you little whore” I say feeling very pleased with myself. So this is how a guy feels when giving a girl a good time. No wonder they love it!!

Kay cleans me up and we snuggle down together. Sweaty and exhausted, but very pleased with our first play scene. :o)

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

One last chance.

Over the last few days, and indeed weeks you have all been aware of the situation I have been in. I have gone on an emotional ride and to be honest am grateful for it also.

I have never kept how I felt and still feel about K a secret and I do not condone his actions towards me in what seemed like an attack on my person in my blog. But over the last day I have been wondering just how, and if I could indeed, forgive him. What he could do to prove himself worthy of my love, trust and respect.

I have been objective in thinking how he has done me wrong and why on earth should I give him another chance… when it seems to any onlooker that I have given him far too many of these as it is. He has hurt me in more ways that I ever imagined anyone could. But then he has also helped me regain my confidence in love. It is only those that you care about so deeply that can affect how you are, like he did me.

I have been by far too independent for far too long. My head is always the one that has made my decisions and have always not taken much advice from my heart. This time however, it seems that my head may be in the background. My heart is yearning for him and for some reason I am tending to be listening to that instead.

If we were to get back together fully I will want him to apologise my mail or even comment on blog on this and grovel some. That will only be the start of his humiliation. He has to know that I aint going to take the shit. ALL ABOARD THE TRAIN TO THE LAST CHANCE SALOON.

If he does grovel some and plead forgiveness I will then expect him to arrange a few hours for some time for us both. More than just the hour or so he had allowed for us on previous visits, maybe even a whole night. I need to feel that he genuinely wants me. Not just going to be screwing with my head.

Then when he comes round (of course hypothetically speaking) he won’t be hugged this time and he won’t be kissed. He will have a glass of water and then make his way to my room. He will strip for me and await instruction.

He will kneel before me and beg forgiveness. Unless I see the look I need to in his eyes I will not carry on. If I see sincerity I will then proceed to slap him around the face as hard as I can, just as a warm up. If that doesn’t knock seven bells out of him I will slap him again. Whimpers will be treated as contempt and will result in absolutely no leniency.

I want for him to know now that he is not in control any longer. I am.

I will then blindfold him and cuff him tell him to stand open legged and just wait a while. He may feel me come close as I am about to knee him in the bollocks then again it may come as a surprise. Either way he is going to get my full wrath. He is deserving of at least five bollock chops. Good hard strong meant ones.

K will need to know how much he hurt me emotionally. I have never given anyone a second chance. He will tell me why he deserves this second chance. He will tell me what he truly wants from me and he will also speak the D’s vows he has prepared and learnt before we continue with any further punishment.

If I see these as being doable and meant from him I will then get him to position himself again for me on my bed as he did before. While he is waiting for me to say anything else he will have to think about his recent bad behaviour, when asked, will tell me what gave him the right to do this to me.

I will order him to then face me and suck the strap on I will have had on while he was waiting, something to get his mouth round eh? I want him to feel the length of the dildo that will be entering him fully. Any last request before I rape him? This time it won’t be a short ordeal. He will be subjected to a rape by how I see fit on the evening. He will indeed take the whole length this time.

No struggle, no lenience. Just a small amount of pain compared to what I have endured over these last few weeks. He will have to make me see that the second chance that I may give him will be taken seriously and that he will abide by my instruction.

I do love the guy dearly and if he does visit this blog (as I know he does) and accepts this punishment. I will forgive him of his insolence toward me. He will be accepted back in my life again and after the punishment is ended he will feel my love also. Fuck he needs to prove his worth to me.
That said. K if you are reading, Get your fucking arse into gear ok?

Sunday, November 14, 2004


After the last few posts I may take a back seat for a few hours.. and have a huge glass of baileys... :o)

Some more funny's

What is the definition of a wicker box?
It's what Elma Fudd would like to do to his favorite movie star

What does a necrophiliac have in common with a grave digger?
Yhe both dig dead people's holes

Who is the world's greatest athlete?
A man who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest

How can you tell if a woman is real hot for you?
When you put your hand down her pants, it feels like you're feeding a horse

What is another name for a Lesbian?
A vegetarian (no comments who know me) lol

What do you call a Welsh farmer with a couple of sheep under his arms?
A pimp

What's the difference between Gary Glitter and acne?
Acne doesn't come over your face till you're thirteen

Did you hear about the man who got caught masturbating on a plane?
He was arrested for skyjacking......

Which of Dickens Characters loved to grab women's tits?
David Cop-a-feel

What's green, has four legs and smells like a womans butt?
The pool table in the White house

Did you hear about the man who became a butcher because he wanted to hear young girls asking for a bit of toungue????

What is the smallest thing in the world
A kipper's fanny

What does a woman with a tight pussy and great body have for breakfast?
This morning I had........

Did you hear about the Irish flasher?
He stepped forward from the police line-up and said "that's the girl"

How do shepherds find sheep in the snow?
Very refreshing

Did you hear about the 150lb man who had 75lb testicles?
He was half nuts

What do you call a police officer with a shaven haven?

Why are women's vaginas so close to their arseholes?
So you can turn em over and pick em up like a six-pack

What is the definition of a perfect woman?
(there is an answer 'part from me tee hee) She'd have to be three feet tall with no teeth with flat head so you can rest your pint on her

How does a gay guy fake an orgasm?
He grunts loudly, pulls his cock out and spits on his boyfriends back

When is a pixie not a pixie?
When it's head is up a fairies skirt; then it's a goblin

What do you do if a horny pit-bull is shagging your leg?
Fake an orgasm quick

Bill and Ben, the flowerpot men were in bed one night,
Ben says "if you loved me you'd have swollowed that"

What is a dog's philosophy?
If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it.

How do you make a woman scream twice?
Fuck her up the arse and then wipe your dick on her curtains

I'll leave you with another favorite of mine..

An Englishman, American and Irishman all been in a loony bin for a few years and are due to be released today. They all await their final confirmation outside of the ward sisters office and all get called in one by one.

The Englishman goes in, before they wil sign his release papers they ask him to take a test, to see if he is mentally stable for the outside.

"I am going to shine a torch light when the room is darkened and I want you to climb the beam" Said the doctor.

The Englishman turned the lights out and the doctor shone the beam, the Englishman climbed up it as though he was shimmying up a pole, when his legs were as stretched as the could be and couldn't reach his arms any higher he turned to the docs and said
"I cannot do it, The beam goes too far up"
His papers were put on the pile ready for review in a year

The American in the test decided to try a clever way of carrying out this task. When he turned out the lights, he climbed onto the table and started jumping as if to catch a hold of the beam. Consiquently his papers too were put on the same pile.

The Irishman went in, got given the same task. Before they even asked him to turn out the light, he turned to them and said
"You think me to be some sort of feckin edyit?, I'll not be climbing the beam"
Amazed and stunned all the doctors pleased with his statement signed his release papers and sent him on his way
"Before you go" One of them said curiously
"Why did you refuse to do the test and say what you did?"
He replied confidently
"Because you feckers would have turned the fecking torch off while I was half way up da beam and I'd have fallen off!"

They had already signed the necessary documentation........

This may not be the last installment by all means lol


Now I have been off my tracks lately so here goes with my thoughts on this subject..

How many ways can you humiliate someone, men in particular?

Violation, Desexualisation, Physical Punishment, TPE

I like to be in control, I always have liked. My fascination for domination is not a new thing I have just decided to dream up. I am also very self-aware and know what I want. Sexually and for my own mind state, I do not do things on a whim and most certainly do everything after thought and consideration for those who are with and around me at the time.

In my Domme circumstance I have to adhere to the SSC rules completely, including honesty, and pleasure too. No misunderstandings. Complete trust in one and other AT ALL TIMES no matter how menial it sounds, it has to be. For a full, and what I have found to be the best way of explaining the BDSM lifestyle, read an ESSAY and possibly open your minds as to what it entails.

I have always been fascinated to see just how much one person would do for me. I have had many vanilla relationships but what is vanilla really?? When you also experiment in this lifestyle even in the slightest. My only real experience real life of being so far in control of any exploits is with K. People who frequent this blog know this and have also gone with me through this so far. But recently I have been asked to say how I see humiliation of a man to be.

Humiliation can be seen as a lot of things as mentioned in the title, it is very different for every person, no one is the same and no one can be put into a category with any other. There has been no manual I know of that can be used for anyone in particular. A bit like the mother and baby books folks rush out to buy. What tosh. You learn from mistakes, learn through knowledge, you find what is right for you. Simple.

The violation I made of K was an unbelievable power trip, one that I had no idea how it would turn out. I personally found it to be extremely erotic and even though it was punishment for his wrongdoings I finally clicked that this was what I am, I am fully ME now. Open and free to express myself completely. I feel any sort of demasculinisation a way for me to feel as though I am humiliating him either by violating his person, making him effeminate, less powerful as society sees him, and indeed how he sees himself in the world.

But in general for me, humiliation on a guy could involve being the one who wears the trousers, taking all the responsibility on for day-to-day life, making all the decisions, which a male in society would normally do.

Another, sexually, is using his body as though it was female something which is considered far more weaker than a males. Not as strong physically and very emotionally vulnerable. I.e. using him as a sexual object, this could be something as simple as taking him anally, sexual intrusion of the mouth with a strap on or it could also involve me making him into a girl, lady or sissy boy. These are all possibilities.

With all of these it is still very sexual but there is still a boundary where it becomes less of play and more of punishment and in certain roles the enhancement on the two as a couple is very very strong. For the trust to be able to do this for me is a wonderful gift. For someone to be able to put their trust in me is a great honour and to deliver the goods is just as special as watching a child at Christmas with all the surprises he/she has been given. The rewards are phenomenal.

Physical punishment, again something I have only had the experience of the one time. That was exhilarating. Something that I felt very uneasy about to start with, but during proceedings got to be better. Not for the recipient but most certainly for me. THAT IS WHAT I CONSIDER TPE. He allowed me to use him for what I intended. No struggle, nothing apart from trust in each other. Although a punishment I thought it made it us a lot stronger. (for a while anyhow).

For me role-play is fantastic way of finding out about someone. Seeing how far both of you can go is just great. But to live with and want to become fully into BDSM it takes a lot more than just play around. For the most part it is life long where two (or more within the bounds of the relationship) people make a commitment to each other.

I could even go down the route that was suggested early on in my relationship with him, about water-sports and scat-play. I am very open to trying anything it would then be up to the significant other and myself to see if this was indeed something we both wanted. This type of humiliation is far more personal for me to be able to describe fully. It is the complete personal trust you have in the person to let you know what they are thinking before during and after, and making sure that you have both agreed on events, and if anything is uncomfortable for the other at any time TO USE A SAFE WORD to put a stop to proceedings.

As long as you are all aware of limitations and have the trust there it can be a wonderful experience. Nothing is out of bounds and experimenting can be such fun.

All I can say at the end of this is be careful for what you wish for, I may just turn up ;o)

Any questions, please ask.


A fellow blogger is needing a litle bit of emotional encouragement today... please send him your thoughts eh? Baltazar.. good luck mate for you and yours xx

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Thought I may try one

Regulars will see I have found a little tag board thingy.. it is worth a try and see how it works.. If it is worth keeping I will try and get a permanent one :o)


Thursay I had word that a very good aquaintance of mine passed his PHD, I know he visits this site every so often so I thought I might just say on here how proud of him I am and also with all the things that has happened in his life recently he still managed to achieve his goal. WELL DONE!!

On one of my more happier notes I thought I may just share these little gigglers your way, if they offend.. tough lol

What is the most clever thing to come out of a woman's mouth??
Einsteins dick

What is white and wriggles across a dance floor?
Come dancing

What animal has a cunt halfway up it's back?
A police horse

What do you call a lesbian with thick and long fingers??
Well hung

Why was barbie banned from the toybox?
She kept on sitting on Pinocchio's face saying, "lie to me you bastard"

Why was the blond sacked from the sperm bank?
She was caught drinking on the job

What do you cal a fanny (vagina for those who are not familiar) on top of a fanny on top of a fanny?
A block of flaps

What do you call a Serbian prostitute?

What do you call a pakistani prostitute?

How do you stop a dog from fucking your leg?
Pick him up and suck his cock

A woman went into a pub and asked for a double ententre
The barman gave her one............

Why don;t gypsies use condoms?
Because they've got crystal balls and can see when they're coming.

What do you call a blonde with a money on her head?
Anything you can eat for under a tenner

What does a gynaecologist have in common with a pizza delivery man?
They both get to smell the goods but they're not allowed to eat it.

What is the most irritating part of a blonde's vagina?
The blonde

Did you hear about the woman who fell asleep on the steps of a synagogue?
She woke up the following morning with a heavy Jew on her...

What did Donald duck say to the prostute?
Put it on my bill

Why does a dog lick his arse?
Because he knows in five minutes he'll be licking your face

What do you call a fat woman with a yeast infection?
A whopper with cheese

What does a homosexual do when lonely and horny?
He shits in his hands then jerks off

What do you get if you cross a yeast infection with an achy breaky heart?
An itchy twitchy crotch

Did you hear about the woman who sat on a joskeys lap and got a red hot tip????

How can you tell if two lesbians are twins?
They lick a like

What does a necrophiliac have in common with a fur trapper?
They both hunt for dead beaver

What's red and white and sits in a tree all night?
A sanitary Owl

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them

What's the difference between spitting and swallowing?
About fourty pounds of pressure to the back of the head

What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
Fucks Funny

How do you know if you're boyfriend has a high sperm count?
You have to chew before you swallow

What to you call a welshman with a stick up his arse?
A taffy apple

Did you hear about the young man who was thrown out of cub scouts for eating Brownies???

You wil have to wait further installments, I don't want to be responsable for a incontinent rush lol

Friday, November 12, 2004


I have been racking my brains as to what the next post could be due to recent events I thought it best to go off into fantasy land.. somewhere I'd like to be... and somewhere that life may just take me...

I recently lost my specs, something I find invaluable when watching the computer screen for lengthy amounts of time. Looked high and low for them, for well over a week. So when they didn't turn up decided to get my arse down to the opticians to get my eyes tested.

They still had my notes and I was surprised to hear that I hadn't been for a check up for ten years!!! Near on exact to the day!!!

Also turns out that my prescription is also the same so not too bad I thought, got the specs ordered up..

Got home and on the side sniggering at me were my old pair.

I am very sure that if you were to look up sod's law in definition my name would actually be right there. lol

Today I picked up the new pair so now I may be able to post something a little more substantial and get back into the swing of it :o)

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

I am asking for your comments today..

I have recently recieved communication from someone on my post as-of-ten-minutes-ago Please feel free to look through the comments. I would like to ask your opinions here.

Even if a voting system should be put here..

One question being, should you have truth in a relationship with open, honest communication, or should you just hide any little sercrets away in the feint hope that your partner may not ever aknowledge your thoughts and maybe even finish with you when they find out??

Two is there anybody here who know's the people I have been talking about, and have I given them their details such as house addresses, phone numbers, stats.. etc?? if so please make me aware as I have always through this tried to keep people's identity anon.

Blimey I haven't even shown my own face let alone anyone elses lol

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Seems I am a life blogger, oh well guys looks like you got me for life lol, maybe prison was a better means of punishment lol

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary.
If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

Oh boy

I am just about to change my isp server, and the postal guy who just knocked at my door for my signature for the equipment was GORGEOUS lol, just thought I'd share that with you, I think I may have given myself away slightly with my blush when I answered my door to him lol Oh well EYE CANDY IS AS GOOD AS CHOCOLATE. ;o)

Monday, November 08, 2004

A lot of people have asked "Wel what happened between you and your sons' dad" here I try to tell it as it was

The story goes like this…

We had our son Named at a civil ceremony, a bit like a Christening. I am not religious by any means so thought it best to be civil than not at all lol The turning events in our relationship happened just two weeks after, on the Feb, 12th 2003.

They go like this…

“What you got in your wallet eh?” I asked surprising T as he lay on our bed still very sleepy from an afternoon nap. B, our son was only eight and a half months old so was still having day time naps even though I was getting him out of the habit, it still helped myself and T to get a little cat nap every now and then.

“Nothing much, “ Came the tired reply

I started turning out receipts, “couldn’t believe you kept these cinema passes he he” That is when I came across the letter. “What’s this??”

“Erm….. “ Hesitantly “I was writing some lyrics for her” Sheepish look in his eyes.. embarrassed smile hoping that I would not read any further.. but not stopping me from doing so..

“For who??……. “

While saying that I turned scraggly piece of paper over and read

“Yes I love you too, and all you have to do is say the word and I will leave her, I don’t think I want to be with her anymore and just say what you want me to do.. I didn’t want any of this and she is making me go through it all … etc etc etc “

I was more confused than upset, and obviously started the whole tear thing by this time as I then read HER name. It was my youngest sister, one for whom I have never liked and couldn’t stand being round. We had constant arguments and she had total disrespect for anyone especially me. . She was one of those girls that if I were in the same year at school would not even go near for friendship, as she was one of the biggest SLAPPERS that were around.

This was a girl at age 11 wanted a child, and had slept with anyone that wanted a freebie for fun, and didn’t care who it was either, so any guy who wanted their cherry popped was a more than welcome unsuspecting guinea pig in her experiment.

“What the fuck is going on?” I asked


“This doesn’t look like nothing to me, what the fuck has happened, what is this letter all about?” I was getting ever so agitated by this point and T was getting more embarrassed.

Then silence… not a word..

“ Why the fuck did you not just throw this letter away huh?” I said slamming it down on the side by our bed “I would have been none the wiser, I told you at the beginning of the relationship that if you were going to stray that you tell me, but E???? My sister??? What the fuck were you thinking???”

I went downstairs to have the ‘Shit what just happened there’ moment to myself. . The thoughts were going round and round like crazy cats in an alleyway. Why did he not just throw the damned thing away??

I heard paper being torn up upstairs and then the toilet being flushed. I knew he had gotten rid of that evidence then, but it was far too late for that.. I had questions. But all I could manage was tears.. Why did he have to betray me like this? Why could he have not gone for someone pretty and someone he cared for?? I am not worried about his fidelity, just that he had her???? I didn’t understand and eventually he came downstairs, sat beside me and hugged me. I couldn’t accept this and shunned away from him.

“It was only a couple of kisses, it meant nothing, really I went through a bad time of it as you know and didn’t know where to turn.. She was just there for me” He was trying his hardest to look me in the face but I was having none of his lies.

“It doesn’t sound like it was just a kiss or two,” I was boiling by this point “Why couldn’t you have had that girl you been pining after all these years?? Why HER of all people?”

T just sat there unable to answer.
The next week or so was hell for me. I had accepted his reasons for doing this for some absurd reason. But the trust had gone. I started looking at his phone for messages, and made a point of finding out where he was going, who with and how long, I started freaking out whenever he went anywhere and called anyone.. That aint a normal thing to do. I have never done it to anyone and thought really quite badly of myself for doing this.
Then came around my Nephews 2nd birthday (a nephew by a different sister) and things seemed to be getting on the side of ok again, not normal but not as bad as the last week had been. I still looked at his texts and still kept enquiring on his whereabouts. This date was 24th Feb. Near on four weeks after the Naming Ceremony of our son.

We had a lovely day around my sisters’ house, filled with fun and cake of course.. T and I both seemed to be the perfect family. He held my other baby nephews and played with them as though everything was normal. I thought Fantastic it has finally turned good again, even though the trust was still a big issue.

We had never argued in our relationship, I have never found it necessary to do it in any relationship I have been in.

We went home and because of the hour I got B’s bath run and laid there with him while T got his bottles ready, bought them up ready for me to settle him down and then went back downstairs with some rustling, Nothing unusual.


“T WILL YOU GET THE PHONE PLEASE?” I shouted down… nothing.. he is in the garage I thought.. Oh well will just let it ring, it is probably only another bloody salesman anyhow.


“T DID YOU HEAR THE PHONE? CAN YOU SEE WHO IT IS B AND I ARE STILL IN THE BATH” nothing. Ok so maybe he has gone out and it is he who is phoning and needs to remind me of something.. Well whoever it is will have to wait as they should know it is B’s bathing time.


Sod this, I got out the bath quickly wrapping my towel around us both and ran to the phone. For someone to ring this quickly between calls and is so persistent there must be something going on.

“Hello??” I asked hurriedly. “What do you want, B and I are trying to have a bath.”

“Just check outside will you and tell me if you car is still on the driveway” It was my father on the phone.

“Was that all you wanted?? T is downstairs I should think in the garage or something.” I said annoyed that he had gotten me out of the bath to ask me about the car.

“Just check” Came a stern voice from dad, he sounded worried

“No it is not there, maybe T has gone out after all”. I said, “ Was that all?? Can I go get back in the bath?” I was starting to worry, panic even that T may have gone out and had an accident or something but surely not..

“D,” he said “T has just text me to tell me that it is all over between you two and he has left you”

Bewildered.. and finished a relationship by text?? Not texting me to tell me it was over but texting my father first to give me the news second hand!!!! That only happens in the agony aunt pages of the Sun newspaper or something..

With that I just sat down with B in my arms and sobbed.

“Did you want me to come over or anything?” Dad said really sounding upset..

I couldn’t take it in. We had had a lovely day and well there hadn’t been any suggestion as to him leaving. I was stunned. I didn’t actually see that one coming.. even with the previous weeks’ events.
Thoughts were going round and round in my head; he left me in the bath… anything could have happened. If I had slipped when I got out while getting to the phone, who would have been there for me? What would have happened if anything went wrong while I thought I could rely on T and he wasn’t there…….

I had been with T for over five years, and he ended it with a second hand texting method.

I started ringing around his family, his friends, anyone and everyone.. just seeing if anyone knew what had gone on.. It turned out he had already arranged everything a few weeks beforehand, he knew he was leaving me and hadn’t had the decency to let me in on it. He had arranged with his stepbrother to live with him for a few days and he was not to let me know.

I started to look around my house, and noticed that he had over an amount of time, taken and stored stuff without my noticing. Well with a dependant baby you don’t tend to notice much except when there is a nappy to be change or sick to be cleaned up etc.

So, so far, he has kissed my youngest sister and now been keeping from me that he was leaving me. I started wondering what else he had been keeping from me. What else was I completely unaware of and stupid enough not to notice what was happening right under my nose?
I didn’t hear from him for a few days and by then had almost cried out all the tears I could. I guess it could still be the hormones from having B.

When he did come back on the following Monday I think it was he just went straight upstairs, I followed him

“Ok so what the hell are you playing at, we have to talk and sort some stuff out” I was really not angry as much as frustrated that I was kept in the dark so long.

“It’s over,” He said, not actually surprising me in the least..

“Well I did kinda guess that when you walked out.” I said getting just annoyed that he was just stating the obvious and not actually even saying sorry on how he did things or I dunno.. It just made me fume slightly.
We agreed, somewhat stupidly, that he should stay living with our son and myself until he found a place of his own to go.

He wanted independence, he wanted freedom, I had taken everything away from him and given him nothing back in return, WHAT TOSH.

He blamed me for him being depressed even though his mother had done a bloody good job of screwing his life up and mind up until then. He hadn’t worked for well over a year and a half and I kept us both, albeit in no fortune, but with bills being paid and food on the table.

He repays me by leaving me. And getting a job already sorted for when he goes from me? I find that this had actually been on the planning for at least two or three months, so a long, long time before we actually had the ceremony for our son.

Suffice to say the next month or so that he stayed with us was bloody hard. I had to get the house changed over into my sole name, the back accounts changed, the bills changed blah di blah di blah. I was wanting to stay and be an at home mum I also had to sort all of the benefits out. It was a very, very long and laborious job indeed. I had a few breakdowns when I got the house changed over. As we both had to be there and I ended up saying about the reasons behind everything while T just sat there and did the occasional nod, and signed whatever he needed to be rid of me.

I couldn’t really deal with us still living under the same roof and wanted to start to get on with my life without him. T overheard this conversation that I had with a friend over the phone and he decided that he should move into his fathers house, even reluctant as he was to do this, I couldn’t have him living with us a moment longer, There was no arguing just uncomfortable airs. I had grown up with parents at each others throats and vowed I would never put my children through
This happened really March time 2003. We made arrangements that T was to see B every week at least one day and I thought things were starting getting sorted.

I started going out again and of course got lucky on plenty off occasions. Not sleeping around at that point but the occasional snog and groping session does ones ego the power of good.

I lost two dress sizes in four weeks from hard partying. On the nights where I went out T stayed over mine to baby-sit, Why shouldn’t he take extra responsibility. After all I wasn’t dried up and washed out. But I started wanting to have relations again. So I asked if he could start taking B to his dad’s overnight…

Yeah right. That caused possibly the first big argument we would have had. He hadn’t even asked his father to take B overnight and I found that out by actually ringing T’s dad and asking why he wasn’t supporting his son and not wanting B round his. As I said he hadn’t actually asked his dad in all the time he stayed there, His father wanted him to go round and had even asked T to take him over night so they could get to see more of him.

Needless to say I was on the phone to T and actually shouted at him for the first time. I think it must have been and ended up me saying something along the lines “I am going to hang up on you now I have said what I want to say and cannot talk to you anymore for the time being”

I think this was his kick in the arse he needed. This had been going on until December 2003 so bloody ages and within a couple of days of this phone call he had found himself his own lodgings.

T really must have thought me stupid when he came to take B for the day when I said to him

“Now you got your own house, you can take B overnight and let me have a night off. It’s about time you got yourself sorted.”

T didn’t know where to look; he HADN’T actually told me he had found a place of his own. I just got lucky I guess. Women’s intuition eh?

I had been a 24/7 mum from Feb. to Dec. and I was completely worn out, I didn’t have the family support that I needed and felt so very alone. The hardest times were when B was ill. That is when the loneliness hit it’s strongest, not having someone there to reassure me and actually put their arms round me and tell me it was going to be ok. I have always been a strong person, but I guess it hits you hard when you are on your own, or rather feel you are alone.

But from the Moment T started to take a bit more responsibility for B, I started to actually feel human again. I met a few guys and went out or just entertained at home and it was really nice. I didn’t want anything serious mainly because of coming out of a long-term relationship and just needed my needs fulfilled. It’s only the animal instincts that needed to be gotten under control again.
Then I met someone. Someone that was caring and someone who I saw to be more of an occasional part of my life, rather than just having one night stands. Something a little better and more stable. Who didn’t mind me being a mum and needing time for my son and myself as well as spending time with him.

L was tall, not particularly handsome but had a good heart. The first night I had relations with him.. he blew me away.. Not because of his prowess but because of the size of his length!!! MY GOD OVER TEN INCHES OF MANHOOD AND THICK WITH IT. Who needs the black dildo when you got a white guy with a HUGE dong???

I was a hungry vixen who loved cock and of course, kept him for as long as I could, I had to teach him how to do things mind as he had explained that because of his size he hadn’t been able to experiment much as his previous girlfriends were to scared to do much with him. I was the one who helped him out. Then one evening by misfortune a rubber split.

I got myself down to the docs the following Monday and got myself checked out. The results came back positive for Chlamydia It isn’t such a bad one of the STD group fortunately. Still an STD all the same. I had had many tests while pregnant and knew I hadn’t gotten anything and I knew I hadn’t slept around. I had only the knowledge that L had slept around without precaution so told him and asked him to get himself tested and clean.

Would you believe it? L WAS COMPLETELY CLEAN, He then accused me of sleeping around and of course finished what we had without a blink.

Fucked again.. Not impressed….. There was only one other person that would have given it me. T had assured me that he hadn’t done anything apart from kiss E. No I thought, he couldn’t have been that stupid surely?? What the fuck?? I text him

“I do not want to know details but all I can say is this I have got an STD and I know I was clean while I was pregnant. You are the only one that could have given it to me. I suggest that you get your arse clean and if you are still in touch with the whore you shagged while with me then tell her to do the same”

My suspicions were then founded, he replied with

That was the dagger I so needed, I had been going out with L for just over three months and had practically blamed him for infecting me. When all along T had been screwing around behind my back. I had my theories as to who it was.. and later found these to be true.

He had slept with………. You guessed it E. That fucking whore who had no intention of even being with him, who only wanted to split T and I up as she was so very jealous of what we had and the baby I had given birth to.

It transpires that while I had to go into hospital near on every weekend during my pregnancy due to high blood pressure or back problems or SPD (I will try and find a link for this one, although it’s a toughie to find) E had been getting her claws into my other half.

She had seduced him while I was in hospital in the seventh month of pregnancy, while we were having to live with my dad due to a falling out with his mother who owned the property we were renting at the time. Breathes. I found recently that he had confided in one of B’s godparents that he has slept with her three times. But now regrets it. PAH.

My dad I also found out knew about this and had made them put a stop to it. As I had had so many problems during my pregnancy and had already endured four threatened mis-carriages he thought it best not to tell me. This resulted in me being quite angry and let down by him for some time. I felt as though I could not trust anyone for so long.

We are now very much on speaking terms. He has always been a good dad to me and a very good friend. Best dad in the world.
So to sum up, T left me holding the baby and the whore got clap and passed the praise to me.
Things as they stand now. T and I are on best speaking terms and look after B between us, We are civil towards each other and we know the boundaries, or rather he knows he aint getting any anymore from me.

We both love our son very much and he to knows this, It is far healthier than being at each others throats and showing B that the world just has to be full of hatred, He gets to see us both and gets loved by both too.


My Angel

I have an Angel
who was sent to me
By something so great
No argument be

He makes my life complete
I can't ask for more
I just stare at him and wonder why
This wonderful angel has chosen me

I cry when he's happy
I cry when he's unwell
The tears of a mother
Just overwhelm my heart and soul

I set him to bed and he goes to sleep,
He says as he enters the land of slumber,
"I love you mum mum,
Night night."

I watch him sleeping,
More precious than gold,
Far more than life itself
The love for him I hold.

A truer love there never will be
Between Myself and someone else
as it is with him and me
He is mine and always will be

The most wonderful gift
My Angel

As of ten minutes ago....

I became a single woman again. I sent K his letter of termination and yes i did feel sad about it. What a shame that something so very beautiful and liberating has come to an abrupt end. One of those old facts of life things I guess but at least I have lived and loved rather not have loved at all, ho hum.

Saturday, November 06, 2004


Why when you have had a wonderfully sensual shower, with scents and bubbles. running your hands all over your body and between your ever so soapy thighs... running up to your soaking wet pussy and wantent ache that you enjoy it so much, just the tease you are giving yourself.. that you shave.. make it as smooth as you possibly can... and after shaving every nook and cranny... after feeling so bloody horny and needing.. that you go and play... play for a while... and find that one bloody hair that always stays put no matter how hard you try to get rid with the razor?? it just stays there.. and laughs at ya lol????

(just for info, i only shave the lips and arsehole and just keep a small patch of womanliness)


If anyone came across my site a few hours ago and saw the post I put I do apologise lol I do feel a little embarrased that I didn't check it out first he he, but hey, sounds like a good recipe too... B lol thanks mate.

Cookie mix.. yum :)

NEIMAN-MARCUS COOKIES (Recipe may be halved)

2 cups butter 24 oz. chocolate chips
4 cups flour 2 cups brown sugar
2 tsp.soda 1 tsp. salt
2 cups sugar 1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated)
5 cups blended oatmeal
4 eggs 2 tsp. baking powder
2 tsp. vanilla 3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)

Measure oatmeal, and blend in a blender to a fine powder. Cream the
butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla, mix together with
flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips,
Hershey Bar,and nuts. Roll into balls, and place two inches apart on a
cookie sheet.

Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees.
Makes 112 cookies.

My site just isn't good enough for some..

Click here and read the views, we want to get as much publicity for the blacklisters as we can Although I have not yet made the grade I am striving to become and want to conform to the rules of the conservative porn site. PLease if anyone has suggestions that I use to get myself noticed by these people I would really like to hear them lol

What me a cheeky bitch?? Pah lol


Friday, November 05, 2004


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved corpse,
but rather a quest to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini
in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ~
WOO HOO what a ride!!"

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Wow what a week

I had such a bad week this week so far, anything, everything seemed to just crumble everytime I did anything. But surfice to say I am a winner in this old game of life. I will survive and I have now gone through my grieving process. If K comes onto this site again, who knows but I am going to just get on with my life.

I did have a bad attack of self destruction yesterday, which I can only say was the real weak part of me coming out. I am a strong person and I think I am worth more.No I know I am worth more. I would have given the world to K if only he'd given me the chance. But his loss eh?

I have been talking to someone that has made me see sense again and this person is really a rock now for me that I cannot see being without.. for a while to come if this person would allow it. I know this person wouldn't mind one bit if I just turned up and asked for a hug, I would be inundated with so many thoughtful meaningful hugs. It is just a bloody nusience that this person lives so far away. A bloody good friend, a rock.

Where would people be without friend to give them a quick kick up the arse when needed. THANK LIFE FOR THEM. :)

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Well this may be the beginning of the end.

I have not heard from K since saturday evening to tell me he may be round a little later because his daughter was poorly. I have now come to the conclusion that I am going to have to close this old heart of mine up again.. and wait for someone to help me with it again.

If it is decided that we are now over (something that I believe he has already decided and not let me in on) I am so very glad that he has made me love again. I now know I can fall in love and am very greatful to him for that. It had really been a long time coming I guess.

Stupid woman.. thinking that someone that good looking, someone that great a personality could actually be interested in me for being me. But hey if this is how it is, life goes on. I will still be here but will have to just have the imagination scenarios rather than feel that I finally found the one person who I could have pictured my life with.

I have been and I have tried, It just wasn't enough obviously. This may be the first post when i am not smiling but I have enjoyed our short journey together. Thank you so very much K. xx

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Well these are my plans for our next meet

I will let K into my house he will hug me and kiss me, say he is sorry and beg my forgiveness. While I am hugging him I will use the first of four knees to the groin (which will in fact grow in tally the more he decides to stay in the shadows) while he isn't expecting it and he will then thank me. Thank me for reminding him who is in charge here.

K will be told he mustn't moan about any pains he is having but we will talk some. Catch up a little on how the last few weeks have been in each others lives, something which would be expected in any normal relationship.

K will be given a cup of tea while we chat, ingredients only him and I know about. He will drink this and thank me for it also. He will then be expected to go up to my room and strip and await the rest of his ball crunching punishments while blindfolded and cuffed.

If he makes a single sound while he is receiving these he will encounter an extra one for every whimper. I intend for him to be reminded that by no accounts is he to put me through this again.. this I am having to use as a "last chance" meet i think, for my own sanity. He seems to have these god awful guilt moments, and it is driving me mad.

While still blindfolded he wil be dressed in my robe out to my garage where he will begin the test of trust. The GLASS test. I will then decide if we are to be more than how we are now. I need it for my own peace of mind really. If he wants me to be proud of him he will respect me and at least aknowledge me not do what he has been doing recently.

Anyway. I am going to let him have this link so he will be aware of his forthcoming plans which I have made. And I'll let you know how things go.

Ok I have now decided on his next punishment

That is if his pride hasn't been burnt too much... So what if it has eh? He has to learn to trust me fully right??? He has to learn that I can be trusted to keep him safe and emotionale stable.

The "GLASS" that most of you have read about??? won't say much more as Kurt may just pop in and read about it. But what are the thoughts that this could test his trust in me?? I got a cold garage with a concrete floor, perfect for doing this test... And maybe it will confirm how he is going to give himself to me, or it will maybe just find out where his weaknesses are???

This will be mailed to him this evening I think, well that he is to take a test in trust.. and see where we go from there.... mmmmmm the thoughts are spinning round... :o)

Monday, November 01, 2004

I love things like this, specially when the word CHOCOLATE is included :o) try it for yourself

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE This is pretty neat.


It takes less than a minute....... Work this out as you read.

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it
out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

Go ahead

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)

3. Add 5. (for Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50. I'll wait while you get calculator.........

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add
1754....If you haven't, add 1753 .......

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number ....

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers! are ..

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

Kids are great aren't they?

Well apart from stating the obvious it was Halloween yesterday, and we had the usual estate kids come round dressed up with a tonne of make up,HUGE treat bags(I am sure that could have been exchanged for smaller much less BEGGING devices) when calling at peoples homes.

My son isn't really afraid of much so I allowed him to answer the door to the little begger children... erm I mean the trick or treaters and he was allowed to pick something out of the goody bag that sat by the door to give to each child that came a_knocking.

After the third or maybe the forth group, he turned to me and said "Mummy, monsters RRROOOAAARRR, cholik inbag monster go way" Meaning that he had obviously worked out that in order for to get the little bleeders off our doorstep, he needed to pay them with chocolate so they'd go away, he had me in stitches. He isn't even two and a half LOL.

Just something I thought I'd share with ya :o)

I am just human

I did have a reason really for writing that joke before. I had spent an age on an essay type post that got eaten by the internet when my comp crashed, so here goes again.....

Who is really in control and is there really such a thing?

Whilst I fully love K and all that he has done for my emotional state while we have been together, I am finding it harder and harder to trust him to be able to talk to me about his personal life. I know that real life versus an intimate life is and can be very trying, especially if you want to try and be slightly idealistic about how you see your relationship.

As I have mentioned in an earlier post we are both single parents and have chosen to look after our children. He has something that is wrong with him which is completely out of his control and I tend to worry for England when there is nothing but silence coming from his end.

I am enjoying and loving the warmth, trust and power he has given me, although this almost only ever seems to me to be when he is actually with me physically. I as said in the title, am only human, I have emotions such as hurt, sadness and sometimes don't feel needed. This whole love thing has reminded me why I actually started to fade it out of my life, other than that for my own flesh and blood.

I have also been just deep in thought as to what it is that he really does want from me, whether it be just a quick fix or maybe something a little long term.. I know we have both discussed it, and we have both said we want more. But there is still a nagging doubt in my mind that he could be like "all the rest" I hate to put people in categories and to stereotype them and for some reason it may just be a human instinct to use what we have learnt before to find out what we can handle now??

The whole journey we seem to be going on starts, halts and just seems to spring back into action when real life lets it. I do feel as though I am not in a sort of control which is something which I had earlier said I thought I had started feeling. Sometimes when we chat he makes me feel like the luckiest girl alive. Then another time after he has had to let me down, through no fault of his own, he seems to go into hiding and doesn't respond to me which makes me feel as though all he wants to share with me are the particular times we are together and not the whole of him. The bits which make a relationship different to just a friendship.

As I say, I do love the guy and mean it, people who know me know I don't say it unless I really mean it, and they have also noticed a huge change in me since K came into my life. However saying this, I still have a awful feeling that if I start to tread onto ground that I am not familiar with him, I am still worried that things will end. I am strong willed mind, and it may not seem it but I am also so insecure sometimes and hate it when I feel like it. I just wish he could trust me with his emotions as well as his body.

That's my emotional state right now and with all the problems my family are going through it seems just another to add to the list of the "shit happens" account.

But hey, I am still happy and surprisingly still smiling lots.. So will hopefully post a happier thought very soon :) 'till then bye for now.